Unconditional: Love, Abuse, and Survivor's Guilt

I have a message. I have a story I need to share. I need to share it with families and parents. I need to share it with the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with the families and parents of those part of the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with Mormons, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, and Agnostics. I need to share it with my friends and family. I need to share it with my known and unknown enemies. I need to share it with conservatives, liberals, moderates, and the unaffiliated.

I have great parents. I want to state this fact early on so we can set it aside as we move through this together. I have great parents who have never abused me nor disowned me because of my sexual orientation. I have great parents who love me, not despite being gay. They just love me unconditionally. I have great parents, got it? Now let's set this aside.

Because I have great parents, I've been told by many gay people that I should feel so lucky, I should be so grateful, and I should act so thankful. I do feel lucky, I am grateful, and I am thankful. But you know what?

1. The families and parents of the men who have so passionately told me those things have hurt me.
2. And I have survivor's guilt.

Chris Detrick | The Salt Lake Tribune

This is my story - it's the story of a gay man growing up in a Mormon family who wasn't abused or disowned by his parents or family, but who has been in relationships with men who have been treated horribly by those who are supposed to be the most loving, and feels guilty about it. I have not been abused and I do not intend to discount the experience of anyone who has been. What I am doing is explaining how I relate to abuse through my own experience and trying my best to stop it from happening to just one person, just one family.

Abuse affects more than the person being abused and exists for longer than the finite amount of time the abuse may happen. Abuse infects the abused. It festers and grows inside of them. It influences every conversation, every relationship they have, forever. It fills them with self-hatred, doubts of ever being "good enough", and worry that abuse will happen again.

I have loved three men who were and are abused and/or disowned by their parents and families. Their abusive parents and families are at the heart of why each relationship ended. The abuse infected each relationship and ultimately killed it. It was a pre-existing condition in each relationship and I haven't been able to realize that until now.

---

The First Time

This all started when I discovered my new friend, who later became my boyfriend, was in the ER after being physically beaten by a family member because he is gay. I went home and sobbed to my parents about what happened. I felt powerless. He begged me to not call the police, so I didn't. I still regret it.

Anger by Can Balcı on flickr

Later on, when this budded into a romantic relationship, the infection of abuse began to show itself through my partner's jealousy and extreme distrust. I will never admit I was or am the perfect boyfriend. I know there are things I could have done differently to quell some of this, but because distrust was literally beaten into him by someone who was supposed to love him, there was no chance of me "fixing" him. The infection was so beyond me and beyond our relationship that it was impossible to reassemble. It destroyed us in a fury of anger.

The Second Time

Alcoholic by Monica Dranger on flickr

This new friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we first met. He wouldn't or couldn't leave. Instead, he would run away with me every so often and I would learn about his current relationship and his abusive family. I fell for him, and him for me. We eventually dated after years of courting. This time, the emotional and physical abuse he endured as a young man showed itself through alcohol and anger. He would drink and I would get yelled at. I would yell back. Two years later, he was drinking before going into work each morning and I realized my partner was an alcoholic that got extremely angry when drunk. This relationship had a violently chaotic ending where both his and my parents got involved. I look back at him calling his abusive father to come and "help" him as supremely twisted. My heart was shattered and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive losing him.

The Third Time

Removing a broken heart by james allen on flickr

This new friend and I clicked so quickly that I didn't bat an eye when he said his relationships with his family were doing okay and were, in general, "not a big deal." Weeks and months went by, becoming closer and closer. I began feeling that all-too-familiar love for him. I happened to tell him about that love the week his "not a big deal" family began to actively and harshly insult, disown, and gossip about him. Saying the word "love" to him was either the best or worst idea I've ever had. Soon after, he came to me saying he couldn't do a romantic relationship with me right now because his heart is too broken over his family. He said he couldn't be his best self with me. He said he needed a friend. Wading through grief, I came out the other side agreeing. This relationship didn't end in an explosion like the other two. But he knows there's still time for that later. ;-)

---

"I Love You"

These men were all abused by someone who said "I love you." The distrust that grew and festered in them turned into an infectious beast that prevented them from trusting me when I said "I love you" to them. In fact, they were hurt by people in the name of love, by people who love(d) them so much, they were willing to become the villain to save their gay son, brother, uncle, or nephew's soul. This kind of love makes "love" the most confusing word on earth. So please don't tell me about my great parents that I know I have. Talk to me about my first boyfriend being beaten, my second turning to angry alcohol, and the third breaking my heart because of his own broken heart. My heart broke all three times. I'm not unscathed. The families of these men hurt me. Like I said before, I'm not eclipsing their pain, but showing you I have some too.

I am not sitting high nor am I sitting mighty. I actually feel shunned by my own gay community because I have this pain inside me that I'm told I'm not allowed to voice or feel because I'm so lucky. My gay community easily reflects, and even focuses, their familial and outward pain back inward to other gay people. The distortion of love is ruining the futures of so many wonderful people, but we only realize that when we decide we can't take it any more and need something to change. "How's that workin' out for ya?" "Not so great."

