Indigo Eiffel Tower

I am the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.

Paris is the heart of Europe when I'm talking about Europe. I've had the pleasure of visiting that city twice. I only learned years later that when I visited the first time, I left part of my heart there. My first trip to Europe was the first time I began to accept my sexual orientation as part of myself. I realized that, when I returned home, I needed to end things with my girlfriend because things could not continue the way they were going. I knew I was gay and I had to face that fact.

I grew up Mormon and was still actively Mormon at the time. I soon resolved to come out as gay, but remain single and celibate and active in the LDS faith. In short, that didn't work out for me very well and I have since left the church. But know, leaving the church doesn't immediately heal the wounds it inflicted. It also doesn't destroy the aspects that I decided were pure and wanted to incorporate into my soul.

The Prop 8 battle was tough. You can read an older blog from me about that if you want to see more of my reaction. The post is titled BLAST FROM THE PAST: PROP 8, MORMONS, FOUNDERS, VOTING, AGENCY, REVELATION, AND SOME BETRAYAL...SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD READ! You might also be interested in IGNORANT REMARKS, INSENSITIVE TIMING - THEIR INJURIOUS CONSEQUENCES AND THE IMPENDING PARADIGM SHIFT. For now, let's just call that a major blow. The thing that almost did me in was the "leaked" policy in November 2015. You can read more about that HERE from the The Salt Lake Tribune. To summarize, gay people are to be considered apostates, children of gay parents are not allowed to join the church until they become adults, and upon joining, they must renounce their parents' relationship.

It's not like I was surprised by what the statement and what was said, but I was taken aback that they actually said it. I spent most of my time avoiding talking about the topic with anyone, including my own family.

About a week later, Paris experienced a terrorist attack. It was Friday, November 13, 2015 - I will never forget. I happened to take the day off of work and spent the entire day watching the news and crying.

My left arm also began to hurt that day. I blamed it, at the time, on a medical procedure I had done that included an IV. The thing is, the pain in my forearm continued to get worse and worse each day. I spoke to two naturopathic doctors and saw my massage therapist / energy worker one day and it all finally clicked: Paris was where I first began to accept myself and that magnitude of a revelation left an impression on my heart and my heart left an impression on Paris. Years later, to have the church attack my being once again and re-open those wounds and then have a physical attack on the city that holds my heart was too much for my soul to bear. My arm swelled up to protect me from the influx of painful energy I was absorbing from my gay community, my ex-Mormon community, and Paris.

Within two days of discovering this connection, the swelling and pain had decreased by 80%. I knew I could no longer ignore intense and uncomfortable feelings because my body would rebel if I didn't take in the energy and process it. Of course, some of this is now known with hindsight. Since then, I've discovered I'm empathic and it makes even more sense why these simultaneously unfolding events had such a profound effect on my physical, spiritual, mental, and energetic bodies. My left arm is my primary "receiving" arm - I receive information and energy through that arm. I believe my arm was trying to protect my Heart Chakra from impacting with that energy because it truly believed it would break my heart. Once my arm let it go, it did break my heart, but it had to be broken. It had to break again so I could process this heartache from the new perspective I now had on how the LDS church had impacted me then and how I was going to let it impact me from now on. The symbolism of the whole experience is still striking to me - literally witnessing an attack on Paris was like watching my heart be shattered again by this organization I used to find purpose within.

The Eiffel Tower stands out tall and modern from its city of old, classic, and conservative architecture.

The Eiffel Tower breaks tradition and the way things were.

The Eiffel Tower was widely regarded as an eyesore for decades after being completed.

The Eiffel Tower is now a landmark, a monument.

The Eiffel Tower doesn't advertise. You know where it is. And even if you don't know the exact location in Paris, once you're there, you'll find it by sheer will or by looking at the skyline. And if you miss it in daylight, it will shimmer as a beacon at night.

I believe I stand out tall and modern from the culture in which I was raised. I believe I shine a light on "the way things were" and ask you to re-think. I believe I'm getting better and better each day at being my authentic self and not caring what people think of me. I believe I stand out. And I believe I can be found by anyone at any time when you need me. My name is Jason. In Greek, my name means healer. I am a healer. I am an empath. When I can help heal you (or you, me), you will find me.

