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Unconditional: Love, Abuse, and Survivor's Guilt
I have a message. I have a story I need to share. I need to share it with families and parents. I need to share it with the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with the families and parents of those part of the LGBTQ+ community. I need to share it with Mormons, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, and Agnostics. I need to share it with my friends and family. I need to share it with my known and unknown enemies. I need to share it with conservatives, liberals, moderates, and the unaffiliated.
I have great parents. I want to state this fact early on so we can set it aside as we move through this together. I have great parents who have never abused me nor disowned me because of my sexual orientation. I have great parents who love me, not despite being gay. They just love me unconditionally. I have great parents, got it? Now let's set this aside.
Because I have great parents, I've been told by many gay people that I should feel so lucky, I should be so grateful, and I should act so thankful. I do feel lucky, I am grateful, and I am thankful. But you know what?
- The families and parents of the men who have so passionately told me those things have hurt me.
- And I have survivor's guilt.
This is my story - it's the story of a gay man growing up in a Mormon family who wasn't abused or disowned by his parents or family, but who has been in relationships with men who have been treated horribly by those who are supposed to be the most loving, and feels guilty about it. I have not been abused and I do not intend to discount the experience of anyone who has been. What I am doing is explaining how I relate to abuse through my own experience and trying my best to stop it from happening to just one person, just one family.
Abuse affects more than the person being abused and exists for longer than the finite amount of time the abuse may happen. Abuse infects the abused. It festers and grows inside of them. It influences every conversation, every relationship they have, forever. It fills them with self-hatred, doubts of ever being "good enough", and worry that abuse will happen again.
I have loved three men who were and are abused and/or disowned by their parents and families. Their abusive parents and families are at the heart of why each relationship ended. The abuse infected each relationship and ultimately killed it. It was a pre-existing condition in each relationship and I haven't been able to realize that until now.
The First Time
This all started when I discovered my new friend, who later became my boyfriend, was in the ER after being physically beaten by a family member because he is gay. I went home and sobbed to my parents about what happened. I felt powerless. He begged me to not call the police, so I didn't. I still regret it.
Later on, when this budded into a romantic relationship, the infection of abuse began to show itself through my partner's jealousy and extreme distrust. I will never admit I was or am the perfect boyfriend. I know there are things I could have done differently to quell some of this, but because distrust was literally beaten into him by someone who was supposed to love him, there was no chance of me "fixing" him. The infection was so beyond me and beyond our relationship that it was impossible to reassemble. It destroyed us in a fury of anger.
The Second Time
Alcoholic by Monica Dranger on flickr
This new friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship when we first met. He wouldn't or couldn't leave. Instead, he would run away with me every so often and I would learn about his current relationship and his abusive family. I fell for him, and him for me. We eventually dated after years of courting. This time, the emotional and physical abuse he endured as a young man showed itself through alcohol and anger. He would drink and I would get yelled at. I would yell back. Two years later, he was drinking before going into work each morning and I realized my partner was an alcoholic that got extremely angry when drunk. This relationship had a violently chaotic ending where both his and my parents got involved. I look back at him calling his abusive father to come and "help" him as supremely twisted. My heart was shattered and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive losing him.
The Third Time
Removing a broken heart by james allen on flickr
This new friend and I clicked so quickly that I didn't bat an eye when he said his relationships with his family were doing okay and were, in general, "not a big deal." Weeks and months went by, becoming closer and closer. I began feeling that all-too-familiar love for him. I happened to tell him about that love the week his "not a big deal" family began to actively and harshly insult, disown, and gossip about him. Saying the word "love" to him was either the best or worst idea I've ever had. Soon after, he came to me saying he couldn't do a romantic relationship with me right now because his heart is too broken over his family. He said he couldn't be his best self with me. He said he needed a friend. Wading through grief, I came out the other side agreeing. This relationship didn't end in an explosion like the other two. But he knows there's still time for that later. ;-)
"I Love You"
These men were all abused by someone who said "I love you." The distrust that grew and festered in them turned into an infectious beast that prevented them from trusting me when I said "I love you" to them. In fact, they were hurt by people in the name of love, by people who love(d) them so much, they were willing to become the villain to save their gay son, brother, uncle, or nephew's soul. This kind of love makes "love" the most confusing word on earth. So please don't tell me about my great parents that I know I have. Talk to me about my first boyfriend being beaten, my second turning to angry alcohol, and the third breaking my heart because of his own broken heart. My heart broke all three times. I'm not unscathed. The families of these men hurt me. Like I said before, I'm not eclipsing their pain, but showing you I have some too.
I am not sitting high nor am I sitting mighty. I actually feel shunned by my own gay community because I have this pain inside me that I'm told I'm not allowed to voice or feel because I'm so lucky. My gay community easily reflects, and even focuses, their familial and outward pain back inward to other gay people. The distortion of love is ruining the futures of so many wonderful people, but we only realize that when we decide we can't take it any more and need something to change. "How's that workin' out for ya?" "Not so great."
