18 23:55 - My ER Residency is Over, So Here's a List

December 27, 2018 Jason Hoggan

I spent the past…I don’t know how long…re-watching ER. Well, re-watching some of it while other parts were new to me. Tonight, I finished it. I’ll be brief.

I think the show still holds up today - each iteration it goes through.

I fell in love with the characters all over again.

So I’ve ranked them. And to all you ER fans out there - please fight me! I would love to debate ER characters with literally anyone. FIGHT ME.

As I now have an honorary degree in Emergency Medicine, without further ado, except the ado of some explanation of my list criteria, here it is…

I chose 7 criteria and weighted them as follows:

% of Series - How long were they on the show? Because longevity matters, but sometimes not a lot.
- Weight: 7.5%
- Max = Longest run on series is John Carter at 254 episodes.
- To get this to a scale of 0-100, each characters’ number of episodes is divided by 254 rather than the total number of episodes (331) and multiplied by 100.
  - Example: John Carter = 254/254*100=100
  - Example: Doug Ross = 109/254*100=42.91
Entrance - How memorable or vital was their introduction to the show?
- Weight: 5%
- First impressions…
- If they started the show, they get an automatic 100.
- For guest stars, I’ve doubled their entrance score to 200 due to the fact that a guest star makes you gasp when you first see them. This is the only time someone is given more than 100 on any score.
Exit - How memorable or vital (or dramatic or fiery) was their (official final) departure from the show?
- Weight: 10%
- You remember the ones that go out with a BANG!
- If they didn’t technically exit the show, meaning they stayed until the very end, they automatically receive a 100 for their perseverance.
Backstory - Do they have a compelling, believable, mostly explained, and somewhat interesting backstory?
- Weight: 10%
Depth - Do they grow as an individual? Do they impact the lives of other doctors and nurses? Do they have life outside of the hospital? Do they have compelling personal and work issues? Do they draw you in to their story, make you fall in love with them, and cry?
- Weight: 40%
Likability - Do you “like” the character? (Love to hate is complicated…Dr. Romano…)
- Weight: 20%
Believability / Actor Execution - Was the character well-played by the actor and generally believable?
- Weight: 7.5%

And now, with no context or explanation as to why I’ve given them the scores I did, here it is:

  
    #
    Character
    Actor
    % of Series
    Entrance
    Exit
    Backstory
    Depth
    Likability
    Believability/Actor Execution
    Weighted Score
  

