Unconditional: Love, Abuse, and Survivor's Guilt

I have a message. I have a story I need to share. I need to share it with families and parents. I need to share it with the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with the families and parents of those part of the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with Mormons, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, and Agnostics. I need to share it with my friends and family. I need to share it with my known and unknown enemies. I need to share it with conservatives, liberals, moderates, and the unaffiliated.

I have great parents. I want to state this fact early on so we can set it aside as we move through this together. I have great parents who have never abused me nor disowned me because of my sexual orientation. I have great parents who love me, not despite being gay. They just love me unconditionally. I have great parents, got it? Now let's set this aside.

Because I have great parents, I've been told by many gay people that I should feel so lucky, I should be so grateful, and I should act so thankful. I do feel lucky, I am grateful, and I am thankful. But you know what?

  1. The families and parents of the men who have so passionately told me those things have hurt me.
  2. And I have survivor's guilt.

This is my story - it's the story of a gay man growing up in a Mormon family who wasn't abused or disowned by his parents or family, but who has been in relationships with men who have been treated horribly by those who are supposed to be the most loving, and feels guilty about it. I have not been abused and I do not intend to discount the experience of anyone who has been. What I am doing is explaining how I relate to abuse through my own experience and trying my best to stop it from happening to just one person, just one family.

Abuse affects more than the person being abused and exists for longer than the finite amount of time the abuse may happen. Abuse infects the abused. It festers and grows inside of them. It influences every conversation, every relationship they have, forever. It fills them with self-hatred, doubts of ever being "good enough", and worry that abuse will happen again.

I have loved three men who were and are abused and/or disowned by their parents and families. Their abusive parents and families are at the heart of why each relationship ended. The abuse infected each relationship and ultimately killed it. It was a pre-existing condition in each relationship and I haven't been able to realize that until now.

The First Time

This all started when I discovered my new friend, who later became my boyfriend, was in the ER after being physically beaten by a family member because he is gay. I went home and sobbed to my parents about what happened. I felt powerless. He begged me to not call the police, so I didn't. I still regret it.

Anger by Can Balcı on flickr

Anger by Can Balcı on flickr

Later on, when this budded into a romantic relationship, the infection of abuse began to show itself through my partner's jealousy and extreme distrust. I will never admit I was or am the perfect boyfriend. I know there are things I could have done differently to quell some of this, but because distrust was literally beaten into him by someone who was supposed to love him, there was no chance of me "fixing" him. The infection was so beyond me and beyond our relationship that it was impossible to reassemble. It destroyed us in a fury of anger.

The Second Time

Alcoholic by Monica Dranger on flickr

Alcoholic by Monica Dranger on flickr

This new friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we first met. He wouldn't or couldn't leave. Instead, he would run away with me every so often and I would learn about his current relationship and his abusive family. I fell for him, and him for me. We eventually dated after years of courting. This time, the emotional and physical abuse he endured as a young man showed itself through alcohol and anger. He would drink and I would get yelled at. I would yell back. Two years later, he was drinking before going into work each morning and I realized my partner was an alcoholic that got extremely angry when drunk. This relationship had a violently chaotic ending where both his and my parents got involved. I look back at him calling his abusive father to come and "help" him as supremely twisted. My heart was shattered and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive losing him.

The Third Time

This new friend and I clicked so quickly that I didn't bat an eye when he said his relationships with his family were doing okay and were, in general, "not a big deal." Weeks and months went by, becoming closer and closer. I began feeling that all-too-familiar love for him. I happened to tell him about that love the week his "not a big deal" family began to actively and harshly insult, disown, and gossip about him. Saying the word "love" to him was either the best or worst idea I've ever had. Soon after, he came to me saying he couldn't do a romantic relationship with me right now because his heart is too broken over his family. He said he couldn't be his best self with me. He said he needed a friend. Wading through grief, I came out the other side agreeing. This relationship didn't end in an explosion like the other two. But he knows there's still time for that later. ;-)

