Mono Lessons (Part VIII: 141-165)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


141. Campfire-giraffe-merhhh nights are the best.

142. First meetings are always awkward. I don’t care how comfortable you think you are with someone, it’s still awkward that first time.

143. I performed quite well on my PDE tests considering I quit doing the homework halfway through the course. The mono excuse helped me out on that one…

144. I love and admire Stacie and Anita.

145. The only hope UTemps has is in our departure. No longer having stake in the Program, we can lay it all out there as we leave.

146. Change is the only constant.

147. It’s too little too late.

148. Miracles continue to happen.

149. There’s something to this “power of attraction.”

150. Some people truly do have empathy and show it in ways that are the most helpful at the time.

151. Grade miracles continue to happen.

152. I allocate and work with my “time” a lot differently than I used to.

153. Television contentment can be found solely through Hulu…and CBS.com since they’re chumps and don’t post their shows to Hulu.

154. Timing is everything.

155. “Boffin” is British slang for “scientist,” NOT “homosexual.”

156. Mexican food is the only constant.

157. I “may be gay, but [I’m] not ‘RENT gay.’”

158. I may be nerdy, but I’m not “pocket protector nerdy.”

159. Zombies are hilarious and even cuddly.

160. My friends are freaks. My favorite freaks ever. ☺

161. Mono makes me eat like a pregnant woman at Denny’s.

162. I prefer my sushi in rolls.

163. Shockingly enough, not everything orange tastes good. That caviar was the most beautiful shade of orange………

164. I’m uber uncoordinated with chopsticks. And I throw them when I’ve just had enough of their nonsense.

165. It takes a lot of energy to stay “on” when meeting bunches of new people.

Mono Lessons (Part VII: 121-140)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


121. I’m picky.

122. I can pop 34 individual joints plus my neck and back. Ha.

123. My multi-vitamin doesn’t have potassium in it.

124. Some things need my attention more than others.

125. Gay marriage might not be the best solution… Didn’t think I’d say that, did ya?

126. Patience: I don’t have a lot…so I’ve sure had a lot to gain.

127. Downtown Denny’s has a VERY different crowd than our local Cottonwood Heights Denny’s at 1am.

128. This place is full of fuckheads. Pardon me.

129. I give SLCC a lot of (somewhat undeserved) crap. However, there does exist an even less respectable school to attend. I’ll refrain from naming it right now…. Care to guess what it is? No, not BYU....

130. A fast-dripping IV creates one of the strangest internal sensations I’ve ever felt.

131. When 4 people are tag teaming you in an ER room, it’s easier to ignore the fact that at least five vials of blood are being drawn from your arm.

132. December 14, 2009 at approximately 10:15pm: the exact moment I forgave Michael and myself for everything regarding that experience...and then some. Took me 2.5 years. Yes!!!

133. Even if I’m not proud of my past, I need to take responsibility and ownership of it. It makes me who I am today.

134. “Reparative” therapy may not be the devil’s work as I once thought. My own attempt at self-“reparative” therapy was anything but fun and/or successful, but again, the experience helped make me the secure person I am today. How can I deny someone that experience?

135. My reaction to “reparative” therapy is like that of a parent watching their child go through an experience they wish they didn’t have to watch. The kind of experience the parent wishes their child could learn without having to actually experience the experience. But unfortunately, most people only truly learn what they need to by going through those intense experiences.

136. Forgiveness is one of the hardest tasks to accomplish. It is also one of the most relieving and worthwhile things to accomplish.

137. Forgiveness can take for.e.ver.

138. You definitely can’t always trust your doctor. Question everything.

139. The changes I have been waiting for are actually happening. I don’t like it.

140. A certain someone is more than incompetent, they’re an asshole too.

Mono Lessons (Part VI: 100-120)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


100. Bowling only works out one arm.

101. I must stay on a regular eating schedule.

102. I REALLY can hold a grudge.

103. Poor lane etiquette really pisses me off.

104. I feel more comfortable bowling in light. Yes, rather than dark.

105. The harmonica is harder to play than it looks.

106.  I’m confused by the phenomenon of “friends with benefits.”

107.  Some people and environments can become truly toxic I one’s life.

108. I might have to fight with my brother about which one of us gets to name our first son Dean.

109. I have a slight potassium deficiency.

110. Potassium deficiency is called hypokalemia. I think the “k” is in there solely for its atomic symbol.

111. Hypokalemia has many symptoms identical to those of mono.

112. I have a fairly pronounced and normal sinus arrhythmia.

113. I also have a more exciting arrhythmia that I don’t have a fun name for…yet. I just happen to get tons and tons premature beats when in its peak.

114. There is some technology that seems like it would, should, and could be so much more advanced than it is, but it isn’t.

115. Jailbait isn’t as exciting as it sounds.

116. It is possible to steal from Express.com without meaning to. Then when you try to correct the error through your local Express store, they can’t help you. Lastly, you feel okay about having accidentally stolen due to Express’ error and lack of in-store correctional skills.