    1
    Abby Lockhart
    Maura Tierney
    74.41
    100
    100
    100
    100
    100
    100
    98.08
  

    2
    Maggie Wyczenski
    Sally Field
    4.72
    200
    100
    100
    100
    100
    100
    97.85
  

    3
    Mark Greene
    Anthony Edwards
    71.65
    100
    100
    90
    100
    100
    100
    96.87
  

    4
    John Carter
    Noah Wyle
    100.00
    100
    75
    90
    100
    90
    100
    94.50
  

    5
    Greg Pratt
    Mekhi Phifer
    53.54
    90
    100
    90
    100
    85
    100
    92.02
  

    6
    Neela Rasgotra
    Parminder Nagra
    50.79
    85
    100
    100
    90
    100
    100
    91.56
  

    7
    Carol Hathaway
    Julianna Margulies
    53.54
    100
    100
    90
    90
    100
    100
    91.52
  

    8
    Jeanie Boulet
    Gloria Reuben
    40.55
    80
    100
    100
    80
    100
    100
    86.54
  

    9
    Elizabeth Corday
    Alex Kingston
    62.99
    100
    100
    55
    80
    100
    100
    84.72
  

    10
    Dr. Gabriel Lawrence
    Alan Alda
    1.97
    200
    100
    100
    70
    90
    100
    83.65
  

    11
    Kerry Weaver
    Laura Innes
    98.43
    100
    60
    90
    80
    80
    90
    82.13
  

    12
    Luka Kovač
    Goran Visnjic
    72.83
    75
    90
    90
    80
    80
    85
    81.59
  

    13
    Lucy Knight
    Kellie Martin
    14.57
    100
    100
    50
    80
    100
    100
    80.59
  

    14
    Catherine Banfield
    Angela Bassett
    8.27
    75
    100
    100
    80
    75
    100
    78.87
  

    15
    Paul Nathan
    Don Cheadle
    1.57
    200
    100
    100
    70
    70
    90
    78.87
  

    16
    Michael Gallant
    Sharif Atkins
    24.02
    100
    100
    95
    70
    80
    80
    76.30
  

    17
    Sam Taggart
    Linda Cardellini
    49.61
    100
    100
    90
    70
    70
    75
    75.35
  

    18
    Tony Gates
    John Stamos
    25.59
    100
    100
    90
    60
    70
    80
    69.92
  

    19
    Doug Ross
    George Clooney
    42.91
    100
    80
    80
    50
    80
    90
    66.97
  

    20
    Dr. Andrew Wade
    Julian Morris
    2.76
    80
    100
    10
    50
    90
    90
    59.96
  

    21
    Susan Lewis
    Sherry Stringfield
    55.91
    100
    0
    80
    60
    75
    50
    59.94
  

    22
    Peter Benton
    Eriq La Salle
    68.11
    100
    50
    80
    70
    10
    90
    59.86
  

    23
    Dr. Victor Clemente
    John Leguizamo
    4.72
    200
    100
    100
    40
    30
    80
    58.35
  

    24
    Frank Martin
    Troy Evans
    50.79
    100
    100
    40
    20
    100
    100
    58.31
  

    25
    Alex Taggart
    Oliver Davis / Dominic Janes
    16.93
    50
    100
    50
    50
    70
    70
    58.02
  

    26
    Eve Peyton
    Kristen Johnston
    2.36
    200
    100
    100
    30
    50
    70
    57.43
  

    27
    Ray Barnett
    Shane West
    27.56
    50
    100
    50
    30
    90
    80
    55.57
  

    28
    Jerry Markovic
    Abraham Benrubi
    53.94
    100
    100
    30
    20
    100
    70
    55.30
  

    29
    Charlie 'Chaz' Pratt, Jr.
    Sam Jones III
    6.30
    100
    100
    70
    40
    60
    60
    54.97
  

    30
    Haleh Adams
    Yvette Freeman
    72.44
    100
    100
    10
    15
    100
    100
    54.93
  

    31
    Archie Morris
    Scott Grimes
    44.09
    100
    100
    25
    50
    50
    50
    54.56
  

    32
    Chuny Marquez
    Laura Cerón
    86.22
    100
    100
    10
    10
    100
    100
    53.97
  

    33
    Lydia Wright
    Ellen Crawford
    44.49
    100
    100
    15
    15
    100
    100
    53.34
  

    34
    Simon Brenner
    David Lyons
    10.63
    50
    100
    100
    40
    40
    60
    51.80
  

    35
    Dr. Kevin Moretti
    Stanley Tucci
    3.94
    200
    50
    40
    40
    50
    70
    50.55
  

    36
    Makemba "Kem" Likasu-Carter
    Thandie Newton
    5.51
    20
    10
    50
    50
    80
    80
    49.41
  

    37
    Dr. David Morgenstern
    William H. Macy
    12.20
    100
    100
    50
    30
    50
    80
    48.92
  

    38
    Lily Jarvik
    Lily Mariye
    50.00
    100
    100
    0
    5
    100
    100
    48.25
  

    39
    Conni Oligario
    Conni Marie Brazelton
    44.49
    100
    100
    0
    5
    100
    80
    46.34
  

    40
    Hope Bobeck
    Busy Philipps
    5.51
    100
    100
    50
    10
    100
    25
    46.29
  

    41
    Rachel Greene
    Yvonne Zima / Hallee Hirsh
    14.17
    100
    100
    20
    20
    70
    80
    46.06
  

    42
    Dr. Janet Coburn
    Amy Aquino
    10.24
    90
    100
    40
    25
    50
    75
    44.89
  

    43
    Dr. Paul Grady
    Gil McKinney
    9.06
    30
    100
    10
    20
    90
    75
    44.80
  

    44
    Dr. Lucien Dubenko
    Leland Orser
    24.02
    50
    100
    20
    30
    50
    70
    43.55
  

    45
    Malik McGrath
    Deezer D
    74.80
    100
    100
    0
    0
    100
    30
    42.86
  

    46
    Al Boulet
    Michael Beach / Wolfgang Bodison
    7.87
    40
    80
    20
    50
    20
    80
    42.59
  

    47
    Robert Romano
    Paul McCrane
    49.61
    100
    100
    20
    30
    10
    100
    42.22
  

    48
    Dr. Harold Zelinsky
    Steven Christopher Parker
    4.33
    100
    20
    10
    25
    80
    100
    41.82
  

    49
    Dr. Donald Anspaugh
    John Aylward
    29.13
    100
    100
    20
    10
    60
    80
    41.19
  

    50
    Miranda "Randi" Fronczak
    Kristin Minter
    27.95
    100
    50
    10
    5
    100
    80
    41.10
  

    51
    Eric Wyczenski
    Tom Everett Scott
    3.15
    50
    0
    40
    60
    20
    65
    39.61
  

    52
    Sarah Riley
    Chloe Greenfield
    9.45
    20
    100
    80
    20
    30
    50
    37.46
  

    53
    Steve Curtis
    Garret Dillahunt / Cole Hauser
    3.54
    30
    70
    30
    40
    10
    100
    37.27
  

    54
    Chloe Lewis
    Kathleen Wilhoite
    7.48
    100
    100
    80
    10
    30
    40
    36.56
  

    55
    Carla Reece
    Lisa Nicole Carson
    11.42
    30
    0
    40
    50
    30
    50
    36.11
  

    56
    Yoshi Takata
    Gedde Watanabe
    22.83
    100
    0
    5
    5
    100
    70
    34.46
  

    57
    Dr. Jane Figler
    Sara Gilbert
    5.91
    100
    30
    0
    10
    80
    80
    34.44
  

    58
    Cleo Finch
    Michael Michele
    21.65
    30
    0
    10
    50
    30
    50
    33.87
  

    59
    Dr. Dustin Crenshaw
    J. P. Manoux
    9.45
    75
    100
    0
    15
    10
    90
    29.21
  

    60
    Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen
    Ming-Na
    46.46
    20
    20
    15
    30
    20
    40
    26.98
  