"I Love You"

These men were all abused by someone who said "I love you." The distrust that grew and festered in them turned into an infectious beast that prevented them from trusting me when I said "I love you" to them. In fact, they were hurt by people in the name of love, by people who love(d) them so much, they were willing to become the villain to save their gay son, brother, uncle, or nephew's soul. This kind of love makes "love" the most confusing word on earth. So please don't tell me about my great parents that I know I have. Talk to me about my first boyfriend being beaten, my second turning to angry alcohol, and the third breaking my heart because of his own broken heart. My heart broke all three times. I'm not unscathed. The families of these men hurt me. Like I said before, I'm not eclipsing their pain, but showing you I have some too.

I am not sitting high nor am I sitting mighty. I actually feel shunned by my own gay community because I have this pain inside me that I'm told I'm not allowed to voice or feel because I'm so lucky. My gay community easily reflects, and even focuses, their familial and outward pain back inward to other gay people. The distortion of love is ruining the futures of so many wonderful people, but we only realize that when we decide we can't take it any more and need something to change. "How's that workin' out for ya?" "Not so great."

I shouldn't have to live part of my life fearing that the word "love" will trigger PTSD in a partner. It's not fair to either of us. It makes me so upset that this happens and that I have no control over it. I like to have control as much as anyone, and I also acknowledge that I only have control over myself - my actions, my words, and my self - but willingly relinquishing control of a situation is immensely difficult when feelings and words like love are in play. Because these men became so frightened of love, I haven't been able to fully express my love. It's like trying to describe experiencing a total solar eclipse - words only do about 20% of the job. When I have to stifle how I express my love, it is distressing and supremely frustrating. I've even been told by one of these men to not change how I expressed my love for them. But I'm not sure they totally understand how impossible that is. If I'm in love with someone, I'm going to do and say things with them that I don't say or do with a typical friend. It feels stifled. And I want to blame someone. I can't blame him. I can't blame me. I can try as hard as I want to blame his family. Sometimes that makes me feel better. But it usually doesn't. I can't control his family and I can't control him, so "blame" falls back on the only thing I have control over - me. But I don't want blame. Blame is negative. Responsibility? Maybe, but that sounds so sterile and too mature. Love isn't mature. It's not on the maturity spectrum. 

God Is Unconditional Love

We use so many different words to describe a singular idea: love. God, Higher Power, Divine, Christ, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Yahweh, Jehovah, Lord, Maker, Light, Earth, Sun, Sky, Gaia, Spirit, Father, Mother, and the hundreds more I've missed. The word you use is deeply personal and powerful to you. The thing that transcends all religion, creed, race, and location and is a single thread of commonality woven into each of these words: love. God is not just love. God is unconditional love. God does not "love the sinner, not the sin." That is conditional love and not of God.

If you're part of a family hoping their gay son will get scared away from a man who loves them and come back to you, admitting defeat, wanting your acceptance again, and hoping they want to be welcomed back into the church...think about the damage you've done to their brain. Why would you wish heartache on someone? Why would you wish pain? Why would you wish lost love? It's not about whether you "agree" with their "choice" (because being gay isn't a choice), it's about being a parent and having unconditional and "god-like" love for your child. Having unconditional love despite their gayness is conditional love. Unconditional love isn't "love the sinner, not the sin." In fact, unconditional love doesn't place the judgement of sin on anyone, ever.

Unconditional love:

man baby unconditional love.jpeg
  • doesn't attach strings
  • doesn't pose judgement
  • doesn't sling malice
  • doesn't harbor resentment
  • doesn't entertain anger
  • doesn't house hatred
  • doesn't possess fear
  • doesn't hold animosity
  • doesn't fling insult
  • doesn't abuse
  • and doesn't disown

I don't know if this will ever happen, but if the parents or family members of any of the men I briefly talked about above ever read this, I hope you've been able to put your pride aside and see not only the awful things you've done to your son and your family, but the pain you've caused the people that love/d him. There are reparations to be made beyond your son and far beyond me.

