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10 Down, 1 To Go - Thank You!
I'm graduating from college in May. On May 4, 2012, to be exact, but who's really keeping track? Then I'm leaving my job and running away to Europe for a month. Sounds amazing and you're extremely jealous of me, right???
Anyway...
First, I want to take a moment to reflect on the past 5 years of my college life and publicly acknowledge some family, friends, and coworkers who have continually supported me and helped me survive.
Mom and Dad: What troopers. From my giddy freshman excitement, to my mono year and kidney stone, to the impending senioritis, thank you for always being there to hear me rant, rave, complain, scream, cry, bitch, and cry some more at all hours of the day or night. Thank you for letting...no...encouraging me to be me. Thank you for listening to me nerd out like I do. Thank you for being interested in me, my school, my work, my coworkers, and my friends.
Stacie and Anita: I couldn't have asked for more amazing coworkers. I still feel so lucky and blessed that I had the opportunity to work with both of you. Not many people get the chance to do what we did. And at my young age, I am so thankful I was able to do it with you. Thank you for being great coworkers, mentors, and most of all, my friends. I love you both dearly!
Stacie, Me, and Anita: The UTemps Team
Katie: Thank you for putting up with my and Ryan's Canada jokes. Thank you for choosing me (you know what I'm talking about...haha). Thank you for helping to keep us in contact and organizing lunches and dinners. Thank you for always being there to talk to and for never judging me. You are one of the sweetest people I know and I absolutely love you!
Moi et Katie
Ryan: Thank you for making nerdiness so sexy. Thank you for your eye contact. Thank you for being an amazing study buddy. Thank you for all of the intellectual conversations about gender, sexuality, religion, and everything else both physics-y and non-physics-y. I miss you!
Jessica: You are absolutely the best lab partner anyone could ask for! Thank you for always being on the same crazy wavelength as me, even though it's not actually you're choice and in reality you're just as crazy as me. Thank you for taking Lisa's class with me - that was an amazing experience to share with you. Thank you for being so freaking funny. I love you!
Allie and Lindsey: Thank you for putting up with mono me. Thank you for the Denny's nights. Thank you for the laughing attacks. Thank you for Disneyland. Thank you for the cabin, which was exactly like Disneyland, only completely different. Thank you for being amazing friends! Oh, and Lindsey...EUROPE!
DISNEYLAND!!!
Diane: Thank you for taking a "risk" and hiring a physics major. Thank you for your infinite flexibility around my health and school. I would never have guessed I'd work in a theatre...but I have absolutely loved it!
Now that I got the sappy part out of the way, let's talk about what I've accomplished here and why I deserve this degree. (It's tough to tell if I'm doing this to help ward off senioritis and keep me motivated or if I'm just trying to impress all of you.) I'm a super nerd, so I've obviously kept track of every class I've taken over the past 5 years. And here they are with my (sometimes witty) comments!!!
Freshman Year `07 -`08
Allie, me, and Barbara "Poochigian-ing It Up"
Classical Civilizations 1550: Classical Mythology
Poochigian. Enough said.
Educational Psychology 2600: Strategies for College Success
Taking AP classes in high school made this class borderline useless...
Mathematics 2210: Calculus III
It's like calculus I and II, only in THREEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEE!
Writing 2010: Intermediate Writing
Katy Savage, how I love you. You and I clicked when it came to humor. Thank you for encouraging me to write!
Art 2060: Non-Major Digital Photography
I, mister science, got an A- in an art class. Hell yes! I'll take it. Digital Photography: Art for Scientists. I also must give this class credit for introducing me to Richard Avedon and his portrait of Marilyn Monroe. You may have heard I enjoy this photograph.
Mathematics 2270: Linear Algebra
Horrible class. Horrible teacher. Katie flirted for her grade. Admit it.
Physics 1980: Undergraduate Seminar II
They made me take it...
Physics 2215: Physics Lab I for Scientists and Engineers
Per...rwrwrwwrrw...iod. That means "period" in Asian.
Physics 3210: Physics for Scientists I
Ugh...I don't wanna talk about it.