Feeling the LOVE by Craig Allen on flickr

I shouldn't have to live part of my life fearing that the word "love" will trigger PTSD in a partner. It's not fair to either of us. It makes me so upset that this happens and that I have no control over it. I like to have control as much as anyone, and I also acknowledge that I only have control over myself - my actions, my words, and my self - but willingly relinquishing control of a situation is immensely difficult when feelings and words like love are in play. Because these men became so frightened of love, I haven't been able to fully express my love. It's like trying to describe experiencing a total solar eclipse - words only do about 20% of the job. When I have to stifle how I express my love, it is distressing and supremely frustrating. I've even been told by one of these men to not change how I expressed my love for them. But I'm not sure they totally understand how impossible that is. If I'm in love with someone, I'm going to do and say things with them that I don't say or do with a typical friend. It feels stifled. And I want to blame someone. I can't blame him. I can't blame me. I can try as hard as I want to blame his family. Sometimes that makes me feel better. But it usually doesn't. I can't control his family and I can't control him, so "blame" falls back on the only thing I have control over - me. But I don't want blame. Blame is negative. Responsibility? Maybe, but that sounds so sterile and too mature. Love isn't mature. It's not on the maturity spectrum. 

---

God Is Unconditional Love

We use so many different words to describe a singular idea: love. God, Higher Power, Divine, Christ, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Yahweh, Jehovah, Lord, Maker, Light, Earth, Sun, Sky, Gaia, Spirit, Father, Mother, and the hundreds more I've missed. The word you use is deeply personal and powerful to you. The thing that transcends all religion, creed, race, and location and is a single thread of commonality woven into each of these words: love. God is not just love. God is unconditional love. God does not "love the sinner, not the sin." That is conditional love and not of God.

If you're part of a family hoping their gay son will get scared away from a man who loves them and come back to you, admitting defeat, wanting your acceptance again, and hoping they want to be welcomed back into the church...think about the damage you've done to their brain. Why would you wish heartache on someone? Why would you wish pain? Why would you wish lost love? It's not about whether you "agree" with their "choice" (because being gay isn't a choice), it's about being a parent and having unconditional and "god-like" love for your child. Having unconditional love despite their gayness is conditional love. Unconditional love isn't "love the sinner, not the sin." In fact, unconditional love doesn't place the judgement of sin on anyone, ever.

Unconditional love:

• doesn't attach strings
• doesn't pose judgement
• doesn't sling malice
• doesn't harbor resentment
• doesn't entertain anger
• doesn't house hatred
• doesn't possess fear
• doesn't hold animosity
• doesn't fling insult
• doesn't abuse
• and doesn't disown

I don't know if this will ever happen, but if the parents or family members of any of the men I briefly talked about above ever read this, I hope you've been able to put your pride aside and see not only the awful things you've done to your son and your family, but the pain you've caused the people that love/d him. There are reparations to be made beyond your son and far beyond me.

Forgiveness

Do you deserve forgiveness? Probably not. What you have done is truly the worst thing you could do to another soul: tell them you love them and intentionally hurt them in the name of said love. It is despicable, reprehensible, disgusting, offensive, vile, wicked, and just plain bad. And the thing is, the forgiveness I've seen asked for by families who have behaved in such a way isn't pure.

The forgiveness asked for comes across as 1) Ignoring: "Let's both agree to just ignore what happened. I'll ignore you're gay and you ignore I beat/hurt/disowned you, okay?", 2) Victim Blaming: "You know, if you would have just toned it down a little bit, none of this would have happened. If you wouldn't have advertised your sexual orientation, this wouldn't have happened.", and/or 3) Pity Party: "I had such a hard childhood/adolescence/time that I didn't know how to react. If my life wasn't so hard, I would have been better - woe is me, I have it so much worse off than you (the person I hurt)."

Would you forgive anyone who came to you with any of those attitudes? Neither would I. Sincerely asking for forgiveness is one of the most vulnerable states you could ever put yourself in. You'll have an idea you're doing it right when it's no longer about you and it's all about the person you've wronged. You're doing it right if you listen and understand why what you've done is so terrible. And you're doing it right if you not only say you won't ever do anything like it again, but you actually don't.

I Have Survivor's Guilt

Why did I survive and they didn't?

Why did I get great parents and they didn't?
Why did I get a great extended family and they didn't?
Why did I receive unconditional love and they didn't?
Why did I bypass abuse and they didn't?
Why did I leave the church so drama-free when they didn't?
Why did I escape suicide and they didn't?

I should feel so lucky.
I should be so grateful.
I should act so thankful.

I do all of those. But I feel guilt.

If there is one thing you leave with after reading this, I hope it's the realization that, when it comes to people's problems and comparing them to your own: If it's not one thing, it's another. We all have our own unique set of life experiences leading us to handle situations differently and feel situations differently. I know when the day comes that I'm rich that I will certainly solve my "poor" problems, but I'll be trading them in for other problems I can't even understand yet.