Forgiveness

Do you deserve forgiveness? Probably not. What you have done is truly the worst thing you could do to another soul: tell them you love them and intentionally hurt them in the name of said love. It is despicable, reprehensible, disgusting, offensive, vile, wicked, and just plain bad. And the thing is, the forgiveness I've seen asked for by families who have behaved in such a way isn't pure.

The forgiveness asked for comes across as 1) Ignoring: "Let's both agree to just ignore what happened. I'll ignore you're gay and you ignore I beat/hurt/disowned you, okay?", 2) Victim Blaming: "You know, if you would have just toned it down a little bit, none of this would have happened. If you wouldn't have advertised your sexual orientation, this wouldn't have happened.", and/or 3) Pity Party: "I had such a hard childhood/adolescence/time that I didn't know how to react. If my life wasn't so hard, I would have been better - woe is me, I have it so much worse off than you (the person I hurt)."

Would you forgive anyone who came to you with any of those attitudes? Neither would I. Sincerely asking for forgiveness is one of the most vulnerable states you could ever put yourself in. You'll have an idea you're doing it right when it's no longer about you and it's all about the person you've wronged. You're doing it right if you listen and understand why what you've done is so terrible. And you're doing it right if you not only say you won't ever do anything like it again, but you actually don't.

I Have Survivor's Guilt

Why did I survive and they didn't?

Why did I get great parents and they didn't?
Why did I get a great extended family and they didn't?
Why did I receive unconditional love and they didn't?
Why did I bypass abuse and they didn't?
Why did I leave the church so drama-free when they didn't?
Why did I escape suicide and they didn't?

I should feel so lucky.
I should be so grateful.
I should act so thankful.

I do all of those. But I feel guilt.

If there is one thing you leave with after reading this, I hope it's the realization that, when it comes to people's problems and comparing them to your own: If it's not one thing, it's another. We all have our own unique set of life experiences leading us to handle situations differently and feel situations differently. I know when the day comes that I'm rich that I will certainly solve my "poor" problems, but I'll be trading them in for other problems I can't even understand yet.

Even though I have great parents and don't have the abusive baggage so many in my community have, it doesn't mean I don't have my own issues and my own issues related to that same abuse, though not directly aimed at me. So, I'm going to own that I'm a Survivor. I'm going to own having Survivor's Guilt. I'm going to own the pain from those conditionally loving families. I'm going to own having great parents.

Indigo Eiffel Tower

I am the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.

Paris is the heart of Europe when I'm talking about Europe. I've had the pleasure of visiting that city twice. I only learned years later that when I visited the first time, I left part of my heart there. My first trip to Europe was the first time I began to accept my sexual orientation as part of myself. I realized that, when I returned home, I needed to end things with my girlfriend because things could not continue the way they were going. I knew I was gay and I had to face that fact.

I grew up Mormon and was still actively Mormon at the time. I soon resolved to come out as gay, but remain single and celibate and active in the LDS faith. In short, that didn't work out for me very well and I have since left the church. But know, leaving the church doesn't immediately heal the wounds it inflicted. It also doesn't destroy the aspects that I decided were pure and wanted to incorporate into my soul.

The Prop 8 battle was tough. You can read an older blog from me about that if you want to see more of my reaction. The post is titled BLAST FROM THE PAST: PROP 8, MORMONS, FOUNDERS, VOTING, AGENCY, REVELATION, AND SOME BETRAYAL...SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD READ! You might also be interested in IGNORANT REMARKS, INSENSITIVE TIMING - THEIR INJURIOUS CONSEQUENCES AND THE IMPENDING PARADIGM SHIFT. For now, let's just call that a major blow. The thing that almost did me in was the "leaked" policy in November 2015. You can read more about that HERE from the The Salt Lake Tribune. To summarize, gay people are to be considered apostates, children of gay parents are not allowed to join the church until they become adults, and upon joining, they must renounce their parents' relationship.