    61
    Dave Malucci
    Erik Palladino
    18.50
    20
    10
    0
    10
    75
    50
    26.14
  

    62
    Cynthia Hooper
    Mariska Hargitay
    5.12
    80
    0
    80
    10
    20
    40
    23.38
  

    63
    Anna Del Amico
    Maria Bello
    9.84
    20
    0
    0
    20
    50
    30
    21.99
  

    64
    Dr. Maggie Doyle
    Jorja Fox
    12.99
    20
    0
    0
    15
    40
    25
    17.85
  

    65
    Dr. Skye Wexler
    Kari Matchett
    1.97
    100
    0
    10
    0
    10
    20
    9.65
  

#	Character	Actor	% of Series	Entrance	Exit	Backstory	Depth	Likability	Believability/Actor Execution	Weighted Score
1	Abby Lockhart	Maura Tierney	74.41	100	100	100	100	100	100	98.08
2	Maggie Wyczenski	Sally Field	4.72	200	100	100	100	100	100	97.85
3	Mark Greene	Anthony Edwards	71.65	100	100	90	100	100	100	96.87
4	John Carter	Noah Wyle	100.00	100	75	90	100	90	100	94.50
5	Greg Pratt	Mekhi Phifer	53.54	90	100	90	100	85	100	92.02
6	Neela Rasgotra	Parminder Nagra	50.79	85	100	100	90	100	100	91.56
7	Carol Hathaway	Julianna Margulies	53.54	100	100	90	90	100	100	91.52
8	Jeanie Boulet	Gloria Reuben	40.55	80	100	100	80	100	100	86.54
9	Elizabeth Corday	Alex Kingston	62.99	100	100	55	80	100	100	84.72
10	Dr. Gabriel Lawrence	Alan Alda	1.97	200	100	100	70	90	100	83.65
11	Kerry Weaver	Laura Innes	98.43	100	60	90	80	80	90	82.13
12	Luka Kovač	Goran Visnjic	72.83	75	90	90	80	80	85	81.59
13	Lucy Knight	Kellie Martin	14.57	100	100	50	80	100	100	80.59
14	Catherine Banfield	Angela Bassett	8.27	75	100	100	80	75	100	78.87
15	Paul Nathan	Don Cheadle	1.57	200	100	100	70	70	90	78.87
16	Michael Gallant	Sharif Atkins	24.02	100	100	95	70	80	80	76.30
17	Sam Taggart	Linda Cardellini	49.61	100	100	90	70	70	75	75.35
18	Tony Gates	John Stamos	25.59	100	100	90	60	70	80	69.92
19	Doug Ross	George Clooney	42.91	100	80	80	50	80	90	66.97
20	Dr. Andrew Wade	Julian Morris	2.76	80	100	10	50	90	90	59.96
21	Susan Lewis	Sherry Stringfield	55.91	100	0	80	60	75	50	59.94
22	Peter Benton	Eriq La Salle	68.11	100	50	80	70	10	90	59.86
23	Dr. Victor Clemente	John Leguizamo	4.72	200	100	100	40	30	80	58.35
24	Frank Martin	Troy Evans	50.79	100	100	40	20	100	100	58.31
25	Alex Taggart	Oliver Davis / Dominic Janes	16.93	50	100	50	50	70	70	58.02
26	Eve Peyton	Kristen Johnston	2.36	200	100	100	30	50	70	57.43
27	Ray Barnett	Shane West	27.56	50	100	50	30	90	80	55.57
28	Jerry Markovic	Abraham Benrubi	53.94	100	100	30	20	100	70	55.30
29	Charlie 'Chaz' Pratt, Jr.	Sam Jones III	6.30	100	100	70	40	60	60	54.97
30	Haleh Adams	Yvette Freeman	72.44	100	100	10	15	100	100	54.93
31	Archie Morris	Scott Grimes	44.09	100	100	25	50	50	50	54.56
32	Chuny Marquez	Laura Cerón	86.22	100	100	10	10	100	100	53.97
33	Lydia Wright	Ellen Crawford	44.49	100	100	15	15	100	100	53.34
34	Simon Brenner	David Lyons	10.63	50	100	100	40	40	60	51.80
35	Dr. Kevin Moretti	Stanley Tucci	3.94	200	50	40	40	50	70	50.55
36	Makemba "Kem" Likasu-Carter	Thandie Newton	5.51	20	10	50	50	80	80	49.41
37	Dr. David Morgenstern	William H. Macy	12.20	100	100	50	30	50	80	48.92
38	Lily Jarvik	Lily Mariye	50.00	100	100	0	5	100	100	48.25
39	Conni Oligario	Conni Marie Brazelton	44.49	100	100	0	5	100	80	46.34
40	Hope Bobeck	Busy Philipps	5.51	100	100	50	10	100	25	46.29
41	Rachel Greene	Yvonne Zima / Hallee Hirsh	14.17	100	100	20	20	70	80	46.06
42	Dr. Janet Coburn	Amy Aquino	10.24	90	100	40	25	50	75	44.89
43	Dr. Paul Grady	Gil McKinney	9.06	30	100	10	20	90	75	44.80
44	Dr. Lucien Dubenko	Leland Orser	24.02	50	100	20	30	50	70	43.55
45	Malik McGrath	Deezer D	74.80	100	100	0	0	100	30	42.86
46	Al Boulet	Michael Beach / Wolfgang Bodison	7.87	40	80	20	50	20	80	42.59
47	Robert Romano	Paul McCrane	49.61	100	100	20	30	10	100	42.22
48	Dr. Harold Zelinsky	Steven Christopher Parker	4.33	100	20	10	25	80	100	41.82
49	Dr. Donald Anspaugh	John Aylward	29.13	100	100	20	10	60	80	41.19
50	Miranda "Randi" Fronczak	Kristin Minter	27.95	100	50	10	5	100	80	41.10
51	Eric Wyczenski	Tom Everett Scott	3.15	50	0	40	60	20	65	39.61
52	Sarah Riley	Chloe Greenfield	9.45	20	100	80	20	30	50	37.46
53	Steve Curtis	Garret Dillahunt / Cole Hauser	3.54	30	70	30	40	10	100	37.27
54	Chloe Lewis	Kathleen Wilhoite	7.48	100	100	80	10	30	40	36.56
55	Carla Reece	Lisa Nicole Carson	11.42	30	0	40	50	30	50	36.11
56	Yoshi Takata	Gedde Watanabe	22.83	100	0	5	5	100	70	34.46
57	Dr. Jane Figler	Sara Gilbert	5.91	100	30	0	10	80	80	34.44
58	Cleo Finch	Michael Michele	21.65	30	0	10	50	30	50	33.87
59	Dr. Dustin Crenshaw	J. P. Manoux	9.45	75	100	0	15	10	90	29.21
60	Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen	Ming-Na	46.46	20	20	15	30	20	40	26.98
61	Dave Malucci	Erik Palladino	18.50	20	10	0	10	75	50	26.14
62	Cynthia Hooper	Mariska Hargitay	5.12	80	0	80	10	20	40	23.38
63	Anna Del Amico	Maria Bello	9.84	20	0	0	20	50	30	21.99
64	Dr. Maggie Doyle	Jorja Fox	12.99	20	0	0	15	40	25	17.85
65	Dr. Skye Wexler	Kari Matchett	1.97	100	0	10	0	10	20	9.65

