Mono Lessons (Part VI: 100-120)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

100. Bowling only works out one arm.

101. I must stay on a regular eating schedule.

102. I REALLY can hold a grudge.

103. Poor lane etiquette really pisses me off.

104. I feel more comfortable bowling in light. Yes, rather than dark.

105. The harmonica is harder to play than it looks.

106.  I’m confused by the phenomenon of “friends with benefits.”

107.  Some people and environments can become truly toxic I one’s life.

108. I might have to fight with my brother about which one of us gets to name our first son Dean.

109. I have a slight potassium deficiency.

110. Potassium deficiency is called hypokalemia. I think the “k” is in there solely for its atomic symbol.

111. Hypokalemia has many symptoms identical to those of mono.

112. I have a fairly pronounced and normal sinus arrhythmia.

113. I also have a more exciting arrhythmia that I don’t have a fun name for…yet. I just happen to get tons and tons premature beats when in its peak.

114. There is some technology that seems like it would, should, and could be so much more advanced than it is, but it isn’t.

115. Jailbait isn’t as exciting as it sounds.

116. It is possible to steal from Express.com without meaning to. Then when you try to correct the error through your local Express store, they can’t help you. Lastly, you feel okay about having accidentally stolen due to Express’ error and lack of in-store correctional skills.

117. Jealousy arrives when I learn someone was able to make out with a hot redhead.

118. December 6, 2009 – Panda fortune reads: “You will always be surrounded by true friends.” Jason then begins crying in the mall food court with his friend. ☺

119. It’s nice to have pants that fit.

120. These things I actually like and they also have potassium in them:

a. Orange juice

b. Cranberry juice

c. Kiwis

d. Mangoes (non-pinetree-tasting)

e. Papayas

f. Pears

g. Giant potassium pills that are even larger than Augmenton

h. Nectarines

i. Raisins

j. Banana splits. ☺

k. Salmon

l. Halibut

m. Cod

n. Tuna

o. Apricots

p. Strawberries

q. Broccoli

r. Cauliflower

s. Brussels sprouts. Yes, I like Brussels sprouts. Wanna take this outside?

t. Cantaloupe

u. Onions

v. Spinach

w. Baked potatoes. Unfortunately, most of the potassium is in the disgusting skin.

x. Nuts

y. Avocados…in guacamole. That’s the only way I can handle avocados.

z. And finally, bananas…listed last for so many reasons…

Puns Make Me Smile

I love funny, nerdy, punny puns. :-)

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21.. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

Mono Lessons (Part V: 83-99)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

83. Power Rangers rocked and still do and still will.

84. I’m not a twink. Only twinkish.

85. The ugly truth about gaydar.

86. How much I enjoyed researching and writing my paper on gaydar.

87. I wasn’t taught proper sex education in public school.

88. HIV/AIDS discussions now get me riled up.

89. Certain artists are more talented than I can comprehend.

90. I still adore hot redheads… It’s a curse.

91. Gender & Sexual Orientation (GNDR 5770) is the best class I’ve ever taken. Ever. I mean it. Thanks Lisa!!!

92. I really just don’t like Kenny Chesney.

93. Miranda Lambert’s voice is annoying. Especially her talking voice.

94. The exact same things stars go through in the public eye happen to our friends too.

95. There is an endless list of things I could have done differently if I would have known I had mono sooner.

96. Sometimes that endless list starts to repeat itself in my head.

97. It’s not worth listing everything I could have done differently. I only have NOW.

98. Nothing beats good customer service.

99. Unreliable cars make driving so much more stressful than it used to be…than it should be.

Mono Lessons (Part IV: 67-82)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

67. A certain somebody snores.

68. Wrap it up.

69. The beauty of self-checkout in supermarkets.

70. Just because they’re your doctor doesn’t mean they’re right.

71. I already know and should quit pretending.

72. It feels good to give advice I’ve practiced myself.

73. Sometimes friends need a good ol’ figurative slap in the face.

74. Sometimes friends need a good ol’ literal slap in the face.

75. It’s really tough to get people to open their eyes. Especially in this place.

76. I have a lot of things I want to do.

77. I have passion.

78. It’s okay to tell people you have mono; they understand.

79. No matter how many people deny it, they hear mono and figure your lips get around.

80. Some people’s lips really do get around…

81. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small world.

82. Mono + Cold – Nasal Spray + Listerine Mouthwash = Attempted Suicide

Richard Avedon's Marilyn Monroe

This posting is a bit different for me. I would like to take a blog moment to pay tribute to my favorite portrait photograph. I was first introduced to this portrait of Marilyn Monroe by Richard Avedon in my Digital Photography class Spring semester of 2008. I fell in love the moment I saw it. So in love, in fact, that I now have an almost-life-sized print of this photo beautifully framed and hanging in my house. If that doesn't emphasize my passion about this portrait, I don't know how else to convince you. ;-)

Below you will find the following: said portrait, a video clip from American Masters - Richard Avedon: Darkness and Light (1996) where Avedon recounts the moment this portrait of Marilyn was captured, a critique on the photograph by Maria Morris Hambourg and Mia Fineman from their elegant book Avedon's Endgame, and my own closing critique and remarks. Enjoy!

