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Unconditional: Love, Abuse, and Survivor's Guilt
I have a message. I have a story I need to share. I need to share it with families and parents. I need to share it with the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with the families and parents of those part of the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with Mormons, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, and Agnostics. I need to share it with my friends and family. I need to share it with my known and unknown enemies. I need to share it with conservatives, liberals, moderates, and the unaffiliated.
I have great parents. I want to state this fact early on so we can set it aside as we move through this together. I have great parents who have never abused me nor disowned me because of my sexual orientation. I have great parents who love me, not despite being gay. They just love me unconditionally. I have great parents, got it? Now let's set this aside.
Because I have great parents, I've been told by many gay people that I should feel so lucky, I should be so grateful, and I should act so thankful. I do feel lucky, I am grateful, and I am thankful. But you know what?
- The families and parents of the men who have so passionately told me those things have hurt me.
- And I have survivor's guilt.
This is my story - it's the story of a gay man growing up in a Mormon family who wasn't abused or disowned by his parents or family, but who has been in relationships with men who have been treated horribly by those who are supposed to be the most loving, and feels guilty about it. I have not been abused and I do not intend to discount the experience of anyone who has been. What I am doing is explaining how I relate to abuse through my own experience and trying my best to stop it from happening to just one person, just one family.
Abuse affects more than the person being abused and exists for longer than the finite amount of time the abuse may happen. Abuse infects the abused. It festers and grows inside of them. It influences every conversation, every relationship they have, forever. It fills them with self-hatred, doubts of ever being "good enough", and worry that abuse will happen again.
I have loved three men who were and are abused and/or disowned by their parents and families. Their abusive parents and families are at the heart of why each relationship ended. The abuse infected each relationship and ultimately killed it. It was a pre-existing condition in each relationship and I haven't been able to realize that until now.
The First Time
This all started when I discovered my new friend, who later became my boyfriend, was in the ER after being physically beaten by a family member because he is gay. I went home and sobbed to my parents about what happened. I felt powerless. He begged me to not call the police, so I didn't. I still regret it.
Later on, when this budded into a romantic relationship, the infection of abuse began to show itself through my partner's jealousy and extreme distrust. I will never admit I was or am the perfect boyfriend. I know there are things I could have done differently to quell some of this, but because distrust was literally beaten into him by someone who was supposed to love him, there was no chance of me "fixing" him. The infection was so beyond me and beyond our relationship that it was impossible to reassemble. It destroyed us in a fury of anger.
The Second Time
Alcoholic by Monica Dranger on flickr
This new friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we first met. He wouldn't or couldn't leave. Instead, he would run away with me every so often and I would learn about his current relationship and his abusive family. I fell for him, and him for me. We eventually dated after years of courting. This time, the emotional and physical abuse he endured as a young man showed itself through alcohol and anger. He would drink and I would get yelled at. I would yell back. Two years later, he was drinking before going into work each morning and I realized my partner was an alcoholic that got extremely angry when drunk. This relationship had a violently chaotic ending where both his and my parents got involved. I look back at him calling his abusive father to come and "help" him as supremely twisted. My heart was shattered and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive losing him.
The Third Time
Removing a broken heart by james allen on flickr
This new friend and I clicked so quickly that I didn't bat an eye when he said his relationships with his family were doing okay and were, in general, "not a big deal." Weeks and months went by, becoming closer and closer. I began feeling that all-too-familiar love for him. I happened to tell him about that love the week his "not a big deal" family began to actively and harshly insult, disown, and gossip about him. Saying the word "love" to him was either the best or worst idea I've ever had. Soon after, he came to me saying he couldn't do a romantic relationship with me right now because his heart is too broken over his family. He said he couldn't be his best self with me. He said he needed a friend. Wading through grief, I came out the other side agreeing. This relationship didn't end in an explosion like the other two. But he knows there's still time for that later. ;-)
"I Love You"
These men were all abused by someone who said "I love you." The distrust that grew and festered in them turned into an infectious beast that prevented them from trusting me when I said "I love you" to them. In fact, they were hurt by people in the name of love, by people who love(d) them so much, they were willing to become the villain to save their gay son, brother, uncle, or nephew's soul. This kind of love makes "love" the most confusing word on earth. So please don't tell me about my great parents that I know I have. Talk to me about my first boyfriend being beaten, my second turning to angry alcohol, and the third breaking my heart because of his own broken heart. My heart broke all three times. I'm not unscathed. The families of these men hurt me. Like I said before, I'm not eclipsing their pain, but showing you I have some too.