Summer `08
Mathematics 2280: Introduction to Differential Equations
Gray is usually a bad choice...especially if you're overweight and it's the middle of summer in Utah...if you catch my drift.
Sophomore Year `08 -`09
Mathematics 3210: Foundations of Analysis I
Even though we only spent one day in the Naval Sciences building with no AC, I now know how Italian students feel when they're in class sweating like an Italian fountain and have an Italian man saying math at them.
Physics 1970: Undergraduate Seminar I
You guessed it, they made me take this too...
Physics 2225: Physics Lab II for Scientists and Engineers
Ming Dynasty. At least I think it was Ming...
Physics 3220: Physics for Scientists II
I don't wanna talk about this either.
Political Science 1100: United States National Government
My county is blue...
I felt that needed to be brought to attention.
The only reason this class was somewhat interesting is because I took it in Fall 2008: aka, election season.
Mathematics 3220: Foundations of Analysis II
Every review I had read about my professor, Dr. Taylor, (also the author of our "book") was horribly negative. I was terrified of him before I'd even met him. Turns out he was one of the most fair professors I had my entire college career.
Physics 3740: Introduction to Quantum Mechanics and Relativity
Quite possibly the biggest asshole of a professor I had my entire college career.
Physics 3760: Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics
I HATE thermodynamics. I also HATE statistical mechanics. At least the professor was nice even though he was sometimes difficult to understand.
Psychology 1010: General Psychology
This was quite the psych overview...thank goodness Kelly was in it with me.
Junior Year `09 -`10
ESS Fitness 1145: Elementary Bowling
It's amazing how flinging a ball down an oily lane thereby making pins fly and make loud noises is a spectacular stress reliever...even when you're not very good. Thanks for putting up with me, Alec.
Gender Studies 5770: Gender and Sexual Orientation
DYAC
Dr. Lisa Diamond changed my life. I could never thank you enough for all "ah-ha!" moments, self discovery, and self acceptance you inspired in me. YOU literally changed my life; I don't care how cliché I sound!
Mathematics 3150: Partial Differential Equations for Engineers
My professor was a godsend. At the time, I felt like I was dying from mono, so I made a deal with him that I would no longer be doing the homework, but prove to him I knew the material through exams. In short, I got the high on the final. Thank you, Prof. Allison.
Physics 1330: Physics of Audio and Video
Yes, 1330. I took this for the hell of it and I thoroughly enjoyed it, thank you.
Physics 3610: Electronics I
I now cringe when I see electronics schematics. I should mention, I ACED the final in this class.
See? Terrifying.
ESS Fitness 1145: Elementary Bowling
Yep, I took it twice. Wanna make somethin' of it?!
I eventually got my own ball!
Mathematics 3160: Applied Complex Variables
Oddly enough, I think this may have been my favorite math class. It was also my LAST math class... There may or may not be a correlation.
Two of my favorite mathematical cartoon characters
Physics 4910: Technical Communication and Scientific Judgement
This class was so good and so tough. I learned to get comfortable presenting to an audience, that group work is a bitch, and some people say "like" WAY too many times when they're publicly speaking.
Psychology 2800: Psychology of Love
Relationships are so damn complicated!!! Also, it's very strange to be taking this class when beginning a new, albeit poor and pretty damn hopeless, relationship.
Psychology 3000: Statistical Methods in Psychology
Part of me is still angry I had to take this class for a psychology MINOR composed of classes which didn't even require the class as a prerequisite. This would be the definition of a weed-out class. I recommend taking it online if you have some self motivation.
Senior Year I `10 -`11
Art History 3600: The History of Photography
I LOVED this class. I found even more photographs to love almost as much as Richard Avedon's Marilyn Monroe. I wrote about them a while back. I even posted a paper I wrote for this class - Today I Asked Why.
Nutrition 1020: Scientific Foundations of Nutrition and Health
This class left me thoroughly disappointed in our country.
Physics 3410: Modern Optics I & II
This class had one of the most time consuming labs ever...if you don't count the undergrad lab class.