Marilyn Monroe, Actress, New York City, May 6, 1957 Richard Avedon (American, 1923-2004) Gelatin silver print

Marilyn Monroe, Actress, New York City, May 6, 1957 Richard Avedon (American, 1923-2004) Gelatin silver print

This is a clip from PBS American Masters, Richard Avedon: Darkness and Light, Directed by Helen Whitney, 1996. Here, Avedon himself reflects on the exact moment this glorious portrait was taken.


I really enjoyed the following critique on this portrait. Please note, these are not my comments, but those of Maria Morris Hambourg and Mia Fineman from Avedon's Endgame; I want to make sure they receive the credit for their insightful remarks:

"In Marilyn Monroe, Avedon found a virtuoso of theatrical self-impersonation and with her pursued the mysterious point of convergence between actor and character, between the private self and the public role. 'There was no such person as Marilyn Monroe,' he explained in an interview with the filmmaker Helen Whitney [clip above]. 'Marilyn Monroe was someone Marilyn Monroe invented, line an author creates a character.' Recalling a session that took place at his studio on a May evening in 1957, he continued: 'For hours she danced and sang and flirted and did this thing that's -- she did Marilyn Monroe. And then there was the inevitable drop. And when the night was over and the white wine was over and the dancing was over, she sat in the corner like a child, with everything gone. I saw her sitting quietly without expression on her face, and I walked towards her but I wouldn't photograph her without her knowledge of it. And as I came with the camera, I saw that she was not saying no.'

"The famous portrait that resulted from this session is a study of the complex nature of celebrity. Entombed in her body, Avedon's Marilyn is a secular madonna mourning some indefinable loss. The picture is imbued with a sense of inferiority that seems worlds away from the rigid mask in Andy Warhol's posthumous silk screens of Marilyn as a gaudily glamorous pop icon. While Avedon's portrait foreshadowed the tragic figure Marilyn would soon become in the popular imagination, Warhol's silk screens, made shortly after her death from a drug overdose in 1962, have the still and distant quality of memorials. Yet neither Avedon's humanist portrayal of a sad seductress nor Warhol's luric canonization of her vivacious, wet-lipped counterpart reveals the real Marily Monroe. The truth of Avedon's portrait lies in a new character, a melancholy heroine collaboratively created by the photographer and his subject."

Hambourg, Maria Morris, and Mia Fineman. Avedon's Endgame. New York City: Harry N. Abrams, Incorporated, New York, and The Metropolitan Museum of Art, 2002.

This is a picture of my framed print of this portrait. This print was originally made for sale during a special exhibition of Richard Avedon's work at The Metropolitan Museum of Art September 26, 2002 - Jan 5, 2003. After a year of searching, I finally got my hands on it!

I am still at a loss to fully explain why I am so moved by this picture. I didn't (and still don't) know a lot about Marilyn Monroe and her life, but when I was first struck by this portrait, I knew enough to let it take me away. Her facial expression and bodily posture say, "What have I been doing? What have I done? Why am I doing this? And when will it end?" We all do things we're not proud of, get lost in the moment, and have these same striking realizations where we ask ourselves those same questions.

I guess, for me, I found solace in this portrait through empathy. Marilyn Monroe, oddly enough, became someone for me to relate to. Would I have felt the same had I not known anything about the personal life of the woman in the picture? I'm not sure. But either way, her facial expression and posture would ask the same questions. I believe the same message would be conveyed, but it is even more powerful with it being conveyed through this seemingly uncharacteristic, yet stunningly beautiful portrait of Marilyn Monroe.

Mono Lessons (Part III: 51-66)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.

51. It could have been worse.

52. IKEA is one of the best ideas ever.

53. You can truly forgive without actually forgetting.

54. Some talent goes beyond my wildest dreams.

55. Gender and sexual orientation are 100x more complicated and confusing than I ever thought. And look whose talking.

56. “Gay” doesn’t quite cut it. But is there something that does?

57. You can’t get nasal spray vaccinations for the flu if you have some sort of preexisting condition.

58. It’s hard to stay “healthy enough” to have a chance to get a regular injected flu vaccine.

59. People use the most idiotic excuses to avoid taking responsibility.

60. I can actually work from home quite easily if I don’t have to call anybody.

61. The politics in that place are fucking bullshit. Oh wait, I knew that already. It was just reaffirmed…again. How redundant.

62. Kneaders has the best oatmeal raison cookies.

63. Butternut squash bisque from Paradise is amazing.

64. On ultra annoying nausea days, Chipotle is often the only thing I can fathom eating. Specifically the hard shell tacos.

65. Jessica and I have our mindless and hilarious conversations at work to help keep a satisfying level of sanity (or insanity).

66. Mono screwed with my:

a. Appetite

b. Skin

c. Scalp

d. Sinuses

e. Throat

f. Weight

g. Pants

h. Belts

i. Head

j. Judgment

k. Voice

l. Personality

m. Mood

n. Amount of sleep

o. Sleep patterns

p. Sleep schedule

q. Sleep in general, apparently

r. School schedule

s. Work schedule

t. Boy schedule

u. Friend schedule

v. Homework schedule

w. Probably my pancreas

x. Probably the sac around my heart

y. Stamina

z. Motivation

aa. Drive

bb. Heart rhythm

cc. Diet

dd. Hydration

ee. Potassium levels