It's not like I was surprised by what the statement and what was said, but I was taken aback that they actually said it. I spent most of my time avoiding talking about the topic with anyone, including my own family.

About a week later, Paris experienced a terrorist attack. It was Friday, November 13, 2015 - I will never forget. I happened to take the day off of work and spent the entire day watching the news and crying.

My left arm also began to hurt that day. I blamed it, at the time, on a medical procedure I had done that included an IV. The thing is, the pain in my forearm continued to get worse and worse each day. I spoke to two naturopathic doctors and saw my massage therapist / energy worker one day and it all finally clicked: Paris was where I first began to accept myself and that magnitude of a revelation left an impression on my heart and my heart left an impression on Paris. Years later, to have the church attack my being once again and re-open those wounds and then have a physical attack on the city that holds my heart was too much for my soul to bear. My arm swelled up to protect me from the influx of painful energy I was absorbing from my gay community, my ex-Mormon community, and Paris.

Within two days of discovering this connection, the swelling and pain had decreased by 80%. I knew I could no longer ignore intense and uncomfortable feelings because my body would rebel if I didn't take in the energy and process it. Of course, some of this is now known with hindsight. Since then, I've discovered I'm empathic and it makes even more sense why these simultaneously unfolding events had such a profound effect on my physical, spiritual, mental, and energetic bodies. My left arm is my primary "receiving" arm - I receive information and energy through that arm. I believe my arm was trying to protect my Heart Chakra from impacting with that energy because it truly believed it would break my heart. Once my arm let it go, it did break my heart, but it had to be broken. It had to break again so I could process this heartache from the new perspective I now had on how the LDS church had impacted me then and how I was going to let it impact me from now on. The symbolism of the whole experience is still striking to me - literally witnessing an attack on Paris was like watching my heart be shattered again by this organization I used to find purpose within.

The Eiffel Tower stands out tall and modern from its city of old, classic, and conservative architecture.

The Eiffel Tower breaks tradition and the way things were.

The Eiffel Tower was widely regarded as an eyesore for decades after being completed.

The Eiffel Tower is now a landmark, a monument.

The Eiffel Tower doesn't advertise. You know where it is. And even if you don't know the exact location in Paris, once you're there, you'll find it by sheer will or by looking at the skyline. And if you miss it in daylight, it will shimmer as a beacon at night.

I believe I stand out tall and modern from the culture in which I was raised. I believe I shine a light on "the way things were" and ask you to re-think. I believe I'm getting better and better each day at being my authentic self and not caring what people think of me. I believe I stand out. And I believe I can be found by anyone at any time when you need me. My name is Jason. In Greek, my name means healer. I am a healer. I am an empath. When I can help heal you (or you, me), you will find me.

I got a tattoo on my left forearm to remind me of this experience and to remind me to let myself feel everything with my heart, no matter how painful I might think it is. It is better to feel it and process it than let it build up and coagulate into a painful, swollen mess.

jasontattoopisceseiffeltower

My tattoo is four main things: 1. Tribal in style - I've always liked the look of tribal tattoos. 2. The shape of a Pisces symbol. I'm 100% Pisces and I love it. 3. Vaguely, a capital H for my last name. I just so happens that the Pisces symbol also looks like an H. 4. The Eiffel Tower.

One last thing. In the title I mention the color Indigo. This color has become my personal protector. The story is deeply private, so I'm going to keep most of it to myself. But, what I will say is that Indigo regulates the energy that enters me. It protects me. And the image of the Eiffel Tower in an Indigo light stays in my mind and represents me in my self-narraritive.

I am the Eiffel Tower.