I am not sitting high nor am I sitting mighty. I actually feel shunned by my own gay community because I have this pain inside me that I'm told I'm not allowed to voice or feel because I'm so lucky. My gay community easily reflects, and even focuses, their familial and outward pain back inward to other gay people. The distortion of love is ruining the futures of so many wonderful people, but we only realize that when we decide we can't take it any more and need something to change. "How's that workin' out for ya?" "Not so great."
Feeling the LOVE by Craig Allen on flickr
I shouldn't have to live part of my life fearing that the word "love" will trigger PTSD in a partner. It's not fair to either of us. It makes me so upset that this happens and that I have no control over it. I like to have control as much as anyone, and I also acknowledge that I only have control over myself - my actions, my words, and my self - but willingly relinquishing control of a situation is immensely difficult when feelings and words like love are in play. Because these men became so frightened of love, I haven't been able to fully express my love. It's like trying to describe experiencing a total solar eclipse - words only do about 20% of the job. When I have to stifle how I express my love, it is distressing and supremely frustrating. I've even been told by one of these men to not change how I expressed my love for them. But I'm not sure they totally understand how impossible that is. If I'm in love with someone, I'm going to do and say things with them that I don't say or do with a typical friend. It feels stifled. And I want to blame someone. I can't blame him. I can't blame me. I can try as hard as I want to blame his family. Sometimes that makes me feel better. But it usually doesn't. I can't control his family and I can't control him, so "blame" falls back on the only thing I have control over - me. But I don't want blame. Blame is negative. Responsibility? Maybe, but that sounds so sterile and too mature. Love isn't mature. It's not on the maturity spectrum.
God Is Unconditional Love
We use so many different words to describe a singular idea: love. God, Higher Power, Divine, Christ, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Yahweh, Jehovah, Lord, Maker, Light, Earth, Sun, Sky, Gaia, Spirit, Father, Mother, and the hundreds more I've missed. The word you use is deeply personal and powerful to you. The thing that transcends all religion, creed, race, and location and is a single thread of commonality woven into each of these words: love. God is not just love. God is unconditional love. God does not "love the sinner, not the sin." That is conditional love and not of God.
If you're part of a family hoping their gay son will get scared away from a man who loves them and come back to you, admitting defeat, wanting your acceptance again, and hoping they want to be welcomed back into the church...think about the damage you've done to their brain. Why would you wish heartache on someone? Why would you wish pain? Why would you wish lost love? It's not about whether you "agree" with their "choice" (because being gay isn't a choice), it's about being a parent and having unconditional and "god-like" love for your child. Having unconditional love despite their gayness is conditional love. Unconditional love isn't "love the sinner, not the sin." In fact, unconditional love doesn't place the judgement of sin on anyone, ever.
Unconditional love:
- doesn't attach strings
- doesn't pose judgement
- doesn't sling malice
- doesn't harbor resentment
- doesn't entertain anger
- doesn't house hatred
- doesn't possess fear
- doesn't hold animosity
- doesn't fling insult
- doesn't abuse
- and doesn't disown
I don't know if this will ever happen, but if the parents or family members of any of the men I briefly talked about above ever read this, I hope you've been able to put your pride aside and see not only the awful things you've done to your son and your family, but the pain you've caused the people that love/d him. There are reparations to be made beyond your son and far beyond me.
