Daemon of The Past

Photo by CodingNinja

Movies portray daemons in so many ways - some crawl, some swoop like ghosts, and some lurk faceless in the shadows. But the worst daemon of them all is The Past - unseen and non palpable.

The Past terrorizes the mind like the ghosts of asylum patients haunt the halls of their former home.

The Past is a liar. It fools you into believing a hologram. It's fake. It's a façade hiding your mind's eye from reality and The Truth.

The Past makes you angry and bitter. It makes you blame everyone...everything...except yourself.

The Past asserts you had no control. It was his fault. It was her fault. If only he didn't do that...if only she didn't say that...then things would be better for ME.

The Past is denial.

But at the same time, The Past is guilt and self-loathing. The Past is worthlessness and hopelessness. The Past digs a pit of shame and throws you in, spiraling toward the invisible bottom.

Photo by brownspoo

The Past enjoys being construed, twisted, and morphed into whatever causes you the most possible pain.

The Past then wants you to awaken its brother daemons in the people around you. Spread the pain and suffering!

The Past is a kidney stone of the mind. The pain is excruciating. It can even feel like you may die.

The Past makes you sadder than you ever thought possible. It makes your tear ducts shrivel. It makes your sleep scarce and strenuous.

Photo by F l S f a h .. ❥

The Past wants to break free and become reality. It will convince you its freedom will be your solace, when in fact, it is your demise.

The Past breaks free with death - your death. The escape from its torture lies in your own hands. You must die to alleviate the depression, pain, and tormenting anxiety The Past inflicts.

Of course this isn't The Truth. The Past destroys hope, butchers faith, and mocks The Truth.

But The Truth knows self eradication will only cause more pain - for your soul and those you leave behind.

Photo by lorrainemd

The Truth may not be pretty, but it's not a big phony like The Past.

The Truth is now.
The Truth is here.

The Truth doesn't dabble with The Past.
The Truth doesn't fiddle with The Future.

The Truth is grace.
The Truth is the escape.

The Truth is happiness.
The Truth is Love.

The Truth is health and healing.

"Time Is All Around" by Regina Spektor

This is one of my favorite Regina Spektor songs.  The remarkable visuals in the chorus are by far my favorite part.  Lyrics provided below.

"Time Is All Around" - Regina Spektor

You step on all my parts
And then you walk right out the door
And I know that your love ain't never
Coming back no more

Time is all around
Except inside my clock
Everybody's waiting for their lover to unlock

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees
When they're about to dry up

Time is all around
Time is all around

I hallucinate a cat between my feet
I'm stepping lightly so as not to hurt it
Everybody wants
To say that you have changed
Of course you've changed, you've changed, you've changed
Your mind's been rearrange

But leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees
When they're about to dry up

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees
When they're about to dry up

Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love?
Why am I supposed to, I'm so tired
Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?
I don't want
I don't want to
I don't want

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees
When they're about to dry up

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die
When they're about to fall from trees
When they're about to dry up

Wishes: A Letter

Wishes: A Letter

When my hair was still bull cut
I stood with the horses
Feeding them apples and cherries.
You rocked on the porch wishing—
Wishing it would never end.

But at seven, my mind grew
     And yours faded.
Age is setting in and I wish—
Wish I could turn back time.

You stayed strong-no pain-
     Only courage.
It is so hard to watch this process
And I wish—
Wish it would not claim more.

As eleven rolls by, hope has changed.
Hope of life turns to hope of freedom
     From the sickened body and mind.
As we kneel around your bed
     We pray for your comfort and release
And wish—
Wish we could see grandpa again too.

Now much has passed and we’ve all come to terms
     That you are gone.
But memories give life—
Hope gives life—
Love
        gives
                 life!
I can’t wait for the day when I need wish—
Need wish no more.

(Written in May/June 2006)

Inspired by Ezra Pound's "The River-Merchant's Wife: A Letter"

I Hate This

I hate that it has finally come to this.
I hate that he let it get to this.
I hate that he has known this whole time, but did nothing about it.
I hate that everyone has known, yet done nothing.
I hate that it took this for anyone to even begin to care.

I hate his lack of responsibility.
I hate his ignorance.
I hate his attitude.
I hate his "managing."
I hate his micromanaging.
I hate his jealousy.
I hate his "years of experience."
I hate his fakeness.
I hate his lies.
I hate his two-facedness.

I hate saying goodbye.
I hate not having my cubicle sharing partner.
I hated letting go of that hug.
I hate being asked "What can I do to get you to stay?" 2 months too late.
I hate knowing the potential, but not being able so see it come to fruition.
I hate leaving her behind.
I hate knowing someone is being dumped into this situation.
I hate leaving her in the dark.
I hate leaving them.

I hate leaving a creditless legacy.
I hate you for what you've done.
I hate that I have to grieve this like a death.
I hate walking away from my baby.
I hate not being able to fully convey my anger and frustration.
I hate that she had a foot out the door this whole time.
I hate how much I'm going to miss you.
I hate that this is the right decision.
I hate how much I miss them.
I hate this conflict.
I hate that I've done absolutely all I can do.

I HATE leaving this way!

I hate this.
I hate this!
I HATE this!
I HATE THIS!