Even though I have great parents and don't have the abusive baggage so many in my community have, it doesn't mean I don't have my own issues and my own issues related to that same abuse, though not directly aimed at me. So, I'm going to own that I'm a Survivor. I'm going to own having Survivor's Guilt. I'm going to own the pain from those conditionally loving families. I'm going to own having great parents.

10 Things You Say & Ask That Are 10x More Offensive Than You Even Realize

Many would expect my first blog back from a month-long European excursion would have something to do with Europe...maybe even just a little.

This is not that blog.

Here are ten things you say and ask that are ten times more offensive than you even realize.

Enjoy!

1.  "Homo"

This word is like the "N-word" - just as it is oddly appropriate for one black person to call another black person the N-word, it is also oddly appropriate for one gay person to call another gay person a homo. If you're straight, you are automatically disqualified from using that word without it being offensive.

2.  "Fag"

Sometimes people think this word is like the "N-word." But it's not. This word is offensive no matter who says it - gay, straight, or otherwise. It's sole purpose is to be offensive. So, if you never want me to speak to you, make eye contact with you, or even acknowledge your existence any more, by all means, call me a fag.

3.  "So, who's the woman in the relationship?"

This question is infuriating and the explanation why is rather long, so hang in there. We must first start with a discussion on gender. What is gender - innate or learned? Most gender studies experts will tell you that the concept of gender is a societal phenomenon, meaning gender constructs (stereotypes) are created by the society at large and then projected onto each individual in the society. For example, it seems that boys play with trucks and girls play with dolls because society says so, not because that is necessarily the toy they truly want to play with.

The next discussion involves heteronormativity. We live in a heteronormative culture, meaning it is expected, essentially from birth, that boys are attracted to girls and girls are attracted to boys. Laws of marriage are an example of heteronormativity in our government. Our culture feels compelled, then, to compare everything not conforming to heteronormativity to their heteronormative experiences and stereotypes.

This is where we get to the offensiveness of questioning a member of a gay couple as to which one of them is the "woman" in the relationship: the obvious answer, and the correct answer, is NEITHER OF THEM. One of the requirements of being gay is that both members of the gay couple must be the same gender. That's kind of the point behind identifying as such.

3.1. "But you know what I mean...one is always more feminine..."

That may sometimes be true with your heteronormative definitions of "masculine" and "feminine," but you must know by now that most gays don't care much for gender stereotypes and almost definitely don't have the same archaic and ignorant view of gender as you.

Take a moment and ask yourself if you think gender is black and white with no gray. In my opinion, there is plenty of gray area - gender is a gradient of personality characteristics and ways in which one identifies with themself.  Did you know there are even some cultures that classify gays as a third gender? 

In short, we don't appreciate having your heteronormative way of thought imposed on our relationships. In my case, my BOYfriend and I both identify as male, and that's that. Have some respect.

4. "Are you the top or the bottom?"

This question is only (sometimes) appropriate for one gay to ask another gay. The question implies a lot of gender stereotypes when asked by a straight person. No, the top is not the "man" in the relationship and the bottom is not the "woman." Refer to number 3.

5.  "...gay friend..."

5.1. "I love having you as my gay friend!" OR "You're/He's my best gay friend!"

If you can't simply refer to me as your "friend," I'm sure as hell not going to be your "gay friend."

5.2. "I have a gay friend!"

Also, the fact that you might have a "gay friend" doesn't mean you and I are instantly friends nor does it undo any possible homophobia you possess.

5.2.1. "You would love my gay friend!"

Nor does it mean I need to be set up with your "gay friend."

6.  "No homo."

This pretty much explains it all:

Unfortunately, the original video I had here has disappeared, so this will stand in for now!

7. "That's so gay."

"When say 'That's so gay,' do you realize what you say? Knock it off."

8. "Homosexual"

Strangely enough, the Safe Schools Coalition of Washington's Glossary for School Employees best describes this outrageously outdated term for what it really is:  offensive.

"Avoid this term; it is clinical, distancing, and archaic. Sometimes appropriate in referring to behavior (although same-sex is the preferred adjective). When referring to people, as opposed to behavior, homosexual is considered derogatory and the terms gay and lesbian are preferred..."

"Homosexual" focuses all attention on sex.  It's like the word becomes

homosexual.

Personally, I'm used to seeing this word in Mormon stuff on "same-sex attraction" or "SSA." (Another term I find offensive.)  The Church, at one time, focused their anti-gay literature on sex.  Sex sex sex.  Since sex is taboo in general in the LDS Church, GAY sex is the ultimate taboo, so using words like

homosexual or same-sex attraction

remind the reader how bad it is to be a homosexual.  So now I know, If you use this word, you don't know what you're talking about and your words have no merit.  Being gay involves a lot more than just sex.

9.  "*offensive-foot-in-mouth-shit*...Oh you know what I mean!"

You know what?  I don't know what you mean.

In gay culture, word choice means a lot.  What's in a word?  Well, you can't call me a fag, but you can call me gay.  You can't call me a homo, but my boyfriend can call me a homo.  Nobody can call me a faggot, but you can sometimes call me queer.  But you sure as hell better not call me a homosexual.  I'm gay.  Get the idea?

