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Don't Be So Hard
"Don't be so hard on yourself."
It's not attractive.
It's not productive.
Your darkest bruises are from your own mind.
Do the blotches and scars help you heal?
Do they help you forget?
How about forgive?
Move on?
Or do they help you remember to punish yourself every second of every day?
To look in the mirror with pure hatred and disgust?
To regret what you did?
What you said?
What you didn't do?
What you didn't say?
Do they help you remember what you lost?
Do they help you remember how much you fucked up?
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Do the track marks lead you to any happiness?
Or only to more sorrow and depression?
Did you ever think you might enjoy the pain and drama more than peace and calm? What an unpleasant, painful way to live.
Lighten up. Live a little. Step out of your comfort corner.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You Find Out Who Your Friends Are
Some of you may find this sarcastic and rude, some of you may find this loving and sincere. You're all correct...it's everything, but I certainly have no intention to offend. Sure, there is a slight "airing of grievances" feel, but it's just a jumble of my thoughts.
You find out who your friends are when they visit you regularly,
When they support you at your job by SPENDING MONEY to see your work's latest play or attraction,
When they don't complain about the price of your work's shows or admission,
When they don't ask you if they can get in for free or for a discount,
When they know your job title,
When they know what your actual job duties are (If you spend the time explaining them, that is.),
When they know your major,
When they know your minor...s,
When they come to Europe with you,
When they do all they can to go to Europe with you but just plain can't go,
When they stab you in the back,
When they leave and never come back,
When they leave without saying goodbye,
When they tell you all the things you do that drive them absolutely insane but let you do them anyway because it doesn't really matter,
When they won't tell you what's bugging them and keep it all inside until they either fade away or blow up in your face,
When they say "I love you,"
When they say "I hate you,"
When they call you a fag,
When they call you a bitch (or betch),
When they like your boyfriend so much they can hang out together without you,
When they put on a gas mask for you,
When they make a fool of themselves in front of you,
When they let you vent about your frustrations with the LDS Church and just say "I know! I'm so sorry! It sucks!" rather than starting a fruitless debate,
When they accept a present from you,
When they fail to accept a present from you,
When they give you a present,
And when they ask you what you'd like for a present so you receive something you'd actually like to have.
MONO Lessons (Part XVIII: 366 - 382)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
366. The more I think about it, the more I want nothing to do with anything Mormon.
367. I need somebody to type my autobiography while I just blab away about my bizarre and somewhat heartbreaking past.
368. I don’t believe in “love at first sight.” However, I’m a strong believer in “like at first sight” and an even stronger believer in “lust at first sight.”
369. I have some unresolved issues with him.
370. She can hold out for a whole month!
371. I’m acting like a teenager and I’m fine with it.
372. Daiquiri Ice is DAIRY FREE!
373. Physics is more phun when I can phocus on it.
374. If I need a new kidney, YOU are waking up in an ice bath. Just sayin’…
375. I'm pretty rational about flying off the handle. – AEW
376. When I’m annoyed, I can’t hide it.
377. Don’t have the ice cream. Just don’t.
378. The best part about having a boyfriend is he goes to every freaking concert with me. ☺
379. When finally confronted with a question you’ve been waiting to be asked for years, it can catch you so off guard that you freeze up and avoid answering it the way you’ve rehearsed a million times in your head.
380. 1982 Tron = AWFUL! Seriously. Did Disney really release that to the general public?
381. I have never found a human being more repugnant, cowardly, and disgraceful than those two and I haven’t even met them.
382. Somebody dislikes Halloween more than I. And that’s saying something.
Leaves
I want to leave this place.
I want to be somewhere lacking majority;
everyone is minority;
no privilege;
and that's what makes it perfect.
I want to leave this place.
I want to live somewhere I "belong";
extra-long stares and gawks unthinkable;
no double-takes;
and my normal is (your) normal too.
I want to leave this place.
I want to settle somewhere safe;
drama and heartache more bearable;
no knives in back;
and knowing someone has mine.
I want to leave this place.