117. Jealousy arrives when I learn someone was able to make out with a hot redhead.

118. December 6, 2009 – Panda fortune reads: “You will always be surrounded by true friends.” Jason then begins crying in the mall food court with his friend. ☺

119. It’s nice to have pants that fit.

120. These things I actually like and they also have potassium in them:

a. Orange juice

b. Cranberry juice

c. Kiwis

d. Mangoes (non-pinetree-tasting)

e. Papayas

f. Pears

g. Giant potassium pills that are even larger than Augmenton

h. Nectarines

i. Raisins

j. Banana splits. ☺

k. Salmon

l. Halibut

m. Cod

n. Tuna

o. Apricots

p. Strawberries

q. Broccoli

r. Cauliflower

s. Brussels sprouts. Yes, I like Brussels sprouts. Wanna take this outside?

t. Cantaloupe

u. Onions

v. Spinach

w. Baked potatoes. Unfortunately, most of the potassium is in the disgusting skin.

x. Nuts

y. Avocados…in guacamole. That’s the only way I can handle avocados.

z. And finally, bananas…listed last for so many reasons…

Mono Lessons (Part V: 83-99)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


83. Power Rangers rocked and still do and still will.

84. I’m not a twink. Only twinkish.

85. The ugly truth about gaydar.

86. How much I enjoyed researching and writing my paper on gaydar.

87. I wasn’t taught proper sex education in public school.

88. HIV/AIDS discussions now get me riled up.

89. Certain artists are more talented than I can comprehend.

90. I still adore hot redheads… It’s a curse.

91. Gender & Sexual Orientation (GNDR 5770) is the best class I’ve ever taken. Ever. I mean it. Thanks Lisa!!!

92. I really just don’t like Kenny Chesney.

93. Miranda Lambert’s voice is annoying. Especially her talking voice.

94. The exact same things stars go through in the public eye happen to our friends too.

95. There is an endless list of things I could have done differently if I would have known I had mono sooner.

96. Sometimes that endless list starts to repeat itself in my head.

97. It’s not worth listing everything I could have done differently. I only have NOW.

98. Nothing beats good customer service.

99. Unreliable cars make driving so much more stressful than it used to be…than it should be.

Mono Lessons (Part IV: 67-82)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


67. A certain somebody snores.

68. Wrap it up.

69. The beauty of self-checkout in supermarkets.

70. Just because they’re your doctor doesn’t mean they’re right.

71. I already know and should quit pretending.

72. It feels good to give advice I’ve practiced myself.

73. Sometimes friends need a good ol’ figurative slap in the face.

74. Sometimes friends need a good ol’ literal slap in the face.

75. It’s really tough to get people to open their eyes. Especially in this place.

76. I have a lot of things I want to do.

77. I have passion.

78. It’s okay to tell people you have mono; they understand.

79. No matter how many people deny it, they hear mono and figure your lips get around.

80. Some people’s lips really do get around…

81. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small world.

82. Mono + Cold – Nasal Spray + Listerine Mouthwash = Attempted Suicide

Mono Lessons (Part III: 51-66)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


51. It could have been worse.

52. IKEA is one of the best ideas ever.

53. You can truly forgive without actually forgetting.

54. Some talent goes beyond my wildest dreams.

55. Gender and sexual orientation are 100x more complicated and confusing than I ever thought. And look whose talking.

56. “Gay” doesn’t quite cut it. But is there something that does?

57. You can’t get nasal spray vaccinations for the flu if you have some sort of preexisting condition.

58. It’s hard to stay “healthy enough” to have a chance to get a regular injected flu vaccine.

59. People use the most idiotic excuses to avoid taking responsibility.

60. I can actually work from home quite easily if I don’t have to call anybody.

61. The politics in that place are fucking bullshit. Oh wait, I knew that already. It was just reaffirmed…again. How redundant.

62. Kneaders has the best oatmeal raison cookies.

63. Butternut squash bisque from Paradise is amazing.

64. On ultra annoying nausea days, Chipotle is often the only thing I can fathom eating. Specifically the hard shell tacos.

65. Jessica and I have our mindless and hilarious conversations at work to help keep a satisfying level of sanity (or insanity).

66. Mono screwed with my:

a. Appetite

b. Skin

c. Scalp

d. Sinuses

e. Throat

f. Weight

g. Pants

h. Belts

i. Head

j. Judgment

k. Voice

l. Personality

m. Mood

n. Amount of sleep

o. Sleep patterns

p. Sleep schedule

q. Sleep in general, apparently

r. School schedule

s. Work schedule

t. Boy schedule

u. Friend schedule

v. Homework schedule

w. Probably my pancreas

x. Probably the sac around my heart

y. Stamina

z. Motivation

aa. Drive

bb. Heart rhythm

cc. Diet

dd. Hydration

ee. Potassium levels

Mono Lessons (Part II: 25-50)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.


25. How to say NO without using the word “mono.”

26. How to say NO with using the word “mono.” This one is harder.

27. One of my leading love languages, when it comes to showing my love for others, is gift giving.

28. I get offended when someone refuses a gift.

29. How to utilize Facebook Text Message.

30. I hold grudges. But not many.

31. I can release grudges.

32. Time FLIES!!!

33. Power Ranger costumes are hotter than hell.

34. I actually love my coworkers because they are my friends.

35. I like herbal tea.

36. Not ALL green tea tastes like hay. Just most green tea tastes like hay.

37. I hate relationship labels.

38. People don’t change. They think they’re changing for the “better,” but they’re only getting worse.

39. Some people are complete and utter douche bags.

40. It’s cathartic to tell a complete and utter douche bag that they’re a douche bag.

41. I dated an amateur porn star. If you want to call it that, I guess. It’s not worth watching. Trust me.

42. I really don’t care for high school flashbacks. Really.

43. When you have mono, “it’s getting late” is said around 5pm.

44. An unbelievable amount of mucus can reside in your sinus cavity.

45. Allie is an undercover Tylenol sales representative. A rather pushy one.

46. Normal cold medicines don’t have enough drug in one dose to actually do anything.

47. Take 2+ doses of cold medicine to feel some relief or take larger amounts of separate, different drugs.

48. Honesty is the best policy.

49. There’s no reason to settle.

50. Some hair dyes will stain your pillow.