Forgiveness
Do you deserve forgiveness? Probably not. What you have done is truly the worst thing you could do to another soul: tell them you love them and intentionally hurt them in the name of said love. It is despicable, reprehensible, disgusting, offensive, vile, wicked, and just plain bad. And the thing is, the forgiveness I've seen asked for by families who have behaved in such a way isn't pure.
The forgiveness asked for comes across as 1) Ignoring: "Let's both agree to just ignore what happened. I'll ignore you're gay and you ignore I beat/hurt/disowned you, okay?", 2) Victim Blaming: "You know, if you would have just toned it down a little bit, none of this would have happened. If you wouldn't have advertised your sexual orientation, this wouldn't have happened.", and/or 3) Pity Party: "I had such a hard childhood/adolescence/time that I didn't know how to react. If my life wasn't so hard, I would have been better - woe is me, I have it so much worse off than you (the person I hurt)."
Would you forgive anyone who came to you with any of those attitudes? Neither would I. Sincerely asking for forgiveness is one of the most vulnerable states you could ever put yourself in. You'll have an idea you're doing it right when it's no longer about you and it's all about the person you've wronged. You're doing it right if you listen and understand why what you've done is so terrible. And you're doing it right if you not only say you won't ever do anything like it again, but you actually don't.
I Have Survivor's Guilt
Why did I survive and they didn't?
Why did I get great parents and they didn't?
Why did I get a great extended family and they didn't?
Why did I receive unconditional love and they didn't?
Why did I bypass abuse and they didn't?
Why did I leave the church so drama-free when they didn't?
Why did I escape suicide and they didn't?
I should feel so lucky.
I should be so grateful.
I should act so thankful.
I do all of those. But I feel guilt.
If there is one thing you leave with after reading this, I hope it's the realization that, when it comes to people's problems and comparing them to your own: If it's not one thing, it's another. We all have our own unique set of life experiences leading us to handle situations differently and feel situations differently. I know when the day comes that I'm rich that I will certainly solve my "poor" problems, but I'll be trading them in for other problems I can't even understand yet.
Even though I have great parents and don't have the abusive baggage so many in my community have, it doesn't mean I don't have my own issues and my own issues related to that same abuse, though not directly aimed at me. So, I'm going to own that I'm a Survivor. I'm going to own having Survivor's Guilt. I'm going to own the pain from those conditionally loving families. I'm going to own having great parents.
Indigo Eiffel Tower
I am the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.
Paris is the heart of Europe when I'm talking about Europe. I've had the pleasure of visiting that city twice. I only learned years later that when I visited the first time, I left part of my heart there. My first trip to Europe was the first time I began to accept my sexual orientation as part of myself. I realized that, when I returned home, I needed to end things with my girlfriend because things could not continue the way they were going. I knew I was gay and I had to face that fact.
I grew up Mormon and was still actively Mormon at the time. I soon resolved to come out as gay, but remain single and celibate and active in the LDS faith. In short, that didn't work out for me very well and I have since left the church. But know, leaving the church doesn't immediately heal the wounds it inflicted. It also doesn't destroy the aspects that I decided were pure and wanted to incorporate into my soul.
The Prop 8 battle was tough. You can read an older blog from me about that if you want to see more of my reaction. The post is titled BLAST FROM THE PAST: PROP 8, MORMONS, FOUNDERS, VOTING, AGENCY, REVELATION, AND SOME BETRAYAL...SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD READ! You might also be interested in IGNORANT REMARKS, INSENSITIVE TIMING - THEIR INJURIOUS CONSEQUENCES AND THE IMPENDING PARADIGM SHIFT. For now, let's just call that a major blow. The thing that almost did me in was the "leaked" policy in November 2015. You can read more about that HERE from the The Salt Lake Tribune. To summarize, gay people are to be considered apostates, children of gay parents are not allowed to join the church until they become adults, and upon joining, they must renounce their parents' relationship.
It's not like I was surprised by what the statement and what was said, but I was taken aback that they actually said it. I spent most of my time avoiding talking about the topic with anyone, including my own family.