Fight me.

Unconditional: Love, Abuse, and Survivor's Guilt

September 20, 2017 Jason Hoggan

I have a message. I have a story I need to share. I need to share it with families and parents. I need to share it with the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with the families and parents of those part of the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with Mormons, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, and Agnostics. I need to share it with my friends and family. I need to share it with my known and unknown enemies. I need to share it with conservatives, liberals, moderates, and the unaffiliated.

I have great parents. I want to state this fact early on so we can set it aside as we move through this together. I have great parents who have never abused me nor disowned me because of my sexual orientation. I have great parents who love me, not despite being gay. They just love me unconditionally. I have great parents, got it? Now let's set this aside.

Because I have great parents, I've been told by many gay people that I should feel so lucky, I should be so grateful, and I should act so thankful. I do feel lucky, I am grateful, and I am thankful. But you know what?

The families and parents of the men who have so passionately told me those things have hurt me.
And I have survivor's guilt.

This is my story - it's the story of a gay man growing up in a Mormon family who wasn't abused or disowned by his parents or family, but who has been in relationships with men who have been treated horribly by those who are supposed to be the most loving, and feels guilty about it. I have not been abused and I do not intend to discount the experience of anyone who has been. What I am doing is explaining how I relate to abuse through my own experience and trying my best to stop it from happening to just one person, just one family.

Abuse affects more than the person being abused and exists for longer than the finite amount of time the abuse may happen. Abuse infects the abused. It festers and grows inside of them. It influences every conversation, every relationship they have, forever. It fills them with self-hatred, doubts of ever being "good enough", and worry that abuse will happen again.

I have loved three men who were and are abused and/or disowned by their parents and families. Their abusive parents and families are at the heart of why each relationship ended. The abuse infected each relationship and ultimately killed it. It was a pre-existing condition in each relationship and I haven't been able to realize that until now.

The First Time

This all started when I discovered my new friend, who later became my boyfriend, was in the ER after being physically beaten by a family member because he is gay. I went home and sobbed to my parents about what happened. I felt powerless. He begged me to not call the police, so I didn't. I still regret it.

Anger by Can Balcı on flickr — *Anger* by Can Balcı on flickr

Later on, when this budded into a romantic relationship, the infection of abuse began to show itself through my partner's jealousy and extreme distrust. I will never admit I was or am the perfect boyfriend. I know there are things I could have done differently to quell some of this, but because distrust was literally beaten into him by someone who was supposed to love him, there was no chance of me "fixing" him. The infection was so beyond me and beyond our relationship that it was impossible to reassemble. It destroyed us in a fury of anger.

The Second Time

Alcoholic by Monica Dranger on flickr — *Alcoholic* by Monica Dranger on flickr

This new friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we first met. He wouldn't or couldn't leave. Instead, he would run away with me every so often and I would learn about his current relationship and his abusive family. I fell for him, and him for me. We eventually dated after years of courting. This time, the emotional and physical abuse he endured as a young man showed itself through alcohol and anger. He would drink and I would get yelled at. I would yell back. Two years later, he was drinking before going into work each morning and I realized my partner was an alcoholic that got extremely angry when drunk. This relationship had a violently chaotic ending where both his and my parents got involved. I look back at him calling his abusive father to come and "help" him as supremely twisted. My heart was shattered and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive losing him.

The Third Time

Removing a broken heart by james allen on flickr — *Removing a broken heart* by james allen on flickr

This new friend and I clicked so quickly that I didn't bat an eye when he said his relationships with his family were doing okay and were, in general, "not a big deal." Weeks and months went by, becoming closer and closer. I began feeling that all-too-familiar love for him. I happened to tell him about that love the week his "not a big deal" family began to actively and harshly insult, disown, and gossip about him. Saying the word "love" to him was either the best or worst idea I've ever had. Soon after, he came to me saying he couldn't do a romantic relationship with me right now because his heart is too broken over his family. He said he couldn't be his best self with me. He said he needed a friend. Wading through grief, I came out the other side agreeing. This relationship didn't end in an explosion like the other two. But he knows there's still time for that later. ;-)

"I Love You"

These men were all abused by someone who said "I love you." The distrust that grew and festered in them turned into an infectious beast that prevented them from trusting me when I said "I love you" to them. In fact, they were hurt by people in the name of love, by people who love(d) them so much, they were willing to become the villain to save their gay son, brother, uncle, or nephew's soul. This kind of love makes "love" the most confusing word on earth. So please don't tell me about my great parents that I know I have. Talk to me about my first boyfriend being beaten, my second turning to angry alcohol, and the third breaking my heart because of his own broken heart. My heart broke all three times. I'm not unscathed. The families of these men hurt me. Like I said before, I'm not eclipsing their pain, but showing you I have some too.