There are a lot of words thrown around to describe or identify LGBTQ... people.  Some are universally offensive while some are nichely offensive (see that word I invented there?).  Some words aren't necessarily offensive, but better ones could be used in their place.

Both gays and straights could use some practice in honoring a person's chosen identity labels. For example, I identify as a gay man.  That's a pretty boring statement if you've never been compelled to question your sexual orientation or gender before.  But for those of us that have, we know a statement like that is existence defining.  I know I am a man in a male body who is attracted to men.  I feel lucky to have never struggled with my gender identity, just my sexual identity.  Dealing with both sounds like a burden I couldn't handle.

All I'm trying to say here is to think before you speak.  Take your time and choose your words. If you're unsure of how to say something as to not offend, then ASK.  Don't stick your foot in your mouth and expect a simple "You know what I mean!" to make up for it.

10.  Shit Girls Say To Gay Guys

And lastly, everything in this video:

I Believe

"I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows..."

Wait...no, no.  Don't worry.  I'm not going to start out with a cheesy LeAnn Rimes song.  No, what I want to talk about is all my traditionally sacrilegious beliefs.

Yep, you guessed it!  A list:

My Sacrilegious Articles of Faith

God...doing science

1. I believe there are other intelligent beings in our universe that we may one day contact.
2. I believe I will one day have my own planet. 
3. I believe I can have spirit children with another man. 
4. I believe Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene.
5. I believe Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene had children with each other. 
6. I believe the "Plan of Salvation" also fits for LGBT+ individuals. 
7. I believe in aliens...to an extent. 
8. I believe LDS prophets are men, not divine beings speaking only truth. 
9. I believe I have a Heavenly Father as well as a Heavenly Mother. 
10. I believe God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three separate and individual beings united in purpose. 
11. I believe polygamy should be legal - as well as any other type of polyamory. 
12. I believe I was gay in the pre-existence.
13. I believe I was born gay.
14. I believe I will be gay in the next life. 
15. I believe "being gay" is part of my soul. 
16. I believe a woman has the right to choose whether to carry her baby to full term or abort it. 
17. I believe in the powerful potential of stem cells and in fully funding stem cell research. 
18. I believe gender and sexuality are not solidified and constant. 
19. I believe God is the perfect scientist. 
20. I believe women can lead religious congregations. 
21. I believe.

Wooooo....I'm so liiiiiiiberrrrrrrallllllll!

Go ahead, un-follow me, defriend me, un... + me?  Or just comment - that's more fun for both of us anyway.

MONO Lessons (Part XVI: 321 - 342)

Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons

---

321. I like him.  I like him a lot.

322. I haven’t had the opportunity to be just friends with someone before dating them.  The transition is so pleasant and non-nerve-racking.  Natural, if you will.

323. I suddenly like the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette…hmmm…

324. It’s even weirder to have completed Psychology of Love a couple of months ago and now beginning an actual new relationship.  Talk about textbook…

325. I CAN MAKE GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, & EGG-FREE OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES!!!  Epic day.  07/11/10.

326. That woman lives her life through her pain-body.  How sad.

327. Minds can change extremely fast.

328. I have identified five collective pain-bodies in which I have a stake:

a. The American Gay (LGBTQ+) Pain-Body

b. The Mormon (LDS) Pain-Body

c. The Gay Mormon Pain-Body

d. The Food Allergy Pain-Body

e. The Gluten-Intolerant/Celiac Pain-Body

329. I find hidden Mickey’s in my everyday life.

330. I’m capable of sending and receiving an “It’s me” voicemail.

331. The past can truly be haunting.

332. “D-BOX” isn’t dirty, it’s just a vibratey seat!

333. When I like a movie enough, I can see it 5 times in 15 days.  Inception rocks.

334. Monday, August 30, 2010:  Kidney stone.  Worst.  Pain.  EVER.

335. Guess what?  Potassium, still only inching it’s way up.  I have far more blood tests than I would prefer.

336. If they changed their mind and “accepted” me, I don’t think I would go back.  The damage is done.

337. Clubbing is much more tolerable with a significant other.

338. Blogging is like therapy.

339. Protests and rallies are like therapy.

340. Wendover is so sleazy it’s spectacular.

341. Gambling is kinda stupid…

342. Saying “my boyfriend” makes me all giddy.  *sigh*

Ignorant Remarks, Insensitive Timing - Their Injurious Consequences and the Impending Paradigm Shift

I knew it was going to take something BIG to get me blogging again.  If you hadn't noticed, I've been MIA for a while now...since August 18th, to be exact.  I've been away for a number of reasons, but it all amounts to this:  I have so much to say, so much going on inside my head, and so little time, that I quit writing altogether.  But I can't stay silent any longer.  A talk given by Elder Boyd K. Packer this last weekend put me over the edge.  Unfortunately, this is the BIG thing bringing me back to blogging life.  

So here we go.