About a week later, Paris experienced a terrorist attack. It was Friday, November 13, 2015 - I will never forget. I happened to take the day off of work and spent the entire day watching the news and crying.
My left arm also began to hurt that day. I blamed it, at the time, on a medical procedure I had done that included an IV. The thing is, the pain in my forearm continued to get worse and worse each day. I spoke to two naturopathic doctors and saw my massage therapist / energy worker one day and it all finally clicked: Paris was where I first began to accept myself and that magnitude of a revelation left an impression on my heart and my heart left an impression on Paris. Years later, to have the church attack my being once again and re-open those wounds and then have a physical attack on the city that holds my heart was too much for my soul to bear. My arm swelled up to protect me from the influx of painful energy I was absorbing from my gay community, my ex-Mormon community, and Paris.
Within two days of discovering this connection, the swelling and pain had decreased by 80%. I knew I could no longer ignore intense and uncomfortable feelings because my body would rebel if I didn't take in the energy and process it. Of course, some of this is now known with hindsight. Since then, I've discovered I'm empathic and it makes even more sense why these simultaneously unfolding events had such a profound effect on my physical, spiritual, mental, and energetic bodies. My left arm is my primary "receiving" arm - I receive information and energy through that arm. I believe my arm was trying to protect my Heart Chakra from impacting with that energy because it truly believed it would break my heart. Once my arm let it go, it did break my heart, but it had to be broken. It had to break again so I could process this heartache from the new perspective I now had on how the LDS church had impacted me then and how I was going to let it impact me from now on. The symbolism of the whole experience is still striking to me - literally witnessing an attack on Paris was like watching my heart be shattered again by this organization I used to find purpose within.
The Eiffel Tower stands out tall and modern from its city of old, classic, and conservative architecture.
The Eiffel Tower breaks tradition and the way things were.
The Eiffel Tower was widely regarded as an eyesore for decades after being completed.
The Eiffel Tower is now a landmark, a monument.
The Eiffel Tower doesn't advertise. You know where it is. And even if you don't know the exact location in Paris, once you're there, you'll find it by sheer will or by looking at the skyline. And if you miss it in daylight, it will shimmer as a beacon at night.
I believe I stand out tall and modern from the culture in which I was raised. I believe I shine a light on "the way things were" and ask you to re-think. I believe I'm getting better and better each day at being my authentic self and not caring what people think of me. I believe I stand out. And I believe I can be found by anyone at any time when you need me. My name is Jason. In Greek, my name means healer. I am a healer. I am an empath. When I can help heal you (or you, me), you will find me.
I got a tattoo on my left forearm to remind me of this experience and to remind me to let myself feel everything with my heart, no matter how painful I might think it is. It is better to feel it and process it than let it build up and coagulate into a painful, swollen mess.
My tattoo is four main things: 1. Tribal in style - I've always liked the look of tribal tattoos. 2. The shape of a Pisces symbol. I'm 100% Pisces and I love it. 3. Vaguely, a capital H for my last name. I just so happens that the Pisces symbol also looks like an H. 4. The Eiffel Tower.
One last thing. In the title I mention the color Indigo. This color has become my personal protector. The story is deeply private, so I'm going to keep most of it to myself. But, what I will say is that Indigo regulates the energy that enters me. It protects me. And the image of the Eiffel Tower in an Indigo light stays in my mind and represents me in my self-narraritive.
I am the Eiffel Tower.
by Peter Talke Photography
Source HERE
I Believe
"I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows..."
Wait...no, no. Don't worry. I'm not going to start out with a cheesy LeAnn Rimes song. No, what I want to talk about is all my traditionally sacrilegious beliefs.
Yep, you guessed it! A list:
My Sacrilegious Articles of Faith
God...doing science
- I believe there are other intelligent beings in our universe that we may one day contact.
- I believe I will one day have my own planet.
- I believe I can have spirit children with another man.
- I believe Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene.
- I believe Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene had children with each other.