I got a tattoo on my left forearm to remind me of this experience and to remind me to let myself feel everything with my heart, no matter how painful I might think it is. It is better to feel it and process it than let it build up and coagulate into a painful, swollen mess.

My tattoo is four main things: 1. Tribal in style - I've always liked the look of tribal tattoos. 2. The shape of a Pisces symbol. I'm 100% Pisces and I love it. 3. Vaguely, a capital H for my last name. I just so happens that the Pisces symbol also looks like an H. 4. The Eiffel Tower.

One last thing. In the title I mention the color Indigo. This color has become my personal protector. The story is deeply private, so I'm going to keep most of it to myself. But, what I will say is that Indigo regulates the energy that enters me. It protects me. And the image of the Eiffel Tower in an Indigo light stays in my mind and represents me in my self-narraritive.

I am the Eiffel Tower.

by Peter Talke Photography
Source HERE

10 Things You Say & Ask That Are 10x More Offensive Than You Even Realize

Many would expect my first blog back from a month-long European excursion would have something to do with Europe...maybe even just a little.

This is not that blog.

Here are ten things you say and ask that are ten times more offensive than you even realize.

Enjoy!

1.  "Homo"

This word is like the "N-word" - just as it is oddly appropriate for one black person to call another black person the N-word, it is also oddly appropriate for one gay person to call another gay person a homo. If you're straight, you are automatically disqualified from using that word without it being offensive.

2.  "Fag"

Sometimes people think this word is like the "N-word." But it's not. This word is offensive no matter who says it - gay, straight, or otherwise. It's sole purpose is to be offensive. So, if you never want me to speak to you, make eye contact with you, or even acknowledge your existence any more, by all means, call me a fag.

3.  "So, who's the woman in the relationship?"

This question is infuriating and the explanation why is rather long, so hang in there. We must first start with a discussion on gender. What is gender - innate or learned? Most gender studies experts will tell you that the concept of gender is a societal phenomenon, meaning gender constructs (stereotypes) are created by the society at large and then projected onto each individual in the society. For example, it seems that boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls because society says so, not because that is necessarily the toy they truly want to play with.

The next discussion involves heteronormativity. We live in a heteronormative culture, meaning it is expected, essentially from birth, that boys are attracted to girls and girls are attracted to boys. Laws of marriage are an example of heteronormativity in our government. Our culture feels compelled, then, to compare everything not conforming to heteronormativity to their heteronormative experiences and stereotypes.

This is where we get to the offensiveness of questioning a member of a gay couple as to which one of them is the "woman" in the relationship: the obvious answer, and the correct answer, is NEITHER OF THEM. One of the requirements of being gay is that both members of the gay couple must be the same gender. That's kind of the point behind identifying as such.

3.1. "But you know what I mean...one is always more feminine..."

That may sometimes be true with your heteronormative definitions of "masculine" and "feminine," but you must know by now that most gays don't care much for gender stereotypes and almost definitely don't have the same archaic and ignorant view of gender as you.

Take a moment and ask yourself if you think gender is black and white with no gray. In my opinion, there is plenty of gray area - gender is a gradient of personality characteristics and ways in which one identifies with themself.  Did you know there are even some cultures that classify gays as a third gender? 

In short, we don't appreciate having your heteronormative way of thought imposed on our relationships. In my case, my BOYfriend and I both identify as male, and that's that. Have some respect.

4. "Are you the top or the bottom?"

This question is only (sometimes) appropriate for one gay to ask another gay. The question implies a lot of gender stereotypes when asked by a straight person. No, the top is not the "man" in the relationship and the bottom is not the "woman." Refer to number 3.

5.  "...gay friend..."

5.1. "I love having you as my gay friend!" OR "You're/He's my best gay friend!"

If you can't simply refer to me as your "friend," I'm sure as hell not going to be your "gay friend."

5.2. "I have a gay friend!"

Also, the fact that you might have a "gay friend" doesn't mean you and I are instantly friends nor does it undo any possible homophobia you possess.