The month of September brought us 4 nationally publicized suicides (6+, if you look a little deeper) of LGBT individuals.  It also brought us the blocking of a bill that would allow for the repeal of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy.

If you are interested, here is a wonderful description of the recent DADT events in the US Senate.  Thank you for laying it out for us, Ms. Maddow:

(Video URL:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/39298345#39298345)

"Senators, your culture war is showing."

And then the suicides.  This clip from Ellen DeGeneres is chill-inducing in the last 5 seconds.

"Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it."

---

This brings us to conference weekend.  HERE is the talk in any format you could imagine.

(Disclaimer:  The TEXT version has been edited by the LDS Church to read differently than the words spoken in the audio and video versions.  I guess it's kind of a step in the right direction...kind of...?  Not really...  Details HERE.)

Now that we're all on the same page, here are my comments.  I avoided Facebook commenting too much because this is how I choose to display my opinion regarding this talk.  It's all here.  If I change my mind or have more to say, I'll write more in the coming days, weeks, and months.

It seemed like this talk was going to be about pornography, but it takes some very strange turns...  I have 4 quotes to scrutinize which I have transcribed from the Audio/Video versions - the original words heard by the world and not necessarily relayed in the edited text version.

1.

"We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong."

A monogamous same-sex relationship in no way deviates from the principles of the gospel.  However, it is interpreted that since both members of the duo are of the same sex, this relationship is "unnatural."  "Unnatural" is a synonym for "wrong" in the LDS Church.  I believe life is too complicated to be described by plug outlets and pipe joints.  Of course a male joint won't attach to another male joint.  But you know what?  I'm not a plug.  I'm a human being.  I believe my biology, psychology, physiology, and spirituality are a bit more intricate than a plug's.  My point is, it's not black and white.  No matter how many times I say that, the people who think it is black and white are too insane (I mean that quite literally) to even consider other thinking.  You only become sane when you realize your own and the world's insanity - and change.

Who are you to define what is "natural" and what is not?  Lack of understanding about something doesn't make it "unnatural."  Take gravity, for instance.  I'm in physics and I know physicists know NOTHING about gravity.  It's the weirdest force.  It hasn't yet been "combined" with all of the other forces.  That's the purpose of the various grand unified theories out there (like String Theory).  Being the physics nerd I am, then, I have to pick at Elder Packer's quote about voting to change the law of gravity.

2.

"...if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate, but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God's laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce, for instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do?  There are both moral and physical laws irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundation of the world that cannot be changed.  History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot."

He does not give any examples of his last statement.  He then goes on to say that various societies are trying to legalize what is "basically wrong or evil."

The thing is, our understanding of gravity is changing, and it's changing radically every day.  In the meantime, it keeps working the way it always has and always will.  To fit it correctly into a grand unified theory, we have to CHANGE OUR THINKING about how gravity works.  We've had to nearly start over with gravity!  We are choosing, even voting, to change our thinking!  We aren't changing the law of gravity, we're changing how we think about the law of gravity.

The same thing is happening with LGBT+ issues.  Gays, lesbians, etc., etc., have been around forever and always will be.  But we're social outcasts.  We don't fit into the grand unified theory the heterosexuals have set forth.  Hence, thinking has to change.  It is changing.  Thinking about sexuality, sexual orientation, gender, gender identification, psychology, physiology, spirituality...everything!  It's all changing.

The paradigm is shifting.

And again, here we have the Church telling its members how to vote.  I do not need to expound on this here since I have before.  Click HERE for more information and my personal opinion on the matter.

3.

"Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural.  Not so!  Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?  Remember, he is our father."

I've said it a million times.  I was born gay.  I also believe I was gay in the pre-existence and will be gay in the afterlife.  Elder Packer uses the question "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" in exact opposition to its true intention.

Why would our Heavenly Father create someone with inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural?  He wouldn't.  I truly believe that.  To me, this then implies"homosexuality" isn't impure and unnatural.  I was born with that trait, therefore it is pure and natural.  It's that simple.  You have no authority to tell me otherwise.

Here, Elder Packer is also implying sexual orientation is changeable.  With all due respect, Elder Packer, if you willfully change your sexual orientation, then maybe I'll take a second look at the decades of science proving you utterly wrong.

4.

"Agency is precious." 

Why does this church place so much verbal value on agency, yet never advise its members to use their agency.  Agency is more than choosing the "right choice" or the "wrong choice."  It's the act of getting down on your knees and conversing with your God.  Talk to Him and discover what the best option is for you at that time.  It's so disappointing that these words will now go into the minds of most Mormons as doctrine, as direct inspiration and word from God.  These apostles and prophets are human too, you know.  They have their opinions just as we do.  It is each individual member's responsibility to pray about the words they hear at conference for confirmation or cancellation of their divine nature.  It is my opinion that the words in this talk are those of an angry, out-of-touch old man, bitter about his Proposition 8 being overturned by the court system.  These words are not divine.