- I believe the "Plan of Salvation" also fits for LGBT+ individuals.
- I believe in aliens...to an extent.
- I believe LDS prophets are men, not divine beings speaking only truth.
- I believe I have a Heavenly Father as well as a Heavenly Mother.
- I believe God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three separate and individual beings united in purpose.
- I believe polygamy should be legal - as well as any other type of polyamory.
- I believe I was gay in the pre-existence.
- I believe I was born gay.
- I believe I will be gay in the next life.
- I believe "being gay" is part of my soul.
- I believe a woman has the right to choose whether to carry her baby to full term or abort it.
- I believe in the powerful potential of stem cells and in fully funding stem cell research.
- I believe gender and sexuality are not solidified and constant.
- I believe God is the perfect scientist.
- I believe women can lead religious congregations.
- I believe.
Wooooo....I'm so liiiiiiiberrrrrrrallllllll!
Go ahead, un-follow me, defriend me, un... + me? Or just comment - that's more fun for both of us anyway.
MONO Lessons (Part XVIII: 366 - 382)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
366. The more I think about it, the more I want nothing to do with anything Mormon.
367. I need somebody to type my autobiography while I just blab away about my bizarre and somewhat heartbreaking past.
368. I don’t believe in “love at first sight.” However, I’m a strong believer in “like at first sight” and an even stronger believer in “lust at first sight.”
369. I have some unresolved issues with him.
370. She can hold out for a whole month!
371. I’m acting like a teenager and I’m fine with it.
372. Daiquiri Ice is DAIRY FREE!
373. Physics is more phun when I can phocus on it.
374. If I need a new kidney, YOU are waking up in an ice bath. Just sayin’…
375. I'm pretty rational about flying off the handle. – AEW
376. When I’m annoyed, I can’t hide it.
377. Don’t have the ice cream. Just don’t.
378. The best part about having a boyfriend is he goes to every freaking concert with me. ☺
379. When finally confronted with a question you’ve been waiting to be asked for years, it can catch you so off guard that you freeze up and avoid answering it the way you’ve rehearsed a million times in your head.
380. 1982 Tron = AWFUL! Seriously. Did Disney really release that to the general public?
381. I have never found a human being more repugnant, cowardly, and disgraceful than those two and I haven’t even met them.
382. Somebody dislikes Halloween more than I. And that’s saying something.
This I Know
I would give my life if it would save even one person from having to go through the mental misery, emotional agony, and spiritual hell I went through to get where I am today.
This I know:
God exists.
I am one of His children.
He loves me.
He wants me to be happy.
He will help me find happiness here in this life and in the next.
I can have a personal relationship with Him.
He will answer me.
God knows I'm gay.
My spirit was "gay" before I was born into this life.
I will be "gay" in the afterlife.
It's okay.
I can have an eternal family with another man.
I can have spirit children with another man.
The Church's current stance on gays is simply incorrect.
One day more will be revealed.
MONO Lessons (Part XVI: 321 - 342)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
321. I like him. I like him a lot.
322. I haven’t had the opportunity to be just friends with someone before dating them. The transition is so pleasant and non-nerve-racking. Natural, if you will.
323. I suddenly like the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette…hmmm…
324. It’s even weirder to have completed Psychology of Love a couple of months ago and now beginning an actual new relationship. Talk about textbook…
325. I CAN MAKE GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, & EGG-FREE OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES!!! Epic day. 07/11/10.
326. That woman lives her life through her pain-body. How sad.
327. Minds can change extremely fast.
328. I have identified five collective pain-bodies in which I have a stake:
a. The American Gay (LGBTQ+) Pain-Body
b. The Mormon (LDS) Pain-Body
c. The Gay Mormon Pain-Body
d. The Food Allergy Pain-Body
e. The Gluten-Intolerant/Celiac Pain-Body
329. I find hidden Mickey’s in my everyday life.
330. I’m capable of sending and receiving an “It’s me” voicemail.
331. The past can truly be haunting.
332. “D-BOX” isn’t dirty, it’s just a vibratey seat!