I want to reside somewhere rich in kahones;
label dodging unnecessary;
no fear of being found out;
and we all have the balls to be.
I want to leave this place.
I want to exist somewhere that gives a damn;
bullying and suicide not taken lightly;
no 'jokes or 'phobes;
and hateful misunderstanding has no clout.
I want to leave this place.
I want to stay somewhere gray;
black and white absurd;
no "my way" nor "highway";
and being is not "just a phase."
I want to leave this place.
I want to dwell somewhere dreamlike;
this destination nonexistent;
nowhere is this blissful;
and what makes me think leaving will help?
Passed Past
Leave me alone!
I'm sick of you!
All you do is nag and complain!
You're so damn needy!
You demand excessive amounts of my attention.
And the worst part? I give it to you.
Why do I keep doing this?
I accept the fact you were part of my life...but we broke up!
Can't we just move on and be cordial?
I keep lying for you...
I keep withholding for you...
I keep hiding for you...
I keep failing for you...
I keep (attempting) to impress for you...
I keep defending you...
I keep missing out...all so you won't hurt me!
Why does my crying excite you?
Some cowardly part of me is still terrified of you and you know it.
And some sick part of me gets off on the fear, misery, and torture you inflict.
Over and over and over again!
I can't help but re-over-analyze you in my head, to my friends, to my family, in my writing, in my talking, in my crying, and in my screaming.
I hate how I let you control me!
No matter how much I think I've put you behind me and officially passed you by... No matter how many times I convince myself I've moved on... No matter what I do, you always creep back into my life and wreak havoc.
Does this mean I'm not where I thought? What am I missing? Where am I in this continuum? What do I need to do to keep you where you belong so you'll stop ruining my Now?
Have I not fully confronted you?
Have I not faced you head on like I thought I have...over and over and over again...?
Which one of us has the unresolved business?
...and what on earth will resolve it?!
I don't want to talk about you any more. I don't want to think about you any more. I deserve to think of happier things. I would much rather waste my time on anything else but you.
I went through your colic-like torment to get where I am Now. And you won't let me forget it. Do you need a thank-you letter or a reward? Do you want some sort of compensation? Do you feel entitled to tortuously remind me how you made me who I am? Who is the victim here, anyway? Just because you're miserable doesn't mean I have to be miserable with you!
I'm sick of your pity party.
Get over yourself.
Just die.
I deserve better than you.
Let me get on with my life; I can't keep waiting to live.
Now where was I...?
The Damage Is Done
You're a fraud
You're a liar
You're a hypocrite
You're despicable
You're disgusting
You're not the role model you think you are
You're not credible
You're ruining people's lives
You're ruining your own...
I can't believe how much I respected you
I can't believe now much I wanted to be you
I can't believe I wasted so much life on you
I can't believe I expended so many brain cells to understand you
...to identify with you
...to commiserate with you
Yet now I despise and resent you
You made me miserable...suicidal
Your latest actions are disgusting
What are you trying to prove?
You can't change it and you know it
Why won't you just shut up and go away now?
You've done enough damage
"Destructive" by LeAnn Rimes
This is one of my very favorite angry, I-hate-the-world, leave-me-alone-I'm-raging-pissed songs. For me, it's all in the lyrics and vocals. For others, it's in screaming and loud noises. Those of you that prefer screaming and loud noises may not appreciate this song the same way I do, but that's okay. Anyway, I got SO excited when I found out she was performing a sessions-type version of this song for Live from Abbey Road. Ever since I first heard this song on her album Whatever We Wanna, I wanted to see her passion when performing it.
Here, at 08:05, LeAnn talks about the song before performing it. The lyrics are provided below.
I cannot embed the video with the 08:05 start time without it autoplaying, so either navigate to that start time or click HERE to go to vimeo and watch starting at that time.
"Destructive" - LeAnn Rimes
If I could smoke a cigarette right now, I would
Rip out of my skin, commit the sins, oh I could
If I could break a heart and throw it all away for just one night
My conscience wouldn't care if I just went ahead and wrecked my life.