I am not sitting high nor am I sitting mighty. I actually feel shunned by my own gay community because I have this pain inside me that I'm told I'm not allowed to voice or feel because I'm so lucky. My gay community easily reflects, and even focuses, their familial and outward pain back inward to other gay people. The distortion of love is ruining the futures of so many wonderful people, but we only realize that when we decide we can't take it any more and need something to change. "How's that workin' out for ya?" "Not so great."

Feeling the LOVE by Craig Allen on flickr — *Feeling the LOVE* by Craig Allen on flickr

I shouldn't have to live part of my life fearing that the word "love" will trigger PTSD in a partner. It's not fair to either of us. It makes me so upset that this happens and that I have no control over it. I like to have control as much as anyone, and I also acknowledge that I only have control over myself - my actions, my words, and my self - but willingly relinquishing control of a situation is immensely difficult when feelings and words like love are in play. Because these men became so frightened of love, I haven't been able to fully express my love. It's like trying to describe experiencing a total solar eclipse - words only do about 20% of the job. When I have to stifle how I express my love, it is distressing and supremely frustrating. I've even been told by one of these men to not change how I expressed my love for them. But I'm not sure they totally understand how impossible that is. If I'm in love with someone, I'm going to do and say things with them that I don't say or do with a typical friend. It feels stifled. And I want to blame someone. I can't blame him. I can't blame me. I can try as hard as I want to blame his family. Sometimes that makes me feel better. But it usually doesn't. I can't control his family and I can't control him, so "blame" falls back on the only thing I have control over - me. But I don't want blame. Blame is negative. Responsibility? Maybe, but that sounds so sterile and too mature. Love isn't mature. It's not on the maturity spectrum.

God Is Unconditional Love

We use so many different words to describe a singular idea: love. God, Higher Power, Divine, Christ, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Yahweh, Jehovah, Lord, Maker, Light, Earth, Sun, Sky, Gaia, Spirit, Father, Mother, and the hundreds more I've missed. The word you use is deeply personal and powerful to you. The thing that transcends all religion, creed, race, and location and is a single thread of commonality woven into each of these words: love. God is not just love. God is unconditional love. God does not "love the sinner, not the sin." That is conditional love and not of God.

If you're part of a family hoping their gay son will get scared away from a man who loves them and come back to you, admitting defeat, wanting your acceptance again, and hoping they want to be welcomed back into the church...think about the damage you've done to their brain. Why would you wish heartache on someone? Why would you wish pain? Why would you wish lost love? It's not about whether you "agree" with their "choice" (because being gay isn't a choice), it's about being a parent and having unconditional and "god-like" love for your child. Having unconditional love despite their gayness is conditional love. Unconditional love isn't "love the sinner, not the sin." In fact, unconditional love doesn't place the judgement of sin on anyone, ever.

Unconditional love:

doesn't attach strings
doesn't pose judgement
doesn't sling malice
doesn't harbor resentment
doesn't entertain anger
doesn't house hatred
doesn't possess fear
doesn't hold animosity
doesn't fling insult
doesn't abuse
and doesn't disown

I don't know if this will ever happen, but if the parents or family members of any of the men I briefly talked about above ever read this, I hope you've been able to put your pride aside and see not only the awful things you've done to your son and your family, but the pain you've caused the people that love/d him. There are reparations to be made beyond your son and far beyond me.

Forgiveness

Do you deserve forgiveness? Probably not. What you have done is truly the worst thing you could do to another soul: tell them you love them and intentionally hurt them in the name of said love. It is despicable, reprehensible, disgusting, offensive, vile, wicked, and just plain bad. And the thing is, the forgiveness I've seen asked for by families who have behaved in such a way isn't pure.

The forgiveness asked for comes across as 1) Ignoring: "Let's both agree to just ignore what happened. I'll ignore you're gay and you ignore I beat/hurt/disowned you, okay?", 2) Victim Blaming: "You know, if you would have just toned it down a little bit, none of this would have happened. If you wouldn't have advertised your sexual orientation, this wouldn't have happened.", and/or 3) Pity Party: "I had such a hard childhood/adolescence/time that I didn't know how to react. If my life wasn't so hard, I would have been better - woe is me, I have it so much worse off than you (the person I hurt)."

Would you forgive anyone who came to you with any of those attitudes? Neither would I. Sincerely asking for forgiveness is one of the most vulnerable states you could ever put yourself in. You'll have an idea you're doing it right when it's no longer about you and it's all about the person you've wronged. You're doing it right if you listen and understand why what you've done is so terrible. And you're doing it right if you not only say you won't ever do anything like it again, but you actually don't.

I Have Survivor's Guilt

Why did I survive and they didn't?

Why did I get great parents and they didn't?
Why did I get a great extended family and they didn't?
Why did I receive unconditional love and they didn't?
Why did I bypass abuse and they didn't?
Why did I leave the church so drama-free when they didn't?
Why did I escape suicide and they didn't?

I should feel so lucky.
I should be so grateful.
I should act so thankful.

I do all of those. But I feel guilt.

If there is one thing you leave with after reading this, I hope it's the realization that, when it comes to people's problems and comparing them to your own: If it's not one thing, it's another. We all have our own unique set of life experiences leading us to handle situations differently and feel situations differently. I know when the day comes that I'm rich that I will certainly solve my "poor" problems, but I'll be trading them in for other problems I can't even understand yet.

Even though I have great parents and don't have the abusive baggage so many in my community have, it doesn't mean I don't have my own issues and my own issues related to that same abuse, though not directly aimed at me. So, I'm going to own that I'm a Survivor. I'm going to own having Survivor's Guilt. I'm going to own the pain from those conditionally loving families. I'm going to own having great parents.

