Betrayal

I thought I understood betrayal;
deceit;
hypocrisy;
abandonment;
withdrawal;
fraud;
let-down.
Then I grew up.

Life betrayed me that day.

Life stopped going the way I always imagined it would. It's life's fault I feel this way, not mine.
Life took away my love.
Life took away my home.
Life took away my security.
Life took away my clarity.
Life took away my god.

How can I possibly trust again?
Men deceive,
business is fraudulent,
home abandons,
friends let down,
meds withdraw,
and religion is a hypocrite.
Life betrayed me.

How dare Life not Live up to my grandiose, pies-in-the-sky, rainbows-and-unicorns expectations? Pies make a mess when they fall from so high in the sky.

Betrayal has left me bitter and begging for a breath of blissfulness in which my brain can bathe.

I did this to myself. Does that mean I can fix it?

"Drowning" by Mateus Lucena

"Drowning" by Mateus Lucena

The Damage Is Done

You're a fraud
You're a liar
You're a hypocrite
You're despicable
You're disgusting
You're not the role model you think you are
You're not credible
You're ruining people's lives
You're ruining your own...

I can't believe how much I respected you
I can't believe now much I wanted to be you
I can't believe I wasted so much life on you
I can't believe I expended so many brain cells to understand you
...to identify with you
...to commiserate with you
Yet now I despise and resent you

You made me miserable...suicidal
Your latest actions are disgusting
What are you trying to prove?
You can't change it and you know it

Why won't you just shut up and go away now?
You've done enough damage

Blast from the past: Prop 8, Mormons, Founders, Voting, Agency, Revelation, and some Betrayal...sounds like a good read!

This is a Jason Hoggan Facebook Note original. Post date May 27, 2009 at 1:52AM, so I am re-posting it exactly a year later. Anyway, the title is "Prop 8, Mormons, Founders, Voting, Agency, Revelation, and some Betrayal...sounds like a good read!"  Enjoy.

This is a rather unique Note. As many of you that are reading this already know, last election season I officially got my feathers ruffled by a few too many people, and one specific religious organization, to keep quiet any longer. I loudly voiced my opinion on gay marriage, told a rather brief yet detailed version of my “story,” and also unintentionally outed myself to many many people through all of this. This Note is a more detailed and thoughtful description of why I became so upset at the LDS Church and their involvement with Proposition 8 in California during election season 2008.

I was taught from a very young age that my Church would never tell its members how to vote. Every year around election season, the bishop would read (and still does) a letter from the First Presidency that states the LDS Church never endorses a political candidate or a political party. They would never tell us how to vote; just encourage us to do so.

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I Hate This

I hate that it has finally come to this.
I hate that he let it get to this.
I hate that he has known this whole time, but did nothing about it.
I hate that everyone has known, yet done nothing.
I hate that it took this for anyone to even begin to care.

I hate his lack of responsibility.
I hate his ignorance.
I hate his attitude.
I hate his "managing."
I hate his micromanaging.
I hate his jealousy.
I hate his "years of experience."
I hate his fakeness.
I hate his lies.
I hate his two-facedness.

I hate saying goodbye.
I hate not having my cubicle sharing partner.
I hated letting go of that hug.
I hate being asked "What can I do to get you to stay?" 2 months too late.
I hate knowing the potential, but not being able so see it come to fruition.
I hate leaving her behind.
I hate knowing someone is being dumped into this situation.
I hate leaving her in the dark.
I hate leaving them.

I hate leaving a creditless legacy.
I hate you for what you've done.
I hate that I have to grieve this like a death.
I hate walking away from my baby.
I hate not being able to fully convey my anger and frustration.
I hate that she had a foot out the door this whole time.
I hate how much I'm going to miss you.
I hate that this is the right decision.
I hate how much I miss them.
I hate this conflict.
I hate that I've done absolutely all I can do.

I HATE leaving this way!

I hate this.
I hate this!
I HATE this!
I HATE THIS!