I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me
Yeah, yeah…
I'm sick of being perfect
With your perfect little smile
Pick a fight with danger
Be a stranger to myself for a while
I want to come unraveled
And have it out with my soul
I'm tired of all the voices telling me which way to go,
I wish you'd silence your opinion
That's the last thing that I want to know
I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me
I'll fell better when I'm sane
But now I want to feel no pain
I'm really sick of thinking
I just want to be destructive
Oh, oh, oh…yeah…
I want to be destructive
Trash everything in site
Beat the Devil at his game
Abuse myself all night
I want to bitch the world out
One loud aching scream
Don't want anybody wanting anything from me
Yeah, yeah…
Why free-verse poetry?
You may have asked yourself, "Why does Jason write so much in a free-verse poetic style?" The answer is the word "free." I write full-fledged papers and essays for school...not for fun and definitely not for blogs...not when I'm free to write whatever I want, how I want it.
It's nice to not be forced to fully explain my thoughts in ways coherent to people other than me. Free-verse leaves at least some of the interpretation up to the reader. It leaves a pinch of mystery. It's a conversation starter. "So what did you mean when you said..."
So again, "Why does Jason write so much in a free-verse poetic style?" Why not rhyming poetry? Or just rambling paragraphs? I don't really know. Well, I actually borderline hate rhyming, so I know the answer to that one, but the rambling paragraphs? I think the formatting and structure of a poem can say as much as the poem's words. Rambling paragraphs are just that - rambling paragraphs with no structure, no meaning in the layout, no attention to detail, no suggestions for how the piece ought to be read. Solution: free-verse poetry. Maybe I should have written this more like a poem...
The end.
To all the (difficult) parents of gay children:
It's not a phase.
It won't change.
It can't change.
Do you honestly think your child would choose to be this way?
Why would you want your child to change?
Why do you want your child to change?
Why can't you love them the way they are?
It's not like you didn't have a suspicion...
It's not your "fault."
It's not their "fault."
You played enough catch with him.
You had enough tea parties with her.
He had enough interaction with you, dad.
And mom, you weren't "overbearing."
How dare you hit him?
How dare you slap her?
How dare you kick him out of your house?
How dare you call her those names?
How dare you disown your child?
Maybe you don't deserve to have your own child as part of your life anyway.
Don't you get it?
Your religion can't "save" him.
Your counselor can't "fix" her.
What is there to save?
What is there to fix?
Remember that thing called unconditional love?
Use it.
He confided in you because he trusts you.
She told you because she wants, no, needs your support.
What makes him happy?
What gives her joy?
Support that.
The rest will fall into place.
You don't hold the answer.
Neither do they.
Just hop on for the ride.
Take it day by day.
I Hate This
I hate that it has finally come to this.
I hate that he let it get to this.
I hate that he has known this whole time, but did nothing about it.
I hate that everyone has known, yet done nothing.
I hate that it took this for anyone to even begin to care.
I hate his lack of responsibility.
I hate his ignorance.
I hate his attitude.
I hate his "managing."
I hate his micromanaging.
I hate his jealousy.
I hate his "years of experience."
I hate his fakeness.
I hate his lies.
I hate his two-facedness.
I hate saying goodbye.
I hate not having my cubicle sharing partner.
I hated letting go of that hug.
I hate being asked "What can I do to get you to stay?" 2 months too late.
I hate knowing the potential, but not being able so see it come to fruition.
I hate leaving her behind.
I hate knowing someone is being dumped into this situation.
I hate leaving her in the dark.
I hate leaving them.
I hate leaving a creditless legacy.
I hate you for what you've done.
I hate that I have to grieve this like a death.
I hate walking away from my baby.
I hate not being able to fully convey my anger and frustration.
I hate that she had a foot out the door this whole time.
I hate how much I'm going to miss you.
I hate that this is the right decision.
I hate how much I miss them.
I hate this conflict.
I hate that I've done absolutely all I can do.
I HATE leaving this way!
I hate this.
I hate this!
I HATE this!
I HATE THIS!