Betrayal

I thought I understood betrayal;
deceit;
hypocrisy;
abandonment;
withdrawal;
fraud;
let-down.
Then I grew up.

Life betrayed me that day.

Life stopped going the way I always imagined it would. It's life's fault I feel this way, not mine.
Life took away my love.
Life took away my home.
Life took away my security.
Life took away my clarity.
Life took away my god.

How can I possibly trust again?
Men deceive,
business is fraudulent,
home abandons,
friends let down,
meds withdraw,
and religion is a hypocrite.
Life betrayed me.

How dare Life not Live up to my grandiose, pies-in-the-sky, rainbows-and-unicorns expectations? Pies make a mess when they fall from so high in the sky.

Betrayal has left me bitter and begging for a breath of blissfulness in which my brain can bathe.

I did this to myself. Does that mean I can fix it?

"Drowning" by Mateus Lucena

"Drowning" by Mateus Lucena

Unless

Things you should not, I said NOT, say to someone with an anxiety or major depressive disorder:

  1. Man up.
  2. Grow a pair.
  3. It's in your head.
  4. You just need more sun.
  5. You're a hypochondriac.
  6. Your emotions are so unpredictable. (No kidding - try being the one experiencing them.)
  7. You're always sick.
  8. Buck up.
  9. Drama queen.
  10. You're being a baby.

Unless you've experienced depression or anxiety so bad you've considered killing yourself;

Unless you've gone through the pain of getting on an antidepressant (or 5);

Unless you've experienced the numbness that feels like such a relief at first, but then turns into a yearning to feel again;

Unless you've tried to get off of an antidepressant and experienced true chemical dependence withdrawal;

Unless you've been unable to get out of bed for days because it hurts too much;

Unless your behavior has caused you to lose the people who were once closest to you;

Unless...

Then shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

MONO Lessons (Part XXII: 440-463)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

440. Spring finals are the absolute worst.

441. I don’t understand the whole superhero comic book thing.  Especially Thor.  Thor is a Nordic god…not a comic book character…

442. Chris Evans must be an actual superhero since he has played The Human Torch and will be playing Captain America…the hero with the lamest name ever.

443. The Avengers are:  The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man (whatever that is), Thor, and Captain America.

444. Need to Know on PBS is simply outstanding journalism.  I highly recommend it.  Oh, and donate!  ;-)

445. Allegra is a non-drowsy lifesaver.  Now also available in generic form from your local grocery store knock-off brand!  Yay!

446. Some things never change.

447. Facebook ads…holy crap.

448. Apparently, people have pornographic slides.  Yes, I said slides.

449. Divorce isn’t a bad thing.  It just gets a bad rap.

450. I can easily use a video game analogy to explain my ideas correlating physics, spirituality, and a “higher power.”

451. RENT four times can be rather emotional; especially during a highly emotional time in your personal life.

452. Lesson #157 stated “I’m not ‘RENT’ gay.”  Correction, I am “RENT” gay.

453. Jagged Little Pill would make a great musical.

454. The Matrix is why I freed my mind.

455. Kaboom.  That is all.

456. I prefer having the world end at the end of apocalyptic-like movies.  Especially if aliens are involved.

457. Abercrombie & Fitch models feel nice.

458. I refuse to watch Criminal Minds because I can’t take Greg, yes, from Dharma & Greg, seriously.  And he’s missing Dharma…

459. Sexuality, gender, and sex are all amazing things and deserve more conversational attention.  Taboo is destroyed by conversation.

460. Depression and anxiety are rampant.

461. Depression and anxiety are rampant among gays.

462. Judy McLane is a sweetheart.

463. Being a gay teenager still sucks, unfortunately.  But at least it’s slightly less dangerous…

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?
How can I hate your hurtful heart,
But sigh for your smell on my sheets?
How can I loath your lousy lies,
But crave your counterfeit concurrence?
How can I despise your desperate devotion,
But pine for your perpetual and palpable presence?

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally destroy.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let this good-for-nothin' guilt
Cloud my already cockeyed comprehension?
Why do I fantasize the future we were facing,
Instead of soul-searching and stabilizing my self?
Why do I desire a darling,
But have a forever fleeting focus?

Why do I do this to me?
Since when did I lose control of my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do I forget your love?
How do I leave behind my own?
I'll never forget our years together.
The memories have pierced my soul.
But, it's over.
I miss you and will always love you.

How do you do this to me?
Since when did I hand you my reins?
This is my life to live,
Not yours to subliminally control.
Since when did my brain
Allow thoughts of you to drain
My will, my power to let go?
How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

How do you do this to me?

Goodbye.

MONO Lessons (Part XXI: 420 - 439)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

420. I don’t know what to do with my last name if/when I get married.  But I do know “Hoggan” won’t be leaving.  It’s far too awesome.

421. I want an equation, variable, or unit named after me.  “Then we take the Hoggan Cross Section…”  “Find the Hoggan wavelength of…”  “So after the algebra, we are left with 7 Hoggans…”  Yes.

422. Opera is not my thing.

423. “Little Women” is just a boring story.  Jo, grow up.

424. I should probably become a model.  It may be my true calling in life.

425. Depressed and anxious people shouldn’t have to split their depression and anxiety pills. We need more size variety!

426. Seeing a car flip over in front of you due to another car running a red light causes intersection anxiety.

427. I’m in love.  He drives me insane, but I love him.  I’m in love.

428. I can go months without talking to someone and still know when they’re pulling an April Fools joke.

429. Gay marriage would be legal if it weren’t illegal.  Think about it.  That thought isn’t as stupid as it sounds.

430. Fortune cookies are disgusting.

431. Domes of fudge are splendid.

432. Hemorrhoids suck.

433. Sucker Punch…possibly too awesome?

434. Buckwheat is nasty.  Even in maple-glazed cold cereal form.

435. I will never need to purchase an obnoxiously large, loud, and window-tinted truck to make up for any lack of “manhood,” thank you.

436. I don’t drink enough water.

437. I’m a meat-eating vegan.  A carnivorous vegan, if you will.  …Aaaaaand you will.

438. When I get an intense blog idea, move out of the way.

439. I like butt chins.

Mirror Mirror

"Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucking reflection." - SMT

How do you repair a mirror smashed into 64 billion pieces?

I guess the answer is: carefully...and with gloves so you don't cut yourself.

I forgot the gloves in my haste.

Once the mirror smashed, my first reaction was to hurry and put it back together as to see clearly again as soon as possible. But I cut up my hands and bled all over the poorly reconfigured puzzle. I couldn't see any clearer.

Crap. Now I have to re-break it if there's any hope of seeing clearly.

*smash*crash*crunch*

I can't do this again. I quit.

Trust forever betrayed.
Forgiveness never in sight.
Forever bandaging the wounds.
Never healing.
Always hurting.
Always bleeding.
What a mess.