5.2.1. "You would love my gay friend!"

Nor does it mean I need to be set up with your "gay friend."

6.  "No homo."

This pretty much explains it all:

Unfortunately, the original video I had here has disappeared, so this will stand in for now!

7. "That's so gay."

"When say 'That's so gay,' do you realize what you say? Knock it off."

8. "Homosexual"

Strangely enough, the Safe Schools Coalition of Washington's Glossary for School Employees best describes this outrageously outdated term for what it really is:  offensive.

"Avoid this term; it is clinical, distancing, and archaic. Sometimes appropriate in referring to behavior (although same-sex is the preferred adjective). When referring to people, as opposed to behavior, homosexual is considered derogatory and the terms gay and lesbian are preferred..."

"Homosexual" focuses all attention on sex.  It's like the word becomes

homosexual.

Personally, I'm used to seeing this word in Mormon stuff on "same-sex attraction" or "SSA." (Another term I find offensive.)  The Church, at one time, focused their anti-gay literature on sex.  Sex sex sex.  Since sex is taboo in general in the LDS Church, GAY sex is the ultimate taboo, so using words like

homosexual or same-sex attraction

remind the reader how bad it is to be a homosexual.  So now I know, If you use this word, you don't know what you're talking about and your words have no merit.  Being gay involves a lot more than just sex.

9.  "*offensive-foot-in-mouth-shit*...Oh you know what I mean!"

You know what?  I don't know what you mean.

In gay culture, word choice means a lot.  What's in a word?  Well, you can't call me a fag, but you can call me gay.  You can't call me a homo, but my boyfriend can call me a homo.  Nobody can call me a faggot, but you can sometimes call me queer.  But you sure as hell better not call me a homosexual.  I'm gay.  Get the idea?

There are a lot of words thrown around to describe or identify LGBTQ... people.  Some are universally offensive while some are nichely offensive (see that word I invented there?).  Some words aren't necessarily offensive, but better ones could be used in their place.

Both gays and straights could use some practice in honoring a person's chosen identity labels. For example, I identify as a gay man.  That's a pretty boring statement if you've never been compelled to question your sexual orientation or gender before.  But for those of us that have, we know a statement like that is existence defining.  I know I am a man in a male body who is attracted to men.  I feel lucky to have never struggled with my gender identity, just my sexual identity.  Dealing with both sounds like a burden I couldn't handle.

All I'm trying to say here is to think before you speak.  Take your time and choose your words. If you're unsure of how to say something as to not offend, then ASK.  Don't stick your foot in your mouth and expect a simple "You know what I mean!" to make up for it.

10.  Shit Girls Say To Gay Guys

And lastly, everything in this video:

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

Some of you may find this sarcastic and rude, some of you may find this loving and sincere. You're all correct...it's everything, but I certainly have no intention to offend.  Sure, there is a slight "airing of grievances" feel, but it's just a jumble of my thoughts.
You find out who your friends are when they visit you regularly,
When they support you at your job by SPENDING MONEY to see your work's latest play or attraction,
When they don't complain about the price of your work's shows or admission,
When they don't ask you if they can get in for free or for a discount,
When they know your job title,
When they know what your actual job duties are (If you spend the time explaining them, that is.),
When they know your major,
When they know your minor...s,
When they come to Europe with you,
When they do all they can to go to Europe with you but just plain can't go,
When they stab you in the back,
When they leave and never come back,
When they leave without saying goodbye,
When they tell you all the things you do that drive them absolutely insane but let you do them anyway because it doesn't really matter,
When they won't tell you what's bugging them and keep it all inside until they either fade away or blow up in your face,
When they say "I love you,"
When they say "I hate you,"
When they call you a fag,
When they call you a bitch (or betch),
When they like your boyfriend so much they can hang out together without you,
When they put on a gas mask for you,
When they make a fool of themselves in front of you,
When they let you vent about your frustrations with the LDS Church and just say "I know! I'm so sorry!  It sucks!" rather than starting a fruitless debate,
When they accept a present from you,
When they fail to accept a present from you,
When they give you a present,
And when they ask you what you'd like for a present so you receive something you'd actually like to have.