Eclipsèd

No matter the number of articles you read, podcasts you listen to, blogs you scroll through, you will be very bothered by the question "How was the eclipse?" after having the opportunity to experience a total solar eclipse. It's not that any of those people were lying about the experience -- quite the contrary -- it's that words aren't the best medium for portraying the experience in the first place. Words simply do not seem to carry the momentous weight of the phenomenon.

On August 21, 2017, I was lucky enough to experience "The Great American Eclipse" at totality with one of my very best friends, Katie, north of Boise, ID. Specifically, north of Ola, ID. Even more specifically, at N 44°16'25.032" W 116°19'08.808". Here's a view from above:

The location was surprisingly tranquil with a small group of grazing horses at the bottom of the valley and the Squaw Creek flowing. There were three other groups of Eclipse watchers near by, but we were all out of hearing distance of each other. We chose to have a "separate" viewing experience, but it still felt like we were part of the huge group of people watching.

Pano of our terresterial Eclipse view

At about 10:15, we put on our Eclipse glasses and saw the first bits of the Sun being eaten away by the Moon. As it slowly drifted further over the Sun, we talked about going into this next chapter of our lives without fear and with joy. We talked about the new chapter this will open for the country - the new, higher level of vibration that the consciousness of the human race will start to accelerate toward and the significance of this this ushering Eclipse happening over the United States. We could use a higher plane right now. We talked about jobs, relationships, romance, politics, family, "shit families," physics, astronomy, astrology, metaphysics, empathic abilities, and the Divine.

When about 80% of the Sun was Eclipsèd, I felt the temperature drop and the canyon winds become cooler. At 90% Eclipsèd, it had dropped by 10°F. We said, "This is what Salt Lake will be seeing in about eight minutes! Wow!" At the same time, we heard an airplane, but couldn't find it in the sky. It must have been on the other side of the small mountain peak in front of us. It echoed and roared through the small valley. It sounded like the shadow of the moon was accelerating toward us so quickly and stirring up the atmosphere in such a way that it made an actual noise. But I'm pretty sure it was an airplane...

At 90% totality, the light around looks strange. Almost like it's overcast, but the sky is clear and light isn't being diffused through clouds. It's simply dimmer.

The picture above doesn't capture the lighting change in a specific way, but if you compare it to the panorama above, you'll notice the camera compensated for the lighting change by making this photo a bit warmer.

95% appraoches and it gets colder and more eerie. 97%...98%... The temperate has plummeted nearly 20°F. I turned around to take a picture of the incredibly blue sky behind me. Again, the camera compensated for the change in light, but the strikingly blue sky lets you know it was looking remarkably close to twilight.

As totality approaches, I feel my ancient DNA perk up and strike me with a dash of fear and terror - old memories of the ancients who didn't know what was happening to their Sun in these moments.

99% and the crescent Sun is now a slightly curved line, then a line, then a dot. I take my glasses off and squint to my left waiting for the diamond of the last bit of Sunlight. It bursts. I relax my eyes. I look up. I gasp. Katie was a few seconds late to the party, but she got there, haha!

I try to take a couple of pictures. These are the best I could get: a portion of the 360° sunset and the Eclipse itself - there's actually a little black dot in the center of that white light!

Eclipse Twilight Sunset

Eclipse. I know it's an awful picture, but it's the best I've got. The memory is crystal clear.

Eclipse. I know it's an awful picture, but it's the best I've got. The memory is crystal clear.

Next to the Sun/Moon, you could see Mercury and further along in the solar path you could see Venus - neither of which you ever get to see in the middle of the day. The Corona. How does anybody describe seeing the Sun's Corona?

Time stopped when it hit. Looking back, it feels like it lasted forever and one second simultaneously.

