Like a taut bundle of wire through my being,
my soul,
the alignment centers...grounds...elevates.
From my niche in the center of Earth,
my cord soars to the heart
of beautifully obstructive satellite.
Veiling Light, Moon accelerates unnoticed life.
My pillar perforates until it again finds Light,
flows toward the nucleus of Sun
and beyond - to the center of center.
Beginning connects present connects end.
Masculine is feminine
and feminine is masculine.
Ancient DNA frightened and enlightened.
Coronal fringes wisp and flutter,
midday twilight and encircling sunset
the only reminders.
Time stops -- no -- time disappears as Sun.
Time doesn't exist.
Time is still -
until the diamond explodes with delightful disappointment
and propulsion to blinding so-called reality.
The infinite two minutes and twenty two seconds again finite.
Energetic bundle still taut but vibrating with higher frequency.
Hastening healing,
Expediting enlightenment,
Intensifying intuition,
Accelerating awareness,
Enhancing empathy,
Flying fearlessly forward.
Betrayal
I thought I understood betrayal;
deceit;
hypocrisy;
abandonment;
withdrawal;
fraud;
let-down.
Then I grew up.
Life betrayed me that day.
Life stopped going the way I always imagined it would. It's life's fault I feel this way, not mine.
Life took away my love.
Life took away my home.
Life took away my security.
Life took away my clarity.
Life took away my god.
How can I possibly trust again?
Men deceive,
business is fraudulent,
home abandons,
friends let down,
meds withdraw,
and religion is a hypocrite.
Life betrayed me.
How dare Life not Live up to my grandiose, pies-in-the-sky, rainbows-and-unicorns expectations? Pies make a mess when they fall from so high in the sky.
Betrayal has left me bitter and begging for a breath of blissfulness in which my brain can bathe.
I did this to myself. Does that mean I can fix it?
"Drowning" by Mateus Lucena
Unless
Things you should not, I said NOT, say to someone with an anxiety or major depressive disorder:
- Man up.
- Grow a pair.
- It's in your head.
- You just need more sun.
- You're a hypochondriac.
- Your emotions are so unpredictable. (No kidding - try being the one experiencing them.)
- You're always sick.
- Buck up.
- Drama queen.
- You're being a baby.
Unless you've experienced depression or anxiety so bad you've considered killing yourself;
Unless you've gone through the pain of getting on an antidepressant (or 5);
Unless you've experienced the numbness that feels like such a relief at first, but then turns into a yearning to feel again;
Unless you've tried to get off of an antidepressant and experienced true chemical dependence withdrawal;
Unless you've been unable to get out of bed for days because it hurts too much;
Unless your behavior has caused you to lose the people who were once closest to you;
Unless...
Then shut the fuck up and mind your own business.
How do you do this to me?
How do you do this to me?
How can I hate your hurtful heart,
But sigh for your smell on my sheets?
How can I loath your lousy lies,
But crave your counterfeit concurrence?
How can I despise your desperate devotion,
But pine for your perpetual and palpable presence?
How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally destroy.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?
Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let this good-for-nothin' guilt
Cloud my already cockeyed comprehension?
Why do I fantasize the future we were facing,
Instead of soul-searching and stabilizing my self?
Why do I desire a darling,
But have a forever fleeting focus?
Why do I do this to me?
Since when did I lose control of my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?
How do I forget your love?
How do I leave behind my own?
I'll never forget our years together.
The memories have pierced my soul.
But, it's over.
I miss you and will always love you.
How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?
How do you do this to me?
How do you do this to me?
Goodbye.
Mirror Mirror
"Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucking reflection." - SMT
How do you repair a mirror smashed into 64 billion pieces?
I guess the answer is: carefully...and with gloves so you don't cut yourself.
I forgot the gloves in my haste.
Once the mirror smashed, my first reaction was to hurry and put it back together as to see clearly again as soon as possible. But I cut up my hands and bled all over the poorly reconfigured puzzle. I couldn't see any clearer.
Crap. Now I have to re-break it if there's any hope of seeing clearly.
*smash*crash*crunch*
I can't do this again. I quit.
Trust forever betrayed.
Forgiveness never in sight.
Forever bandaging the wounds.
Never healing.
Always hurting.
Always bleeding.
What a mess.
Don't Be So Hard
"Don't be so hard on yourself."
It's not attractive.
It's not productive.
Your darkest bruises are from your own mind.
Do the blotches and scars help you heal?
Do they help you forget?
How about forgive?
Move on?
Or do they help you remember to punish yourself every second of every day?
To look in the mirror with pure hatred and disgust?
To regret what you did?
What you said?
What you didn't do?
What you didn't say?
Do they help you remember what you lost?
Do they help you remember how much you fucked up?
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Do the track marks lead you to any happiness?
Or only to more sorrow and depression?
Did you ever think you might enjoy the pain and drama more than peace and calm? What an unpleasant, painful way to live.
Lighten up. Live a little. Step out of your comfort corner.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Daemon of The Past
Photo by CodingNinja
Movies portray daemons in so many ways - some crawl, some swoop like ghosts, and some lurk faceless in the shadows. But the worst daemon of them all is The Past - unseen and non palpable.
The Past terrorizes the mind like the ghosts of asylum patients haunt the halls of their former home.
The Past is a liar. It fools you into believing a hologram. It's fake. It's a façade hiding your mind's eye from reality and The Truth.
The Past makes you angry and bitter. It makes you blame everyone...everything...except yourself.
The Past asserts you had no control. It was his fault. It was her fault. If only he didn't do that...if only she didn't say that...then things would be better for ME.
The Past is denial.
But at the same time, The Past is guilt and self-loathing. The Past is worthlessness and hopelessness. The Past digs a pit of shame and throws you in, spiraling toward the invisible bottom.
Photo by brownspoo
The Past enjoys being construed, twisted, and morphed into whatever causes you the most possible pain.
The Past then wants you to awaken its brother daemons in the people around you. Spread the pain and suffering!
The Past is a kidney stone of the mind. The pain is excruciating. It can even feel like you may die.
The Past makes you sadder than you ever thought possible. It makes your tear ducts shrivel. It makes your sleep scarce and strenuous.
Photo by F l S f a h .. ❥
The Past wants to break free and become reality. It will convince you its freedom will be your solace, when in fact, it is your demise.
The Past breaks free with death - your death. The escape from its torture lies in your own hands. You must die to alleviate the depression, pain, and tormenting anxiety The Past inflicts.
Of course this isn't The Truth. The Past destroys hope, butchers faith, and mocks The Truth.
But The Truth knows self eradication will only cause more pain - for your soul and those you leave behind.
Photo by lorrainemd
The Truth may not be pretty, but it's not a big phony like The Past.
The Truth is now.
The Truth is here.
The Truth doesn't dabble with The Past.
The Truth doesn't fiddle with The Future.
The Truth is grace.
The Truth is the escape.
The Truth is happiness.
The Truth is Love.
The Truth is health and healing.