Physics 5010: Theoretical Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics
I withdrew from this class. My life changed this semester...fucking kidney stone.
Physics 3730: Introduction to Computing in Physics
I never want to be a computer programmer.
Physics 5110: Introduction to Particle Physics
This professor takes the prize for the most difficult to understand. Probably not an award of which one should be proud.
Senior Year II `11 -`12
Physics 5010: Theoretical Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics
Yeah...this again. Good thing I saved most of the material from last time.
Physics 3719: Undergraduate Laboratory
Thank HEAVEN for Jessica. Oh, and thank you Whitney for explaining "the tone."
Sodium Doublet
H2D2
Physics 5020: Theoretical Electricity and Magnetism and Statistical Mechanics
This is bound to be pretty awful. (It was.)
Psychology 3440: Personality Theory
This is bound to be pretty amazing. (It was.)
So in the end, I deserve it, right? Right.
I'm almost an official physicist!!! Do you know what this means? YOU will know a physicist. Yep, you!
Thank you all!
Love,
Jason
MONO Lessons (Part XVI: 321 - 342)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
321. I like him. I like him a lot.
322. I haven’t had the opportunity to be just friends with someone before dating them. The transition is so pleasant and non-nerve-racking. Natural, if you will.
323. I suddenly like the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette…hmmm…
324. It’s even weirder to have completed Psychology of Love a couple of months ago and now beginning an actual new relationship. Talk about textbook…
325. I CAN MAKE GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, & EGG-FREE OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES!!! Epic day. 07/11/10.
326. That woman lives her life through her pain-body. How sad.
327. Minds can change extremely fast.
328. I have identified five collective pain-bodies in which I have a stake:
a. The American Gay (LGBTQ+) Pain-Body
b. The Mormon (LDS) Pain-Body
c. The Gay Mormon Pain-Body
d. The Food Allergy Pain-Body
e. The Gluten-Intolerant/Celiac Pain-Body
329. I find hidden Mickey’s in my everyday life.
330. I’m capable of sending and receiving an “It’s me” voicemail.
331. The past can truly be haunting.
332. “D-BOX” isn’t dirty, it’s just a vibratey seat!
333. When I like a movie enough, I can see it 5 times in 15 days. Inception rocks.
334. Monday, August 30, 2010: Kidney stone. Worst. Pain. EVER.
335. Guess what? Potassium, still only inching it’s way up. I have far more blood tests than I would prefer.
336. If they changed their mind and “accepted” me, I don’t think I would go back. The damage is done.
337. Clubbing is much more tolerable with a significant other.
338. Blogging is like therapy.
339. Protests and rallies are like therapy.
340. Wendover is so sleazy it’s spectacular.
341. Gambling is kinda stupid…
342. Saying “my boyfriend” makes me all giddy. *sigh*
Ignorant Remarks, Insensitive Timing - Their Injurious Consequences and the Impending Paradigm Shift
1.
"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."
A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel. However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural." "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church. I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints. Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint. But you know what? I'm not a plug. I'm a human being. I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's. My point is, it's not black and white. No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking. You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.
Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not? Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural." Take gravity, for instance. I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity. It's the weirdest force. It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces. That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory). Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.
I knew it was going to take something BIG to get me blogging again. If you hadn't noticed, I've been MIA for a while now...since August 18th, to be exact. I've been away for a number of reasons, but it all amounts to this: I have so much to say, so much going on inside my head, and so little time, that I quit writing altogether. But I can't stay silent any longer. A talk given by Elder Boyd K. Packer this last weekend put me over the edge. Unfortunately, this is the BIG thing bringing me back to blogging life.
So here we go.
The month of September brought us 4 nationally publicized suicides (6+, if you look a little deeper) of LGBT individuals. It also brought us the blocking of a bill that would allow for the repeal of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy.
If you are interested, here is a wonderful description of the recent DADT events in the US Senate. Thank you for laying it out for us, Ms. Maddow:
"Senators, your culture war is showing."
And then the suicides. This clip from Ellen DeGeneres is chill-inducing in the last 5 seconds.
"Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it."