333. When I like a movie enough, I can see it 5 times in 15 days. Inception rocks.
334. Monday, August 30, 2010: Kidney stone. Worst. Pain. EVER.
335. Guess what? Potassium, still only inching it’s way up. I have far more blood tests than I would prefer.
336. If they changed their mind and “accepted” me, I don’t think I would go back. The damage is done.
337. Clubbing is much more tolerable with a significant other.
338. Blogging is like therapy.
339. Protests and rallies are like therapy.
340. Wendover is so sleazy it’s spectacular.
341. Gambling is kinda stupid…
342. Saying “my boyfriend” makes me all giddy. *sigh*
Ignorant Remarks, Insensitive Timing - Their Injurious Consequences and the Impending Paradigm Shift
1.
"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."
A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel. However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural." "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church. I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints. Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint. But you know what? I'm not a plug. I'm a human being. I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's. My point is, it's not black and white. No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking. You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.
Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not? Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural." Take gravity, for instance. I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity. It's the weirdest force. It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces. That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory). Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.
I knew it was going to take something BIG to get me blogging again. If you hadn't noticed, I've been MIA for a while now...since August 18th, to be exact. I've been away for a number of reasons, but it all amounts to this: I have so much to say, so much going on inside my head, and so little time, that I quit writing altogether. But I can't stay silent any longer. A talk given by Elder Boyd K. Packer this last weekend put me over the edge. Unfortunately, this is the BIG thing bringing me back to blogging life.
So here we go.
The month of September brought us 4 nationally publicized suicides (6+, if you look a little deeper) of LGBT individuals. It also brought us the blocking of a bill that would allow for the repeal of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy.
If you are interested, here is a wonderful description of the recent DADT events in the US Senate. Thank you for laying it out for us, Ms. Maddow:
"Senators, your culture war is showing."
And then the suicides. This clip from Ellen DeGeneres is chill-inducing in the last 5 seconds.
"Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it."
This brings us to conference weekend. HERE is the talk in any format you could imagine.
(Disclaimer: The TEXT version has been edited by the LDS Church to read differently than the words spoken in the audio and video versions. I guess it's kind of a step in the right direction...kind of...? Not really... Details HERE.)
Now that we're all on the same page, here are my comments. I avoided Facebook commenting too much because this is how I choose to display my opinion regarding this talk. It's all here. If I change my mind or have more to say, I'll write more in the coming days, weeks, and months.
It seemed like this talk was going to be about pornography, but it takes some very strange turns... I have 4 quotes to scrutinize which I have transcribed from the Audio/Video versions - the original words heard by the world and not necessarily relayed in the edited text version.
1.
"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."
A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel. However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural." "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church. I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints. Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint. But you know what? I'm not a plug. I'm a human being. I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's. My point is, it's not black and white. No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking. You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.
Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not? Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural." Take gravity, for instance. I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity. It's the weirdest force. It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces. That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory). Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.
2.
"...if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate, but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God's laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce, for instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do? There are both moral and physical laws irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundation of the world that cannot be changed. History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot."
He does not give any examples of his last statement. He then goes on to say that various societies are trying to legalize what is "basically wrong or evil."
The thing is, our understanding of gravity is changing, and it's changing radically every day. In the meantime, it keeps working the way it always has and always will. To fit it correctly into a grand unified theory, we have to CHANGE OUR THINKING about how gravity works. We've had to nearly start over with gravity! We are choosing, even voting, to change our thinking! We aren't changing the law of gravity, we're changing how we think about the law of gravity.
The same thing is happening with LGBT+ issues. Gays, lesbians, etc., etc., have been around forever and always will be. But we're social outcasts. We don't fit into the grand unified theory the heterosexuals have set forth. Hence, thinking has to change. It is changing. Thinking about sexuality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, psychology, physiology, spirituality...everything! It's all changing.
The paradigm is shifting.
