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MONO Lessons (Part XXI: 420 - 439)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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420. I don’t know what to do with my last name if/when I get married.  But I do know “Hoggan” won’t be leaving.  It’s far too awesome.

421. I want an equation, variable, or unit named after me.  “Then we take the Hoggan Cross Section…”  “Find the Hoggan wavelength of…”  “So after the algebra, we are left with 7 Hoggans…”  Yes.

422. Opera is not my thing.

423. “Little Women” is just a boring story.  Jo, grow up.

424. I should probably become a model.  It may be my true calling in life.

425. Depressed and anxious people shouldn’t have to split their depression and anxiety pills. We need more size variety!

426. Seeing a car flip over in front of you due to another car running a red light causes intersection anxiety.

427. I’m in love.  He drives me insane, but I love him.  I’m in love.

428. I can go months without talking to someone and still know when they’re pulling an April Fools joke.

429. Gay marriage would be legal if it weren’t illegal.  Think about it.  That thought isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

430. Fortune cookies are disgusting.

431. Domes of fudge are splendid.

432. Hemorrhoids suck.

433. Sucker Punch…possibly too awesome?

434. Buckwheat is nasty.  Even in maple-glazed cold cereal form.

435. I will never need to purchase an obnoxiously large, loud, and window-tinted truck to make up for any lack of “manhood,” thank you.

436. I don’t drink enough water.

437. I’m a meat-eating vegan.  A carnivorous vegan, if you will.  …Aaaaaand you will.

438. When I get an intense blog idea, move out of the way.

439. I like butt chins.

Simple Pleasures

Stepping on gooey tar on a hot summer day.

Newly painted street lines (especially on a newly surfaced street).

Freezing cold tap water in the dead of winter.

Slipping into a bed with fresh, clean linen just after a shower.

Staring at your favorite piece of art when no one understands why you love it so much.

Staying up too late reading a textbook that's just too good to put down.

Daiquiri Ice.

Pants that fit.

Blogging.

Orange chocolate.

Mint chocolate.

Raspberry chocolate.

Chips and salsa.

The complete and utter silence during a heavy winter snowstorm.

Listening to the same amazing song over and over and over again.

Staying up way too late watching TV on my MacBook in bed.

Lunch at University Hospital.

Computers that work.

Friday nights.

Secondhand smoke-induced Europe flashbacks. 

Juicy nose-clearing sneezes.

Laughgasms - aka, Laughing Attacks.

She Spies and D.D. Cummings.

ThinkGeek.

Gay cinema.

Cuddling with my boyfriend.

Marilyn Monroe.

World.

Depression, Anxiety, Love...and Other Drugs

*tap*tap*tap*

I can't write.
Why?
Well, the title pretty much explains it all.  It's also not vague in any way.

Okay, maybe it's a little vague considering I kind of copied a movie title a little tiny bit.

I have depression and anxiety.  Both are likely inherited (thanks, parents).  I have always been a rather anxious person.  I figure a large portion of my anxiety was actually learned and conditioned considering I grew up "different" and Mormon.  To say the least, that calls for a lot of nervous times.

Of course I have also been depressed at times...even suicidal.  But this time it's different.

Miserable Emptiness

There's no foundation to the sadness.  I feel an emptiness I believe could never be reconciled.  A void that could absolutely never be filled.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to wake up.  I don't want to sleep.  If I sleep, I have to eventually wake up and...and...do something.  I don't want to see my friends.  I don't want to see my boyfriend.  I don't want to see my family.  It makes me sick.

I want to quit school.  I want to quit my job...s.  I want to quit.  I don't necessarily want to die, but I want to hurt myself so I can prove to you all how sick I am.  So I can prove to you how much I need to quit school...to quit my jobs...s.

I want to run away.  Running away will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I'm in love.  It's weird to be in love for the first time and also be extremely depressed.  And then to be taking an antidepressant that increases your anxiety five-fold.  I'm in love.  Why now?  What bizarre timing.

I want to run away...with him.  That will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I can't write.
I'm afraid to write.
I'm afraid to tell you what is going on with me.
I'm again afraid of being judged and having even more stereotypes hurled at me.

I want to run away.  I'll run until the pills, pills, and more pills kick in and fix everything. They'll fix nothing.

They won't fix me.
They won't fix my family.
They won't fix the business.
They won't fix my boyfriend.
They won't fix my relationship with him either.

I guess I have to participate too.

I want to run away.  I want to hide until I have the energy to help the pills.

They're so demanding of me.

MONO Lessons (Part XIX: 383 - 400)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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383. Nancy Pelosi is perpetually watching somebody NOT use a coaster.

384. Red vs. Red is a battle of very strong wills and hard heads.  I should say “Red + Red” instead…vs. sounds so opposing.

385. I’m a fucking catch.  There.  I finally typed it in here.  Enough talk…time to put it in writing (other than text message).