This brings us to conference weekend. HERE is the talk in any format you could imagine.
(Disclaimer: The TEXT version has been edited by the LDS Church to read differently than the words spoken in the audio and video versions. I guess it's kind of a step in the right direction...kind of...? Not really... Details HERE.)
Now that we're all on the same page, here are my comments. I avoided Facebook commenting too much because this is how I choose to display my opinion regarding this talk. It's all here. If I change my mind or have more to say, I'll write more in the coming days, weeks, and months.
It seemed like this talk was going to be about pornography, but it takes some very strange turns... I have 4 quotes to scrutinize which I have transcribed from the Audio/Video versions - the original words heard by the world and not necessarily relayed in the edited text version.
1.
"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."
A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel. However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural." "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church. I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints. Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint. But you know what? I'm not a plug. I'm a human being. I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's. My point is, it's not black and white. No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking. You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.
Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not? Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural." Take gravity, for instance. I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity. It's the weirdest force. It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces. That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory). Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.
2.
"...if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate, but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God's laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce, for instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do? There are both moral and physical laws irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundation of the world that cannot be changed. History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot."
He does not give any examples of his last statement. He then goes on to say that various societies are trying to legalize what is "basically wrong or evil."
The thing is, our understanding of gravity is changing, and it's changing radically every day. In the meantime, it keeps working the way it always has and always will. To fit it correctly into a grand unified theory, we have to CHANGE OUR THINKING about how gravity works. We've had to nearly start over with gravity! We are choosing, even voting, to change our thinking! We aren't changing the law of gravity, we're changing how we think about the law of gravity.
The same thing is happening with LGBT+ issues. Gays, lesbians, etc., etc., have been around forever and always will be. But we're social outcasts. We don't fit into the grand unified theory the heterosexuals have set forth. Hence, thinking has to change. It is changing. Thinking about sexuality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, psychology, physiology, spirituality...everything! It's all changing.
The paradigm is shifting.
And again, here we have the Church telling its members how to vote. I do not need to expound on this here since I have before. Click HERE for more information and my personal opinion on the matter.
3.
"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our father."
I've said it a million times. I was born gay. I also believe I was gay in the pre-existence and will be gay in the afterlife. Elder Packer uses the question "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" in exact opposition to its true intention.
Why would our Heavenly Father create someone with inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural? He wouldn't. I truly believe that. To me, this then implies"homosexuality" isn't impure and unnatural. I was born with that trait, therefore it is pure and natural. It's that simple. You have no authority to tell me otherwise.
Here, Elder Packer is also implying sexual orientation is changeable. With all due respect, Elder Packer, if you willfully change your sexual orientation, then maybe I'll take a second look at the decades of science proving you utterly wrong.
4.
"Agency is precious."
Why does this church place so much verbal value on agency, yet never advise its members to use their agency. Agency is more than choosing the "right choice" or the "wrong choice." It's the act of getting down on your knees and conversing with your God. Talk to Him and discover what the best option is for you at that time. It's so disappointing that these words will now go into the minds of most Mormons as doctrine, as direct inspiration and word from God. These apostles and prophets are human too, you know. They have their opinions just as we do. It is each individual member's responsibility to pray about the words they hear at conference for confirmation or cancellation of their divine nature. It is my opinion that the words in this talk are those of an angry, out-of-touch old man, bitter about his Proposition 8 being overturned by the court system. These words are not divine.
If someone reading this does choose to get down on their knees and truly ask for guidance regarding these complex LGBT+ issues, try to clear your mind and go into it seeking the best answer - not the answer you expect or are looking for. Two years ago just before election time '08 when I "outed" myself via Facebook, I had a former friend of mine converse with me about my sexuality through Facebook messages. Needless to say, this person was convinced I was in the wrong and I gently encouraged them to pray about the subject. Three days later I received a message from them telling me they received their answer and I was indeed living in sin. Three days. Three. Days. It took me 10 years to get my answer. What an ignorant and disrespectful slap in the face. I believe my point has been made.
