"Aaron the Whole Foods Boy" by Jason Hoggan
(Inspired by Kristin Chenoweth's "Taylor the Latte Boy")
There's a boy I'll meet at Whole Foods
Who is very diet contentious
He is very diet contentious because of many things.
I come in at 7:30 (PM, of course) and head straight for the bulk whole raw cashews.
We all love our bulk whole raw cashews
They make our taste buds grow wings!
So today at 7:30 (PM, of course)
I realized this is probably where I'll meet him
This is probably where I'll meet him
But near some obscure gluten-free food
So today at 7:30 (PM, of course), when I headed straight for the bulk whole raw cashews
I took a sharp turn to the right instead
And headed toward the blessèd nut thins
And I pondered, "Are these obscure enough?"
"Probably not. They're pretty picked over and popular."
I bet his name will be Aaron,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:
Aaron the Whole Foods boy
Bring me gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, bring me joy!
Oh Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...
So I'd like to get my nerve up
And search a new GF aisle
He'll be on a new GF aisle
By an extremely obscure food
So today at 7:30, I went down another GF aisle
There I see a boy humming LeAnn Rimes with hot, sexy red hair!
As I quickly glide toward him, I chime in to his humming
It's "Something I Can Feel"! (Thank goodness not something cliché!)
So I gently tap his shoulder, and mouth the words to the song
And I knew his singing back meant that Aaron loved me too!
I said, "What's that in your hand there? And by the way, I love your red hair..."
He said, "Gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free cookies and this box right here is just for you!"
*sigh*
Aaron the Whole Foods boy
Bring me gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, bring me joy!
Oh Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...
I used to be the kind of guy
Who'd cringe when love stood in front of him.
But finally a blood test whispered, "Love can be yours
If you venture into Whole Foods for GF delights!"
Aaron the Whole Foods boy
Bring me gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, bring me joy!
Oh Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...
So many months my heart has dreamèd,
Who'd have thought that love could be so gluten-free?
Aaron the Whole Foods boy
I love him, I love him, I love him...
I love him, I love him, I love him...
"Taylor the Latte Boy" by Kristin Chenoweth (Lyrics provided below.)
There's a boy who works at Starbucks
Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.
I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!
So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.
So today at 8:11 when he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name's Kristin,"
And he softly answered, "Hey."
And I said "My name is Kristin, and thank you for the extra foam..."
And he said his name was Taylor,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him...
So I'd like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it's musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village in the basement of a bar.
And he smoothly flipped the lever to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple! (And he didn't think I knew)
But I saw him flip the lever, and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing? And thank you for the extra skin..."
He said, "Keep the $3.55," because this triple latte was on him.
*sigh*
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him...
I used to be the kind of girl
Who'd run when love rushed toward her.
But finally a voice whispered, "Love can be yours,
If you step up to the counter and order."
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him...
So many years my heart has waited,
Who'd have thought that love could be so caffeinated?
Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
Special thanks to Maren Ritter for being the reason I love this song so!