Indigo Eiffel Tower

August 27, 2017 Jason Hoggan

I am the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.

Paris is the heart of Europe when I'm talking about Europe. I've had the pleasure of visiting that city twice. I only learned years later that when I visited the first time, I left part of my heart there. My first trip to Europe was the first time I began to accept my sexual orientation as part of myself. I realized that, when I returned home, I needed to end things with my girlfriend because things could not continue the way they were going. I knew I was gay and I had to face that fact.

I grew up Mormon and was still actively Mormon at the time. I soon resolved to come out as gay, but remain single and celibate and active in the LDS faith. In short, that didn't work out for me very well and I have since left the church. But know, leaving the church doesn't immediately heal the wounds it inflicted. It also doesn't destroy the aspects that I decided were pure and wanted to incorporate into my soul.

The Prop 8 battle was tough. You can read an older blog from me about that if you want to see more of my reaction. The post is titled BLAST FROM THE PAST: PROP 8, MORMONS, FOUNDERS, VOTING, AGENCY, REVELATION, AND SOME BETRAYAL...SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD READ! You might also be interested in IGNORANT REMARKS, INSENSITIVE TIMING - THEIR INJURIOUS CONSEQUENCES AND THE IMPENDING PARADIGM SHIFT. For now, let's just call that a major blow. The thing that almost did me in was the "leaked" policy in November 2015. You can read more about that HERE from the The Salt Lake Tribune. To summarize, gay people are to be considered apostates, children of gay parents are not allowed to join the church until they become adults, and upon joining, they must renounce their parents' relationship.

It's not like I was surprised by what the statement and what was said, but I was taken aback that they actually said it. I spent most of my time avoiding talking about the topic with anyone, including my own family.

About a week later, Paris experienced a terrorist attack. It was Friday, November 13, 2015 - I will never forget. I happened to take the day off of work and spent the entire day watching the news and crying.

My left arm also began to hurt that day. I blamed it, at the time, on a medical procedure I had done that included an IV. The thing is, the pain in my forearm continued to get worse and worse each day. I spoke to two naturopathic doctors and saw my massage therapist / energy worker one day and it all finally clicked: Paris was where I first began to accept myself and that magnitude of a revelation left an impression on my heart and my heart left an impression on Paris. Years later, to have the church attack my being once again and re-open those wounds and then have a physical attack on the city that holds my heart was too much for my soul to bear. My arm swelled up to protect me from the influx of painful energy I was absorbing from my gay community, my ex-Mormon community, and Paris.

Within two days of discovering this connection, the swelling and pain had decreased by 80%. I knew I could no longer ignore intense and uncomfortable feelings because my body would rebel if I didn't take in the energy and process it. Of course, some of this is now known with hindsight. Since then, I've discovered I'm empathic and it makes even more sense why these simultaneously unfolding events had such a profound effect on my physical, spiritual, mental, and energetic bodies. My left arm is my primary "receiving" arm - I receive information and energy through that arm. I believe my arm was trying to protect my Heart Chakra from impacting with that energy because it truly believed it would break my heart. Once my arm let it go, it did break my heart, but it had to be broken. It had to break again so I could process this heartache from the new perspective I now had on how the LDS church had impacted me then and how I was going to let it impact me from now on. The symbolism of the whole experience is still striking to me - literally witnessing an attack on Paris was like watching my heart be shattered again by this organization I used to find purpose within.

The Eiffel Tower stands out tall and modern from its city of old, classic, and conservative architecture.

The Eiffel Tower breaks tradition and the way things were.

The Eiffel Tower was widely regarded as an eyesore for decades after being completed.

The Eiffel Tower is now a landmark, a monument.

The Eiffel Tower doesn't advertise. You know where it is. And even if you don't know the exact location in Paris, once you're there, you'll find it by sheer will or by looking at the skyline. And if you miss it in daylight, it will shimmer as a beacon at night.

I believe I stand out tall and modern from the culture in which I was raised. I believe I shine a light on "the way things were" and ask you to re-think. I believe I'm getting better and better each day at being my authentic self and not caring what people think of me. I believe I stand out. And I believe I can be found by anyone at any time when you need me. My name is Jason. In Greek, my name means healer. I am a healer. I am an empath. When I can help heal you (or you, me), you will find me.

I got a tattoo on my left forearm to remind me of this experience and to remind me to let myself feel everything with my heart, no matter how painful I might think it is. It is better to feel it and process it than let it build up and coagulate into a painful, swollen mess.

My tattoo is four main things: 1. Tribal in style - I've always liked the look of tribal tattoos. 2. The shape of a Pisces symbol. I'm 100% Pisces and I love it. 3. Vaguely, a capital H for my last name. I just so happens that the Pisces symbol also looks like an H. 4. The Eiffel Tower.

One last thing. In the title I mention the color Indigo. This color has become my personal protector. The story is deeply private, so I'm going to keep most of it to myself. But, what I will say is that Indigo regulates the energy that enters me. It protects me. And the image of the Eiffel Tower in an Indigo light stays in my mind and represents me in my self-narraritive.