Evil. Immoral. Unrepentant. Sinful. Unrighteous. Disobedient. Tempted. Wrong. Unnatural. Wicked. Impure. Unworthy.
That's a list of words describing ME used by an apostle of what I usually call "my Church." I'm again questioning why I call it that.
Why do I keep standing up for you, Church? When a non-member says something like, "Why do they listen to these old men anyway?", why do I try to explain why? It's a culture. How on earth do you explain an entire culture to somebody from a different culture? I am weary, Church. I can't...I WON'T...stand up for you any more. If the teachings coming out of you are true and good, they don't need an explanation - they don't need to be defended! I'm not doing it any more! I don't even know why I've been doing it or who I've been doing it for over the past few years. I'm beginning to realize I haven't been doing it for me... So I quit. Claiming membership with you means I have to live with a perpetual knife sticking out of my back. Talks like this give it a nice twist. How do I pull out the knife without bleeding to death?
I have thick skin and individuals can say whatever they want to or at me. But that's not the point. It's the fact that an entire culture is this way...a culture of which I used to be a part. It's heartbreaking.
Ideas and quotes from others that I would like to address:
1. It's freedom of speech. Obviously this is true. The greatest blessing and consequence of having the right to free speech is that others have the right to freely scrutinize and challenge your speech with theirs. The thing is, in the LDS Church, this speech is now considered doctrine from God. Try arguing the word of God with a devout Mormon. It's a hopeless cause. You swirl around in mindless double-speak and babble until you quit. There are far too many Mormons who do not apply their agency and access to personal revelation to the words of the apostles and prophets. They take it for doctrine and that's that. End of story. It's impossible to converse with someone who's key debate point is "the word of God." Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but nobody is entitled to be a bigot.
2. He is a good man with good intentions. That very well may be, but good intention does not imply good message.
3. "Love the sinner, not the sin." This classic cliche is bullshit. Anyone who has been a "victim" of someone acting like this knows it. You can see it in their eyes...they think your are as worthless as the "sin." People who treat others this way just ooze a holier-than-thou attitude, but they don't know it. If you're going to tell me you love me despite the fact that I'm a sinner, I don't want your love. "But we're all sinners!" What a happy-go-lucky way to think of life.
4. I tolerate gays. Mormons tolerate gays. If I remember correctly, Christ didn't teach "Tolerate thy neighbor" or "Tolerate one another." Tolerate is NOT a synonym for love. When Mormons say they tolerate us, they mean reluctantly accept the immoral decisions we have made that are sending us to hell. What a painful message to convey to all of the gay, lesbian, bi, trans...different children, teens, and adults in your sacrament meeting, primary class, Sunday school class, young men's class, and young women's class. With so much silent hatred bombarding us from our Churches, our families, our "friends," our schools, our communities...it's no wonder a number of individuals begin to believe they are worthy of the hatred and end their own life.
5. "Homosexuality." This word has nearly no meaning any more - especially when an uninformed or ignorant person uses it. Diversify your vocabulary. You can start by asking "homosexuals" how they choose to label their sexuality. Trust me, that question is not offensive if asked sincerely.
6. "Homosexuality" is a temptation to be overcome. I'm going to let John Shore with the Huffington Post take this one for me. 'Just Resist the Temptation': The Anti-Love Approach to Homosexuality
7. What was said at conference was nothing new. How true this is! In fact, it was a throwback to 1972! The timing of this repeated message makes the message more vile than it already is. Just as the LGBT+ community thought it was making some ground due to the Church's recently silent stance on "homosexuality"...just as Prop 8 is beginning the overturning process... Then just as Congress blocks a clause allowing the military to repeal DADT...just as we hear of the 6+ suicides in the month of September alone. The timing and tone of Packer's message is repulsive.
8. A protest won't help anything. The opinions about protests and rallies that I have read are fascinating to me. Reading them sent me all over the map with my own opinion. In the end, I decided a rally is what I make of it. I'm not protesting the Church's right to free speech. I'm protesting the timing of it and the hatred and misinformation conveyed in it. I don't want more LGBT+ individuals to take their lives over these issues. I want to be part of a community outreach. Let's use this as another way to bring awareness and stimulate conversation. I am not following a flock and I don't appreciate being told whether I should join a rally or not. I'm not a mindless drone. I can make decisions for myself. I thought very deeply about the role I wanted to play in this rally.