If someone reading this does choose to get down on their knees and truly ask for guidance regarding these complex LGBT+ issues, try to clear your mind and go into it seeking the best answer - not the answer you expect or are looking for.  Two years ago just before election time '08 when I "outed" myself via Facebook, I had a former friend of mine converse with me about my sexuality through Facebook messages.  Needless to say, this person was convinced I was in the wrong and I gently encouraged them to pray about the subject.  Three days later I received a message from them telling me they received their answer and I was indeed living in sin.  Three days.  Three.  Days.  It took me 10 years to get my answer.  What an ignorant and disrespectful slap in the face.  I believe my point has been made.

---

Evil.  Immoral.  Unrepentant.  Sinful.  Unrighteous.  Disobedient.  Tempted.  Wrong.  Unnatural.  Wicked.  Impure.  Unworthy.

That's a list of words describing ME used by an apostle of what I usually call "my Church."  I'm again questioning why I call it that.

Why do I keep standing up for you, Church?  When a non-member says something like, "Why do they listen to these old men anyway?", why do I try to explain why?  It's a culture.  How on earth do you explain an entire culture to somebody from a different culture?  I am weary, Church.  I can't...I WON'T...stand up for you any more.  If the teachings coming out of you are true and good, they don't need an explanation - they don't need to be defended!  I'm not doing it any more!  I don't even know why I've been doing it or who I've been doing it for over the past few years.  I'm beginning to realize I haven't been doing it for me...  So I quit.  Claiming membership with you means I have to live with a perpetual knife sticking out of my back.  Talks like this give it a nice twist.  How do I pull out the knife without bleeding to death?

I have thick skin and individuals can say whatever they want to or at me.  But that's not the point.  It's the fact that an entire culture is this way...a culture of which I used to be a part.  It's heartbreaking.

---

Ideas and quotes from others that I would like to address:

1.  It's freedom of speech.  Obviously this is true.  The greatest blessing and consequence of having the right to free speech is that others have the right to freely scrutinize and challenge your speech with theirs.  The thing is, in the LDS Church, this speech is now considered doctrine from God.  Try arguing the word of God with a devout Mormon.  It's a hopeless cause.  You swirl around in mindless double-speak and babble until you quit.  There are far too many Mormons who do not apply their agency and access to personal revelation to the words of the apostles and prophets.  They take it for doctrine and that's that.  End of story.  It's impossible to converse with someone who's key debate point is "the word of God."  Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but nobody is entitled to be a bigot.

2.  He is a good man with good intentions.  That very well may be, but good intention does not imply good message.

3.  "Love the sinner, not the sin."  This classic cliche is bullshit.  Anyone who has been a "victim" of someone acting like this knows it.  You can see it in their eyes...they think your are as worthless as the "sin."  People who treat others this way just ooze a holier-than-thou attitude, but they don't know it.  If you're going to tell me you love me despite the fact that I'm a sinner, I don't want your love.  "But we're all sinners!"  What a happy-go-lucky way to think of life.

4.  I tolerate gays.  Mormons tolerate gays.  If I remember correctly, Christ didn't teach "Tolerate thy neighbor" or "Tolerate one another."  Tolerate is NOT a synonym for love.  When Mormons say they tolerate us, they mean reluctantly accept the immoral decisions we have made that are sending us to hell.  What a painful message to convey to all of the gay, lesbian, bi, trans...different children, teens, and adults in your sacrament meeting, primary class, Sunday school class, young men's class, and young women's class.  With so much silent hatred bombarding us from our Churches, our families, our "friends," our schools, our communities...it's no wonder a number of individuals begin to believe they are worthy of the hatred and end their own life.

5.  "Homosexuality."  This word has nearly no meaning any more - especially when an uninformed or ignorant person uses it.  Diversify your vocabulary.  You can start by asking "homosexuals" how they choose to label their sexuality.  Trust me, that question is not offensive if asked sincerely.

6.  "Homosexuality" is a temptation to be overcome.  I'm going to let John Shore with the Huffington Post take this one for me.  'Just Resist the Temptation': The Anti-Love Approach to Homosexuality

7.  What was said at conference was nothing new.  How true this is!  In fact, it was a throwback to 1972!  The timing of this repeated message makes the message more vile than it already is.  Just as the LGBT+ community thought it was making some ground due to the Church's recently silent stance on "homosexuality"...just as Prop 8 is beginning the overturning process...  Then just as Congress blocks a clause allowing the military to repeal DADT...just as we hear of the 6+ suicides in the month of September alone.  The timing and tone of Packer's message is repulsive.

8.  A protest won't help anything.  The opinions about protests and rallies that I have read are fascinating to me.  Reading them sent me all over the map with my own opinion.  In the end, I decided a rally is what I make of it.  I'm not protesting the Church's right to free speech.  I'm protesting the timing of it and the hatred and misinformation conveyed in it.  I don't want more LGBT+ individuals to take their lives over these issues.  I want to be part of a community outreach.  Let's use this as another way to bring awareness and stimulate conversation.  I am not following a flock and I don't appreciate being told whether I should join a rally or not.  I'm not a mindless drone.  I can make decisions for myself.  I thought very deeply about the role I wanted to play in this rally.