386. Haikus are lacking / A sufficient amount of / Syllables to make……..a point.  See?

387. Contacts are awful.  I hate them.  They’re definitely not for me.  Glasses it is.

388. It’s not like this is a new revelation, but finals week changes my brain chemistry.  It’s gross.

389. During finals week, all decision-making must be postponed until the storm is over.

390. If it happens to be fall finals week, postpone all decision-making until after January 1.

391. Casein makes up 80% of milk’s protein content.

392. Gluten and casein have a similar molecular structure.

393. White Christmas = cheese.

394. It’s amazing how much can change in just one year.  It’s even more amazing how much doesn’t change.

395. TRON: Legacy…my next Inception?

396. Not only is the picture larger and clearer in IMAX, the sound is significantly better.  Recommendation made.

397. Cheapness can be both a “genetic” and learned behavior.

398. Someone else in this world learned stuff while they had mono.  Her name is August, even though that’s a boy’s name, apparently.  ;-)  Who would have thought searching “mono” and “lesson” on Twitter would give any result besides me?

399. I’m allergic to everything just like my mom.  Thanks, mom.

400. Blogging success: writing about “my past” in a way that makes people think the blog is about a person.

MONO Lessons (Part XVI: 321 - 342)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

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321. I like him.  I like him a lot.

322. I haven’t had the opportunity to be just friends with someone before dating them.  The transition is so pleasant and non-nerve-racking.  Natural, if you will.

323. I suddenly like the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette…hmmm…

324. It’s even weirder to have completed Psychology of Love a couple of months ago and now beginning an actual new relationship.  Talk about textbook…

325. I CAN MAKE GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, & EGG-FREE OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES!!!  Epic day.  07/11/10.

326. That woman lives her life through her pain-body.  How sad.

327. Minds can change extremely fast.

328. I have identified five collective pain-bodies in which I have a stake:

a. The American Gay (LGBTQ+) Pain-Body

b. The Mormon (LDS) Pain-Body

c. The Gay Mormon Pain-Body

d. The Food Allergy Pain-Body

e. The Gluten-Intolerant/Celiac Pain-Body

329. I find hidden Mickey’s in my everyday life.

330. I’m capable of sending and receiving an “It’s me” voicemail.

331. The past can truly be haunting.

332. “D-BOX” isn’t dirty, it’s just a vibratey seat!

333. When I like a movie enough, I can see it 5 times in 15 days.  Inception rocks.

334. Monday, August 30, 2010:  Kidney stone.  Worst.  Pain.  EVER.

335. Guess what?  Potassium, still only inching it’s way up.  I have far more blood tests than I would prefer.

336. If they changed their mind and “accepted” me, I don’t think I would go back.  The damage is done.

337. Clubbing is much more tolerable with a significant other.

338. Blogging is like therapy.

339. Protests and rallies are like therapy.

340. Wendover is so sleazy it’s spectacular.

341. Gambling is kinda stupid…

342. Saying “my boyfriend” makes me all giddy.  *sigh*

Passed Past

Leave me alone!
I'm sick of you!
All you do is nag and complain!
You're so damn needy!
You demand excessive amounts of my attention.
And the worst part?  I give it to you.

Why do I keep doing this?
I accept the fact you were part of my life...but we broke up!
Can't we just move on and be cordial?

I keep lying for you...
I keep withholding for you...
I keep hiding for you...
I keep failing for you...
I keep (attempting) to impress for you...
I keep defending you...
I keep missing out...all so you won't hurt me!
Why does my crying excite you?
Some cowardly part of me is still terrified of you and you know it.
And some sick part of me gets off on the fear, misery, and torture you inflict.

Over and over and over again!

I can't help but re-over-analyze you in my head, to my friends, to my family, in my writing, in my talking, in my crying, and in my screaming.

I hate how I let you control me!

No matter how much I think I've put you behind me and officially passed you by...  No matter how many times I convince myself I've moved on...  No matter what I do, you always creep back into my life and wreak havoc.

Does this mean I'm not where I thought?  What am I missing?  Where am I in this continuum?  What do I need to do to keep you where you belong so you'll stop ruining my Now?

Have I not fully confronted you?
Have I not faced you head on like I thought I have...over and over and over again...?
Which one of us has the unresolved business?
...and what on earth will resolve it?!

I don't want to talk about you any more.  I don't want to think about you any more.  I deserve to think of happier things.  I would much rather waste my time on anything else but you.

I went through your colic-like torment to get where I am Now.  And you won't let me forget it.  Do you need a thank-you letter or a reward?  Do you want some sort of compensation?  Do you feel entitled to tortuously remind me how you made me who I am?  Who is the victim here, anyway?  Just because you're miserable doesn't mean I have to be miserable with you!

I'm sick of your pity party.
Get over yourself.
Just die.
I deserve better than you.
Let me get on with my life; I can't keep waiting to live.

Now where was I...?