With 4,500+ showing up, I believe it helped something.
Final thoughts:
The divisiveness I have seen among the LGBT+ community over this has been utterly eye-opening. And not in the happy way. I am learning there are separate and distinct factions of gay activists in this valley. I guess that's how it always goes with a minority. One group wants things done this way, another group wants it done another way. Be careful... Can't we just use this as a time to unite?
I am exhausted. I am tired. I am weary. I am brokenhearted. I am disappointed. I am aching, trembling, crying. I am overwhelmed. I am sad, mad, and angry.
How many suicides is it going to take?
When I was a Peter Priesthood years ago, I used to be offended when non-members would say Mormons were not Christian. "But we believe in Christ!" "Of course you do, but you aren't Christlike." It makes sense to me now. Being Christian is more than believing in Christ - it's also being Christlike. Unfortunately, far too many Mormons are NOT exhibiting Christlike behavior.
To my friends and family:
Without your love and support, I shudder to think where my life would be today - if I would even still be here. Your love, support, and empathy take the edge off of the overwhelming emotions continually stirred by this culture. My heart breaks for those friends of mine without the same support I have, especially from my family. I wish I could somehow offer a solace to those without this system of support.
So to those of you reading this, I ask this. Please be that loving, understanding, empathetic support that so many of us LGBTs need so desperately. Take the time to understand the complexities surrounding all of the issues LGBT individuals face every day. Go into it without preconception. You'll be enlightened.
Thank you for reading. I am now going on a much-needed weekend getaway. The week's ignorance has exhausted me.
Farewell.
What to do...what to do?
I have desires burning deep inside my soul.
They burn so hot and so real...
My flesh tingles and flushes,
My eyes swell and drip,
My vocal cords seize and scream.
Physics, psychology, math, poly sci, astronomy, photography...
Have I chosen the right thing?
I want to make a difference.
I want to speak out.
I want to speak up.
But I'm terrified to do more than I already am.
What to do...what to do?
Do I want to be an "activist?"
What is an activist?
Am I already one?
Can a physics major be a gay activist?
A gay Mormon activist?
A gay Mormon physics major activist?
Is that allowed?
Is it dangerous?
Is it treacherous to pursue?
Which side is more threatening anyway?
Of whom should I be more wary?
Both?
Neither?
Have I already ruffled everyone's feathers?
Fence-sitting sounds so simple...
But it's not that easy.
I still have fears.
I still hesitate before saying I'm gay.
I even hesitate before saying I'm Mormon.
I have friends who don't understand,
But who let me do my own thing;
No questions asked.
Why don't they ask questions?
With which part do they not agree?
It's exhausting to continually tailor my words
According to my company...
Do you know me?
Do you really know me?
Who do you think I am?
Honestly.
I'm sorry, but,
"You don’t know me,
You don’t know me at all.
You don’t know me,
You don’t know me AT ALL."
I feel stuck.
Out of place.
Always wanting more gay friends...
More straight friends...
More Mormon friends...
More gay Mormon friends...
Who feel and think the way I do,
Truly,
Not because it's the "right answer"
Or they can't make up their mind...
Who doesn't "really just want to watch each other sleep...
...Sleep sleep sleep."
More friends to occupy and distract my thoughts
From wandering and wondering what I wonder...
What to do...what to do?
I want to be in love.
I want to be head-over-heels.
I want to be wooed.
I want to want to woo.
I want a hand to hold.
I want to care and not care.
When will I meet him?
Have I already met him?
Will I find him at school?
Work?
Through a friend?
Would acting on my activism help me find my partner in crime?
I want to have the courage...
I want to have the strength...
I want to have the drive...
I want to have the reason...
I want to have the security...
I want to have the voice...
I want to have the sense...
I want to have the stamina...
I want to have the energy...
I want to have the support...
I want to have the enthusiasm...