I am the Eiffel Tower.

by Peter Talke PhotographySource HERE — by Peter Talke Photography
Source HERE

Calibration Catalyst

August 25, 2017 Jason Hoggan

Like a taut bundle of wire through my being,
my soul,
the alignment centers...grounds...elevates.
From my niche in the center of Earth,
my cord soars to the heart
of beautifully obstructive satellite.
Veiling Light, Moon accelerates unnoticed life.
My pillar perforates until it again finds Light,
flows toward the nucleus of Sun
and beyond - to the center of center.
Beginning connects present connects end.
Masculine is feminine
and feminine is masculine.
Ancient DNA frightened and enlightened.
Coronal fringes wisp and flutter,
midday twilight and encircling sunset
the only reminders.
Time stops -- no -- time disappears as Sun.
Time doesn't exist.
Time is still -
until the diamond explodes with delightful disappointment
and propulsion to blinding so-called reality.
The infinite two minutes and twenty two seconds again finite.
Energetic bundle still taut but vibrating with higher frequency.
Hastening healing,
Expediting enlightenment,
Intensifying intuition,
Accelerating awareness,
Enhancing empathy,
Flying fearlessly forward.

NASA: 2017 Eclipse: Earth, Moon and Sun — NASA: 2017 Eclipse: Earth, Moon and Sun

Eclipsèd

August 22, 2017 Jason Hoggan

No matter the number of articles you read, podcasts you listen to, blogs you scroll through, you will be very bothered by the question "How was the eclipse?" after having the opportunity to experience a total solar eclipse. It's not that any of those people were lying about the experience -- quite the contrary -- it's that words aren't the best medium for portraying the experience in the first place. Words simply do not seem to carry the momentous weight of the phenomenon.

On August 21, 2017, I was lucky enough to experience "The Great American Eclipse" at totality with one of my very best friends, Katie, north of Boise, ID. Specifically, north of Ola, ID. Even more specifically, at N 44°16'25.032" W 116°19'08.808". Here's a view from above:

The location was surprisingly tranquil with a small group of grazing horses at the bottom of the valley and the Squaw Creek flowing. There were three other groups of Eclipse watchers near by, but we were all out of hearing distance of each other. We chose to have a "separate" viewing experience, but it still felt like we were part of the huge group of people watching.

At about 10:15, we put on our Eclipse glasses and saw the first bits of the Sun being eaten away by the Moon. As it slowly drifted further over the Sun, we talked about going into this next chapter of our lives without fear and with joy. We talked about the new chapter this will open for the country - the new, higher level of vibration that the consciousness of the human race will start to accelerate toward and the significance of this this ushering Eclipse happening over the United States. We could use a higher plane right now. We talked about jobs, relationships, romance, politics, family, "shit families," physics, astronomy, astrology, metaphysics, empathic abilities, and the Divine.

When about 80% of the Sun was Eclipsèd, I felt the temperature drop and the canyon winds become cooler. At 90% Eclipsèd, it had dropped by 10°F. We said, "This is what Salt Lake will be seeing in about eight minutes! Wow!" At the same time, we heard an airplane, but couldn't find it in the sky. It must have been on the other side of the small mountain peak in front of us. It echoed and roared through the small valley. It sounded like the shadow of the moon was accelerating toward us so quickly and stirring up the atmosphere in such a way that it made an actual noise. But I'm pretty sure it was an airplane...

At 90% totality, the light around looks strange. Almost like it's overcast, but the sky is clear and light isn't being diffused through clouds. It's simply dimmer.

The picture above doesn't capture the lighting change in a specific way, but if you compare it to the panorama above, you'll notice the camera compensated for the lighting change by making this photo a bit warmer.

95% appraoches and it gets colder and more eerie. 97%...98%... The temperate has plummeted nearly 20°F. I turned around to take a picture of the incredibly blue sky behind me. Again, the camera compensated for the change in light, but the strikingly blue sky lets you know it was looking remarkably close to twilight.

As totality approaches, I feel my ancient DNA perk up and strike me with a dash of fear and terror - old memories of the ancients who didn't know what was happening to their Sun in these moments.

99% and the crescent Sun is now a slightly curved line, then a line, then a dot. I take my glasses off and squint to my left waiting for the diamond of the last bit of Sunlight. It bursts. I relax my eyes. I look up. I gasp. Katie was a few seconds late to the party, but she got there, haha!

I try to take a couple of pictures. These are the best I could get: a portion of the 360° sunset and the Eclipse itself - there's actually a little black dot in the center of that white light!

Eclipse. I know it's an awful picture, but it's the best I've got. The memory is crystal clear.

Next to the Sun/Moon, you could see Mercury and further along in the solar path you could see Venus - neither of which you ever get to see in the middle of the day. The Corona. How does anybody describe seeing the Sun's Corona?

Time stopped when it hit. Looking back, it feels like it lasted forever and one second simultaneously.

I keep telling everyone I can't quite find the words to describe the experience, so I'm going to list as many as I can. Are you ready?

other-worldly, frightening, awe-inspiring, weird breath-taking, transcendent, beautiful, enchanting, peaceful, joyful, blinding, backwards, inverse, important, weird, dim, bizarre, chilly, amazing, alien, rapturous, overwhelming, adrenaline-filled, weird, dusty (but that was just because of the dirt road), serene, stunning, spiritual, grounding, too fast, too short infinite, enveloping, shadowed, incredible, weird, natural gasp-worthy, Divine, unforgettable, electrifying, emotional, "worth the drive...totally worth the drive",

Also, weird.

See? Words don't really cut it.

The spiritual gravity of this will continue to strike me and sink in over the coming days...weeks...and longer, I am sure. And you'll surely hear more from me about it.

Heart(break)

August 15, 2017 Jason Hoggan

It's amazing to me how much of a beating the heart can take. How much it will claw and grasp and squeeze to stop from falling off the edge and tumbling down to shatter into a million pieces. Only to then start putting itself back together, one piece at a time. Most of them in the right place.