With 4,500+ showing up, I believe it helped something.

---

Final thoughts:

The divisiveness I have seen among the LGBT+ community over this has been utterly eye-opening.  And not in the happy way.  I am learning there are separate and distinct factions of gay activists in this valley.  I guess that's how it always goes with a minority.  One group wants things done this way, another group wants it done another way.  Be careful...  Can't we just use this as a time to unite?

I am exhausted.  I am tired.  I am weary.  I am brokenhearted.  I am disappointed.  I am aching, trembling, crying.  I am overwhelmed.  I am sad, mad, and angry.

How many suicides is it going to take?

When I was a Peter Priesthood years ago, I used to be offended when non-members would say Mormons were not Christian.  "But we believe in Christ!"  "Of course you do, but you aren't Christlike."  It makes sense to me now.  Being Christian is more than believing in Christ - it's also being Christlike.  Unfortunately, far too many Mormons are NOT exhibiting Christlike behavior.

To my friends and family:

Without your love and support, I shudder to think where my life would be today - if I would even still be here.  Your love, support, and empathy take the edge off of the overwhelming emotions continually stirred by this culture.  My heart breaks for those friends of mine without the same support I have, especially from my family.  I wish I could somehow offer a solace to those without this system of support.

So to those of you reading this, I ask this.  Please be that loving, understanding, empathetic support that so many of us LGBTs need so desperately.  Take the time to understand the complexities surrounding all of the issues LGBT individuals face every day.  Go into it without preconception.  You'll be enlightened.

Thank you for reading.  I am now going on a much-needed weekend getaway.  The week's ignorance has exhausted me.

Farewell.

Blast from the past: Prop 8, Mormons, Founders, Voting, Agency, Revelation, and some Betrayal...sounds like a good read!

This is a Jason Hoggan Facebook Note original. Post date May 27, 2009 at 1:52AM, so I am re-posting it exactly a year later. Anyway, the title is "Prop 8, Mormons, Founders, Voting, Agency, Revelation, and some Betrayal...sounds like a good read!"  Enjoy.

---

This is a rather unique Note. As many of you that are reading this already know, last election season I officially got my feathers ruffled by a few too many people, and one specific religious organization, to keep quiet any longer. I loudly voiced my opinion on gay marriage, told a rather brief yet detailed version of my “story,” and also unintentionally outed myself to many many people through all of this. This Note is a more detailed and thoughtful description of why I became so upset at the LDS Church and their involvement with Proposition 8 in California during election season 2008.

I was taught from a very young age that my Church would never tell its members how to vote. Every year around election season, the bishop would read (and still does) a letter from the First Presidency that states the LDS Church never endorses a political candidate or a political party. They would never tell us how to vote; just encourage us to do so.

It’s election time 2008. Proposition 8 is brewing in California and across the country. What happens first is, the Church does a special television broadcast that airs most notably in California. In this broadcast, Church members are asked to donate their time and “contribute in whatever way they can to the effort to pass Proposition 8, including by phoning.” Members were also encouraged to spread the word via text messaging, e-mail, and blogging. The Church’s statement ends with, “As a church, we do not get involved in supporting candidates or political parties, but when there are moral issues, the First Presidency has always felt that it was important for our members to stand up and support those that are significant to the gospel of Jesus Christ and the restored Church. And so we, without concern, go to the membership of the Church, after the call of the First Presidency, to ask you to give your best to this most significant effort to support, in every way possible, the sacred institution of marriage as we know it to be” (1).

Now that we have established some context, let me get through one more touchy topic before I give my opinion on the above statement. It appears that many Mormons heeded to the call from the First Presidency and “contribut[ed] in whatever way they [could] to the effort to pass Proposition 8.” However, many chose to contribute their money along with their time. Now, the LDS Church has stated that no tithing money went to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign. They also outline their direct contributions totaling just under $190,000 (2). Honestly, this is pocket change to the Church and is really not a big deal…even if tithing money was used. (But just in case it was, I donated $25 to the No on Prop 8 campaign to offset any of my money that went to Yes.)

What is much more significant is the amount of money that Church members donated to the Yes campaign. The New York Times and Mormons for 8 (rather boastfully) report that, of the $40 million raised by Yes on Prop 8, 40-50% of those donations were from Mormon Church members (3). This is $16-$20 million we are talking here. To establish more context, around 770,000 LDS Church members live in California. This is approximately 2% of the state’s population (4). So, if the Proposition 8 battle stayed in California, this means that every single Church member in California would have had to donate $26 to reach the grand total of $20 million. Obviously, the money poured in form Mormons from all across the country, including a rather generous $1 million contribution from the (Utah resident) grandson of former Church President David O. McKay (5).

Finally, as I have mentioned in previous Notes, the Church also set up this website in support of “traditional marriage” and to promote Proposition 8:  http://www.preservingmarriage.org/. I have never seen anything from the LDS Church so blatantly advocating a political position. Scroll down to the bottom of the homepage. There you will read “An Official Web site of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints” followed by the copyright and the Church’s logo.