I keep telling everyone I can't quite find the words to describe the experience, so I'm going to list as many as I can. Are you ready?

other-worldly, frightening, awe-inspiring, weird breath-taking, transcendent, beautiful, enchanting, peaceful, joyful, blinding, backwards, inverse, important, weird, dim, bizarre, chilly, amazing, alien, rapturous, overwhelming, adrenaline-filled, weird, dusty (but that was just because of the dirt road), serene, stunning, spiritual, grounding, too fast, too short infinite, enveloping, shadowed, incredible, weird, natural gasp-worthy, Divine, unforgettable, electrifying, emotional, "worth the drive...totally worth the drive", 

Also, weird.

See? Words don't really cut it.

The spiritual gravity of this will continue to strike me and sink in over the coming days...weeks...and longer, I am sure. And you'll surely hear more from me about it.

Heart(break)

It's amazing to me how much of a beating the heart can take. How much it will claw and grasp and squeeze to stop from falling off the edge and tumbling down to shatter into a million pieces. Only to then start putting itself back together, one piece at a time. Most of them in the right place.

My heart has broken a lot over the past couple of years. Yet somehow, it doesn't harden. After it repairs, it lets someone else back in. It takes a risk and lays it all on the line again, only to be denied, slapped out of my outstretched hand, and tumbles to the floor to shatter again.

Being an empath is incredibly painful. I feel other people's pain, yes, but good god, I feel my own pain like a scalding branding iron on my soul. It leaves a scar to remind me each and every time. I'm only 28. I've lost track of the scars...I don't even know how many there are any more, but they remind me of their existence when I need to be reminded.

So. I am single again. I am so tired of mingling. In pain and heartbreak like this, I always think of the lyric "I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this." You know why? Because there isn't another one like this. There isn't another person just like that heartbreaker. Each soul is different. There will never be another one like this. That loss deserves ample grief.

Spare me the "he doesn't know what he's missing", "there's plenty of fish...", "he'll regret giving you up", "you're a catch, you'll find someone soon." I don't give a fuck. He DOES know what he's missing. We both know how big the ocean is AND how unique each other is. He probably will have some regret, but that sure as hell doesn't make me feel better. I have my own regrets, too. I'll find someone soon...sure. Sure I will. But I want him.

I have something I need to admit to the world. I MAY or MAY NOT be polyamorous. I don't fucking know. With some people I feel more monogamous than with other people. I'm figuring that out on a case-by-case basis now. This flip-flop was hurtful to someone I love and I need him to know how incredibly sorry I am for causing that pain. Please, please forgive me. I am so sorry.

I've learned a new word: demisexual. I don't really like the word, but I've read some insightful interpretations that resonate with me. I'm not "half" sexual like the word would make you believe. But I am taking this word upon myself to mean this: Initial physical attraction is good, very good, and very helpful. In fact, I need a fairly high amount of initial physical attraction. But. But - I cannot have sexual contact with that person until I get to know their soul and their energy better. It makes me a gatekeeper. Whatever, fine. It also makes me easier to take advantage of than I ever knew before. But now that I am owning this, I won't be so easily taken.

Grief. It doesn't have stages. It doesn't have beginnings. It doesn't have endings. Grief comes in moments of so many different forms: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, depression, acceptance, unacceptable, hard-headedness, compassion, pride...the list goes on. But they are never in an order, and any can show at any time. Feel it. Cry. Wail. Scream.

A soulmate is someone with whom you made a pact before coming to earth. You and this soulmate agreed to teach each other something big. Actually, "big" doesn't cut it. You agreed to teach each other something monumental. These soulmate relationships quite often end in heartbreak. I met a soulmate in February. My heart broke in August. It was fast. It was wonderful. The heartbreak is painful.

My heart is in a million-minus-one pieces this time. This repair will be slow. This repair will be messy. I'll accidentally drop my heart 1,000 Times and have to re-repair sections over and over again. But you know what? It's still soft and open. I am the only one who has the power to harden my heart and I refuse to choose a perpetual hardened state. It'll harden for a few weeks...a few months...while the super glue cures. But I'll be back. Somehow. Somehow....somehow...