My heart has broken a lot over the past couple of years. Yet somehow, it doesn't harden. After it repairs, it lets someone else back in. It takes a risk and lays it all on the line again, only to be denied, slapped out of my outstretched hand, and tumbles to the floor to shatter again.

Being an empath is incredibly painful. I feel other people's pain, yes, but good god, I feel my own pain like a scalding branding iron on my soul. It leaves a scar to remind me each and every time. I'm only 28. I've lost track of the scars...I don't even know how many there are any more, but they remind me of their existence when I need to be reminded.

So. I am single again. I am so tired of mingling. In pain and heartbreak like this, I always think of the lyric "I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this." You know why? Because there isn't another one like this. There isn't another person just like that heartbreaker. Each soul is different. There will never be another one like this. That loss deserves ample grief.

Spare me the "he doesn't know what he's missing", "there's plenty of fish...", "he'll regret giving you up", "you're a catch, you'll find someone soon." I don't give a fuck. He DOES know what he's missing. We both know how big the ocean is AND how unique each other is. He probably will have some regret, but that sure as hell doesn't make me feel better. I have my own regrets, too. I'll find someone soon...sure. Sure I will. But I want him.

I have something I need to admit to the world. I MAY or MAY NOT be polyamorous. I don't fucking know. With some people I feel more monogamous than with other people. I'm figuring that out on a case-by-case basis now. This flip-flop was hurtful to someone I love and I need him to know how incredibly sorry I am for causing that pain. Please, please forgive me. I am so sorry.

I've learned a new word: demisexual. I don't really like the word, but I've read some insightful interpretations that resonate with me. I'm not "half" sexual like the word would make you believe. But I am taking this word upon myself to mean this: Initial physical attraction is good, very good, and very helpful. In fact, I need a fairly high amount of initial physical attraction. But. But - I cannot have sexual contact with that person until I get to know their soul and their energy better. It makes me a gatekeeper. Whatever, fine. It also makes me easier to take advantage of than I ever knew before. But now that I am owning this, I won't be so easily taken.

Grief. It doesn't have stages. It doesn't have beginnings. It doesn't have endings. Grief comes in moments of so many different forms: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, depression, acceptance, unacceptable, hard-headedness, compassion, pride...the list goes on. But they are never in an order, and any can show at any time. Feel it. Cry. Wail. Scream.

A soulmate is someone with whom you made a pact before coming to earth. You and this soulmate agreed to teach each other something big. Actually, "big" doesn't cut it. You agreed to teach each other something monumental. These soulmate relationships quite often end in heartbreak. I met a soulmate in February. My heart broke in August. It was fast. It was wonderful. The heartbreak is painful.

My heart is in a million-minus-one pieces this time. This repair will be slow. This repair will be messy. I'll accidentally drop my heart 1,000 Times and have to re-repair sections over and over again. But you know what? It's still soft and open. I am the only one who has the power to harden my heart and I refuse to choose a perpetual hardened state. It'll harden for a few weeks...a few months...while the super glue cures. But I'll be back. Somehow. Somehow....somehow...

Andrew Legend

April 3, 2017 Jason Hoggan

Anyone who knew anything about my family and me prior to February 12, 2017 knows about our Acura Legend, whom I named Andrew 'Andy' Legend.

Andy is a 1991 Acura Legend. He's rosewood colored - not beige, not silver, not gray - rosewood. My parents purchased him in October of 1991 and he is practically my little brother.

Over the course of Andy's lifetime, nearly everything broke. The list of things that didn't break is shorter, so I shall list them:

Engine
Transmission

See how short that was?

To give you an idea of what I mean, here are a few of the stranger things that broke on/in Andy:

Gas Gauge - this broke before I even started driving him in 2005
Every power window, all four
Passenger side inside door handle (I'm still sorry to all those who cut their finger on it)
These little plastic panels behind the inside door handles...? I don't even know...
Wiper fluid shooters
Power antenna
(This eventually got stuck in the 'up' position and broke off entirely in a car wash.)
Driver side key hole
(Andy made me be a gentleman to everyone who rode with me.)
The bumper. I don't even know how many times that thing came off...but it was at least 5 times with me driving it and 2 of those times it was entirely replaced.
Anti-Lock Break System (ABS)
Only a couple of weeks before he left us, I got in one morning, adjusted my rear-view mirror, and it popped off right into my hand with part of the windshield attached to it. It literally came off with a chunk of glass. That was probably the last straw.
My personal favorite: the Speedometer, hence the odometer, both the trip odometer and the main odometer.

How many miles did Andy have on him? I have no clue any more. Once the speedometer started to quit working properly, the miles were no longer being logged properly either. On February 11, 2017 at 12:56, 214,060.0 miles were logged. My best terrible guess is that he had closer to 300,000 miles actually driven.

Final drive photos at Suncrest

Andy was even a model for me when I was taking a digital photography class. This was part of a "creative flash" assignment. Man, he looks good!

Back when the little guy rolled past 150,000 miles. So cute!

Me driving during one of many road trips.

Our final drive.

For our final drive, after more than a decade together, I took Andy down the roads we used to drive when I lived on Set Point Circle. We went up to Suncrest and took those photos.
On my way up there with him, I cried. I cried and cried.
On the way back, we drove on Wasatch Blvd - the exact stretches of road where I learned to drive with Andy. I cried and cried.
When I returned home, I told my mother about my drive and we cried and cried.

The memories made with Andy are not gone. I'll always remember the long talks with friends, even coming out to friends, my first kiss, the awe-inspiring road trips and meeting Missy Higgins, the head-clearing drives singing at the top of my lungs... Every dent, every ding, every scratch, and every crack has a memory that is still with me.

Andy, I love you. We will always share this view.