And again, here we have the Church telling its members how to vote. I do not need to expound on this here since I have before. Click HERE for more information and my personal opinion on the matter.
3.
"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our father."
I've said it a million times. I was born gay. I also believe I was gay in the pre-existence and will be gay in the afterlife. Elder Packer uses the question "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" in exact opposition to its true intention.
Why would our Heavenly Father create someone with inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural? He wouldn't. I truly believe that. To me, this then implies"homosexuality" isn't impure and unnatural. I was born with that trait, therefore it is pure and natural. It's that simple. You have no authority to tell me otherwise.
Here, Elder Packer is also implying sexual orientation is changeable. With all due respect, Elder Packer, if you willfully change your sexual orientation, then maybe I'll take a second look at the decades of science proving you utterly wrong.
4.
"Agency is precious."
Why does this church place so much verbal value on agency, yet never advise its members to use their agency. Agency is more than choosing the "right choice" or the "wrong choice." It's the act of getting down on your knees and conversing with your God. Talk to Him and discover what the best option is for you at that time. It's so disappointing that these words will now go into the minds of most Mormons as doctrine, as direct inspiration and word from God. These apostles and prophets are human too, you know. They have their opinions just as we do. It is each individual member's responsibility to pray about the words they hear at conference for confirmation or cancellation of their divine nature. It is my opinion that the words in this talk are those of an angry, out-of-touch old man, bitter about his Proposition 8 being overturned by the court system. These words are not divine.
If someone reading this does choose to get down on their knees and truly ask for guidance regarding these complex LGBT+ issues, try to clear your mind and go into it seeking the best answer - not the answer you expect or are looking for. Two years ago just before election time '08 when I "outed" myself via Facebook, I had a former friend of mine converse with me about my sexuality through Facebook messages. Needless to say, this person was convinced I was in the wrong and I gently encouraged them to pray about the subject. Three days later I received a message from them telling me they received their answer and I was indeed living in sin. Three days. Three. Days. It took me 10 years to get my answer. What an ignorant and disrespectful slap in the face. I believe my point has been made.
Evil. Immoral. Unrepentant. Sinful. Unrighteous. Disobedient. Tempted. Wrong. Unnatural. Wicked. Impure. Unworthy.
That's a list of words describing ME used by an apostle of what I usually call "my Church." I'm again questioning why I call it that.
Why do I keep standing up for you, Church? When a non-member says something like, "Why do they listen to these old men anyway?", why do I try to explain why? It's a culture. How on earth do you explain an entire culture to somebody from a different culture? I am weary, Church. I can't...I WON'T...stand up for you any more. If the teachings coming out of you are true and good, they don't need an explanation - they don't need to be defended! I'm not doing it any more! I don't even know why I've been doing it or who I've been doing it for over the past few years. I'm beginning to realize I haven't been doing it for me... So I quit. Claiming membership with you means I have to live with a perpetual knife sticking out of my back. Talks like this give it a nice twist. How do I pull out the knife without bleeding to death?
I have thick skin and individuals can say whatever they want to or at me. But that's not the point. It's the fact that an entire culture is this way...a culture of which I used to be a part. It's heartbreaking.
Ideas and quotes from others that I would like to address:
1. It's freedom of speech. Obviously this is true. The greatest blessing and consequence of having the right to free speech is that others have the right to freely scrutinize and challenge your speech with theirs. The thing is, in the LDS Church, this speech is now considered doctrine from God. Try arguing the word of God with a devout Mormon. It's a hopeless cause. You swirl around in mindless double-speak and babble until you quit. There are far too many Mormons who do not apply their agency and access to personal revelation to the words of the apostles and prophets. They take it for doctrine and that's that. End of story. It's impossible to converse with someone who's key debate point is "the word of God." Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but nobody is entitled to be a bigot.
