Unless

Things you should not, I said NOT, say to someone with an anxiety or major depressive disorder:

1. Man up.
2. Grow a pair.
3. It's in your head.
4. You just need more sun.
5. You're a hypochondriac.
6. Your emotions are so unpredictable. (No kidding - try being the one experiencing them.)
7. You're always sick.
8. Buck up.
9. Drama queen.
10. You're being a baby.

Unless you've experienced depression or anxiety so bad you've considered killing yourself;

Unless you've gone through the pain of getting on an antidepressant (or 5);

Unless you've experienced the numbness that feels like such a relief at first, but then turns into a yearning to feel again;

Unless you've tried to get off of an antidepressant and experienced true chemical dependence withdrawal;

Unless you've been unable to get out of bed for days because it hurts too much;

Unless your behavior has caused you to lose the people who were once closest to you;

Unless...

Then shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

"Here I Hide" by Mark Lauman

Daemon of The Past

Photo by CodingNinja

Movies portray daemons in so many ways - some crawl, some swoop like ghosts, and some lurk faceless in the shadows. But the worst daemon of them all is The Past - unseen and non palpable.

The Past terrorizes the mind like the ghosts of asylum patients haunt the halls of their former home.

The Past is a liar. It fools you into believing a hologram. It's fake. It's a façade hiding your mind's eye from reality and The Truth.

The Past makes you angry and bitter. It makes you blame everyone...everything...except yourself.

The Past asserts you had no control. It was his fault. It was her fault. If only he didn't do that...if only she didn't say that...then things would be better for ME.

The Past is denial.

But at the same time, The Past is guilt and self-loathing. The Past is worthlessness and hopelessness. The Past digs a pit of shame and throws you in, spiraling toward the invisible bottom.

Photo by brownspoo

The Past enjoys being construed, twisted, and morphed into whatever causes you the most possible pain.

The Past then wants you to awaken its brother daemons in the people around you. Spread the pain and suffering!

The Past is a kidney stone of the mind. The pain is excruciating. It can even feel like you may die.

The Past makes you sadder than you ever thought possible. It makes your tear ducts shrivel. It makes your sleep scarce and strenuous.

Photo by F l S f a h .. ❥

The Past wants to break free and become reality. It will convince you its freedom will be your solace, when in fact, it is your demise.

The Past breaks free with death - your death. The escape from its torture lies in your own hands. You must die to alleviate the depression, pain, and tormenting anxiety The Past inflicts.

Of course this isn't The Truth. The Past destroys hope, butchers faith, and mocks The Truth.

But The Truth knows self eradication will only cause more pain - for your soul and those you leave behind.

Photo by lorrainemd

The Truth may not be pretty, but it's not a big phony like The Past.

The Truth is now.
The Truth is here.

The Truth doesn't dabble with The Past.
The Truth doesn't fiddle with The Future.

The Truth is grace.
The Truth is the escape.

The Truth is happiness.
The Truth is Love.

The Truth is health and healing.

Depression, Anxiety, Love...and Other Drugs

*tap*tap*tap*

I can't write.
Why?
Well, the title pretty much explains it all.  It's also not vague in any way.

Okay, maybe it's a little vague considering I kind of copied a movie title a little tiny bit.

I have depression and anxiety.  Both are likely inherited (thanks, parents).  I have always been a rather anxious person.  I figure a large portion of my anxiety was actually learned and conditioned considering I grew up "different" and Mormon.  To say the least, that calls for a lot of nervous times.

Of course I have also been depressed at times...even suicidal.  But this time it's different.

Miserable Emptiness

There's no foundation to the sadness.  I feel an emptiness I believe could never be reconciled.  A void that could absolutely never be filled.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to wake up.  I don't want to sleep.  If I sleep, I have to eventually wake up and...and...do something.  I don't want to see my friends.  I don't want to see my boyfriend.  I don't want to see my family.  It makes me sick.

I want to quit school.  I want to quit my job...s.  I want to quit.  I don't necessarily want to die, but I want to hurt myself so I can prove to you all how sick I am.  So I can prove to you how much I need to quit school...to quit my jobs...s.

I want to run away.  Running away will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I'm in love.  It's weird to be in love for the first time and also be extremely depressed.  And then to be taking an antidepressant that increases your anxiety five-fold.  I'm in love.  Why now?  What bizarre timing.

I want to run away...with him.  That will fix everything.  It will fix nothing.

I can't write.
I'm afraid to write.
I'm afraid to tell you what is going on with me.
I'm again afraid of being judged and having even more stereotypes hurled at me.

I want to run away.  I'll run until the pills, pills, and more pills kick in and fix everything. They'll fix nothing.

They won't fix me.
They won't fix my family.
They won't fix the business.
They won't fix my boyfriend.
They won't fix my relationship with him either.

I guess I have to participate too.

I want to run away.  I want to hide until I have the energy to help the pills.

They're so demanding of me.