I want to have the confidence...
to
end the hate.
end the ignorance.
end the abuse.
end the disgust.
end the self-loathing.
end the lies.
end the suicides.
end the helplessness.
end the hopelessness.
end the excuses.
end the doubt.
end the fear.
What to do...what to do?
Fearlessly be myself.
MONO Lessons (Part XI: 209-228)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
209. It’s January 27, 2010, and to be honest, I don’t really think I have mono any more. However, things aren’t back to normal. My appetite is odd, my sleep cycle is odd…I just feel odd. I think I have food allergies that are prolonging everything.
210. Whether I still have mono or not, I keep learning things, so I think I should continue my mono lessons list – both for personal reasons and for the sake of blog entertainment. In case I don’t actually have mononucleosis (symptoms) any more, MONO Lessons will stand for Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational Lessons. That’s what these silly lessons really are, anyway. ☺
211. I’m grateful I took Foundations of Analysis…?!? What?!?
212. Valentine’s Day comes to mind much sooner when it appears you’ll actually have a valentine.
213. 55” of TV is a LOT of TV.
214. There are few things that will keep me up until 4am. Tennis is one of them.
215. I get extremely offended when my petition is denied.
216. Attraction is SO complicated! And it dictates our thoughts and feelings about absolutely everyone!
217. I actually can get my blood drawn with out totally freaking out.
218. Just being in the University Hospital makes me extremely happy.
219. Hospital cafeteria food is better than Union food. And cheaper. And more healthy.
220. The Green shuttle doesn’t stop at the Union, only Red and Blue do.
221. Atenolol makes being nervous so much more bearable.
222. School is “easier” when unemployed.
223. Alec Woodbury and Allie Wall have the same initials!!!
224. Leaping zombies are the best.
225. There are certain people with whom I should not be alone for an extended period of time. Specifically while school is going.
226. We’re literally writing the next page of our life novel right now; “the rest is still unwritten.”
227. Slaps in the face are rather enlightening for both parties – the slappee and the slapper.
228. I would SO much rather get a free Grand Slam at Denny’s on my 21st birthday than get drunk.
Mono Lessons (Part X: 187-208)
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll thank God you don't have mono.
187. I have more self-control than I give myself credit for having.
188. I gained my “self-control” from having some pretty crappy experiences.
189. There’s a fine line between “self-control” and extreme hesitation and caution.
190. “I don’t wanna be your other half; I believe that one and one make two.” (from “Not the Doctor” by Alanis Morissette)
191. “[I won’t] let [him] get away with kicking [his] own ass.” (from “Unsent” by Alanis Morissette)
192. I’m not crazy…well, in the sense that I’m not imagining my heart arrhythmia nor am I mistaking another chest activity for the heart arrhythmia. In other words, I have a seasonal heart arrhythmia.
193. Sherri worded this perfectly for me: “Never argue with an idiot. All they do is drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience.”
194. Atenolol is a beta-blocker. I still don’t really understand what a beta-blocker is. Let alone beta…and why it would need to be blocked.
195. Aliens scare the crap out of me enough when they’re blatantly fake that I am able to put on quite the convincing show when they are presented with a hint of realness.
196. I am apparently rather passionate about aliens.
197. I really do miss some certain people from middle and high school.
198. I don’t fall easily, quickly, willingly, simply, smoothly, comfortably, or patiently. Good luck, my friend.
199. I enjoy being a psychology test subject probably more than I should…
200. Denny’s has a TOTALLY different menu before 10pm! It’s huge!
201. Propositions from straight guys are tempting, but not when the straight guy is creepy.
202. Blog formatting takes way too much effort sometimes.
203. Seriously, zombies are funny.
204. No one else is online at 3:30 AM. Why did I not learn this sooner? Like in the 40’s or 50’s sections of the mono lessons?
205. Nothing beats IMAX 3D.
206. One-paragraph summaries of an all-over-the-place lecture are rather difficult.
207. Follow my gut… I already know this, I just need to remind myself.
208. It’s really weird to be taking The Psychology of Love when starting a new relationship…