2. He is a good man with good intentions. That very well may be, but good intention does not imply good message.
3. "Love the sinner, not the sin." This classic cliche is bullshit. Anyone who has been a "victim" of someone acting like this knows it. You can see it in their eyes...they think your are as worthless as the "sin." People who treat others this way just ooze a holier-than-thou attitude, but they don't know it. If you're going to tell me you love me despite the fact that I'm a sinner, I don't want your love. "But we're all sinners!" What a happy-go-lucky way to think of life.
4. I tolerate gays. Mormons tolerate gays. If I remember correctly, Christ didn't teach "Tolerate thy neighbor" or "Tolerate one another." Tolerate is NOT a synonym for love. When Mormons say they tolerate us, they mean reluctantly accept the immoral decisions we have made that are sending us to hell. What a painful message to convey to all of the gay, lesbian, bi, trans...different children, teens, and adults in your sacrament meeting, primary class, Sunday school class, young men's class, and young women's class. With so much silent hatred bombarding us from our Churches, our families, our "friends," our schools, our communities...it's no wonder a number of individuals begin to believe they are worthy of the hatred and end their own life.
5. "Homosexuality." This word has nearly no meaning any more - especially when an uninformed or ignorant person uses it. Diversify your vocabulary. You can start by asking "homosexuals" how they choose to label their sexuality. Trust me, that question is not offensive if asked sincerely.
6. "Homosexuality" is a temptation to be overcome. I'm going to let John Shore with the Huffington Post take this one for me. 'Just Resist the Temptation': The Anti-Love Approach to Homosexuality
7. What was said at conference was nothing new. How true this is! In fact, it was a throwback to 1972! The timing of this repeated message makes the message more vile than it already is. Just as the LGBT+ community thought it was making some ground due to the Church's recently silent stance on "homosexuality"...just as Prop 8 is beginning the overturning process... Then just as Congress blocks a clause allowing the military to repeal DADT...just as we hear of the 6+ suicides in the month of September alone. The timing and tone of Packer's message is repulsive.
8. A protest won't help anything. The opinions about protests and rallies that I have read are fascinating to me. Reading them sent me all over the map with my own opinion. In the end, I decided a rally is what I make of it. I'm not protesting the Church's right to free speech. I'm protesting the timing of it and the hatred and misinformation conveyed in it. I don't want more LGBT+ individuals to take their lives over these issues. I want to be part of a community outreach. Let's use this as another way to bring awareness and stimulate conversation. I am not following a flock and I don't appreciate being told whether I should join a rally or not. I'm not a mindless drone. I can make decisions for myself. I thought very deeply about the role I wanted to play in this rally.
With 4,500+ showing up, I believe it helped something.
Final thoughts:
The divisiveness I have seen among the LGBT+ community over this has been utterly eye-opening. And not in the happy way. I am learning there are separate and distinct factions of gay activists in this valley. I guess that's how it always goes with a minority. One group wants things done this way, another group wants it done another way. Be careful... Can't we just use this as a time to unite?
I am exhausted. I am tired. I am weary. I am brokenhearted. I am disappointed. I am aching, trembling, crying. I am overwhelmed. I am sad, mad, and angry.
How many suicides is it going to take?
When I was a Peter Priesthood years ago, I used to be offended when non-members would say Mormons were not Christian. "But we believe in Christ!" "Of course you do, but you aren't Christlike." It makes sense to me now. Being Christian is more than believing in Christ - it's also being Christlike. Unfortunately, far too many Mormons are NOT exhibiting Christlike behavior.
To my friends and family:
Without your love and support, I shudder to think where my life would be today - if I would even still be here. Your love, support, and empathy take the edge off of the overwhelming emotions continually stirred by this culture. My heart breaks for those friends of mine without the same support I have, especially from my family. I wish I could somehow offer a solace to those without this system of support.
So to those of you reading this, I ask this. Please be that loving, understanding, empathetic support that so many of us LGBTs need so desperately. Take the time to understand the complexities surrounding all of the issues LGBT individuals face every day. Go into it without preconception. You'll be enlightened.
Thank you for reading. I am now going on a much-needed weekend getaway. The week's ignorance has exhausted me.
Farewell.