The part of the Church’s statement that bothers me the most is the assertion that they do not support political parties or candidates, but, “when there are moral issues” involved, the Church feels it is important to take action. As I see it, they are 1. supporting a political stance and 2. confusing moral issues with civil issues. This is why I got mad:

I have a testimony of the founding of our great nation. I have always believed that our Founding Fathers were inspired with the seemingly radical ideas they had. They were inspired when debating, negotiating, and writing our Constitution. This document is the basis of our country’s government and has become an icon for civil rights. I do understand that when the Constitution was first written, rights were really only given to white, male, land-owning Protestants. Times were obviously different. But as time has gone by, women, black and all other races and ethnicities, as well as non-land-owners and those of all religious faiths have been given full rights. But let me get back to my point here. The Constitution is arguably a civil rights document that is based on the reasons that people even came to America in the first place. One of those main reasons is to flee religious persecution.

I believe that the United States came about so that the Gospel could be restored. There is no other place in the world where it could have happened. It needed to be in a place with a “fresh start,” new ideas, and new government. We have been taught that this land was set aside so this could occur. The religious freedoms that were set in place by our nation’s government and Constitution were the first great stepping stone in this plan.

Growing up in the LDS Church and always having a peculiar interest in the founding of the United States, I grew to appreciate what an immense blessing it is to live in this nation. The freedoms we have are unmatched anywhere else in the world and we are unbelievably lucky to be here. One specific right I learned to cherish is the individual right to vote. Even at a young age I began to grasp the importance and responsibility of casting a vote. Those of you that know me well have seen how overly disgusted I get when I hear someone won’t or didn’t vote. I was just taught that I am extremely privileged to have a say in our government and I should utilize that right and not take it for granted. The right to vote is a form of legally granted agency. We can choose to vote for whatever or whomever we want.

Agency is one of the most talked about topics/doctrines in the LDS Church. We are taught that we have always had agency and very notably used it when we chose to follow God’s plan and come here to earth and receive a body. Agency leads us to our most immense trials, our greatest happiness, our deepest sadness, and our individual uniqueness. We use our agency every minute of our lives. The greatest thing about agency is it is OURS. No one has the right, let alone the ability, to take away our agency. We are forever accountable for our own choices. At times this seems awful accept so many consequences, and others it feels glorious to reap the many rewards.

Agency is where I feel the Church crossed the line. Yes, the Church did not support a political party (though that is questionable with this issue) or a political candidate. But I felt betrayed on far too many levels. When I was young, I remember listening to the bishop read that letter in sacrament meeting and interpreting that the Church would never ever ever tell their members how to vote on anything. How naïve that was of me to think (and of my family to teach me). The Church also teaches that, along with agency, comes personal revelation. It is shocking that the Church would insist that members vote for Proposition 8 rather than encouraging them to kneel down before the Lord and pray about it and all the other political issues we are facing. This way each member would have been encouraged have their own conversation with the Lord on the topic and develop their own opinion and stance on the issue. Instead of encouraging doctrine, the Church encouraged members to blindly follow the will of the First Presidency.

I find it absolutely revolting that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would infringe on their member’s agency by advocating that they vote Yes on Proposition 8. The Church teaches of the blessings of this country, the miracle of the gospel being restored on this chosen land, and the rapture to be found in the freedoms we enjoy here. It is utterly hypocritical for the Church to encourage its members to donate time and money to, and suggest they vote for, a cause that limits the basic civil rights of their own neighbors, friends, and family members. What on earth could be more anti-Christian? Without this country and its freedoms, there is no way the Church would have ever survived. I had already felt quite betrayed by my Church and its stance on homosexuality, but their involvement with Proposition 8 was the last straw for me.

I have three short responses to the Church’s statement. First, I took your advice and spread the word through texting and blogging…only I think I said exactly opposite of what you were suggesting. Next, the idea that gay marriage (and homosexuality in general) is a moral issue is incomprehensible. It is undoubtedly a civil rights issue. Finally, I will never again trust the LDS Church’s politically neutral stance. This stance is fraudulent. In the same sentence, they say they would never tell their members how to vote while then clearly stating, “without concern,” to vote Yes on Proposition 8.

I hope this gives a clearer understanding of why I did what I did and said what I said last election season. Obviously, I focused on less personal frustrations I have with the Church in this Note. Just the fact that I am a gay member of the LDS Church leads to enough frustration and heartache, but to then have this organization blatantly advocate against what I know to be right was just a twist of the knife already in my back.

As always, comments are welcome; they are also screened. Below you will see the sources I used. And yeah, I think that’s it. Thanks for reading, for your interest, and even your support.

~~Jason

1. http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/news-releases-stories/church-readies-members-on-proposition-8
2. http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/media-reports-on-proposition-8-filing-uninformed
3. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/15/us/politics/15marriage.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3&hp, http://mormonsfor8.com/?p=154
4. http://mormonsfor8.com/, among many others; Google it
5. http://societyandreligion.com/secret-million-dollar-mormon-donor-to-prop-8-revealed/811/