Feeling the LOVE by Craig Allen on flickr
I shouldn't have to live part of my life fearing that the word "love" will trigger PTSD in a partner. It's not fair to either of us. It makes me so upset that this happens and that I have no control over it. I like to have control as much as anyone, and I also acknowledge that I only have control over myself - my actions, my words, and my self - but willingly relinquishing control of a situation is immensely difficult when feelings and words like love are in play. Because these men became so frightened of love, I haven't been able to fully express my love. It's like trying to describe experiencing a total solar eclipse - words only do about 20% of the job. When I have to stifle how I express my love, it is distressing and supremely frustrating. I've even been told by one of these men to not change how I expressed my love for them. But I'm not sure they totally understand how impossible that is. If I'm in love with someone, I'm going to do and say things with them that I don't say or do with a typical friend. It feels stifled. And I want to blame someone. I can't blame him. I can't blame me. I can try as hard as I want to blame his family. Sometimes that makes me feel better. But it usually doesn't. I can't control his family and I can't control him, so "blame" falls back on the only thing I have control over - me. But I don't want blame. Blame is negative. Responsibility? Maybe, but that sounds so sterile and too mature. Love isn't mature. It's not on the maturity spectrum.
God Is Unconditional Love
We use so many different words to describe a singular idea: love. God, Higher Power, Divine, Christ, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Yahweh, Jehovah, Lord, Maker, Light, Earth, Sun, Sky, Gaia, Spirit, Father, Mother, and the hundreds more I've missed. The word you use is deeply personal and powerful to you. The thing that transcends all religion, creed, race, and location and is a single thread of commonality woven into each of these words: love. God is not just love. God is unconditional love. God does not "love the sinner, not the sin." That is conditional love and not of God.
If you're part of a family hoping their gay son will get scared away from a man who loves them and come back to you, admitting defeat, wanting your acceptance again, and hoping they want to be welcomed back into the church...think about the damage you've done to their brain. Why would you wish heartache on someone? Why would you wish pain? Why would you wish lost love? It's not about whether you "agree" with their "choice" (because being gay isn't a choice), it's about being a parent and having unconditional and "god-like" love for your child. Having unconditional love despite their gayness is conditional love. Unconditional love isn't "love the sinner, not the sin." In fact, unconditional love doesn't place the judgement of sin on anyone, ever.
Unconditional love:
- doesn't attach strings
- doesn't pose judgement
- doesn't sling malice
- doesn't harbor resentment
- doesn't entertain anger
- doesn't house hatred
- doesn't possess fear
- doesn't hold animosity
- doesn't fling insult
- doesn't abuse
- and doesn't disown
I don't know if this will ever happen, but if the parents or family members of any of the men I briefly talked about above ever read this, I hope you've been able to put your pride aside and see not only the awful things you've done to your son and your family, but the pain you've caused the people that love/d him. There are reparations to be made beyond your son and far beyond me.
Forgiveness
Do you deserve forgiveness? Probably not. What you have done is truly the worst thing you could do to another soul: tell them you love them and intentionally hurt them in the name of said love. It is despicable, reprehensible, disgusting, offensive, vile, wicked, and just plain bad. And the thing is, the forgiveness I've seen asked for by families who have behaved in such a way isn't pure.
The forgiveness asked for comes across as 1) Ignoring: "Let's both agree to just ignore what happened. I'll ignore you're gay and you ignore I beat/hurt/disowned you, okay?", 2) Victim Blaming: "You know, if you would have just toned it down a little bit, none of this would have happened. If you wouldn't have advertised your sexual orientation, this wouldn't have happened.", and/or 3) Pity Party: "I had such a hard childhood/adolescence/time that I didn't know how to react. If my life wasn't so hard, I would have been better - woe is me, I have it so much worse off than you (the person I hurt)."
Would you forgive anyone who came to you with any of those attitudes? Neither would I. Sincerely asking for forgiveness is one of the most vulnerable states you could ever put yourself in. You'll have an idea you're doing it right when it's no longer about you and it's all about the person you've wronged. You're doing it right if you listen and understand why what you've done is so terrible. And you're doing it right if you not only say you won't ever do anything like it again, but you actually don't.
I Have Survivor's Guilt
Why did I survive and they didn't?
Why did I get great parents and they didn't?
Why did I get a great extended family and they didn't?
Why did I receive unconditional love and they didn't?
Why did I bypass abuse and they didn't?
Why did I leave the church so drama-free when they didn't?
Why did I escape suicide and they didn't?
I should feel so lucky.
I should be so grateful.
I should act so thankful.
I do all of those. But I feel guilt.
If there is one thing you leave with after reading this, I hope it's the realization that, when it comes to people's problems and comparing them to your own: If it's not one thing, it's another. We all have our own unique set of life experiences leading us to handle situations differently and feel situations differently. I know when the day comes that I'm rich that I will certainly solve my "poor" problems, but I'll be trading them in for other problems I can't even understand yet.
Even though I have great parents and don't have the abusive baggage so many in my community have, it doesn't mean I don't have my own issues and my own issues related to that same abuse, though not directly aimed at me. So, I'm going to own that I'm a Survivor. I'm going to own having Survivor's Guilt. I'm going to own the pain from those conditionally loving families. I'm going to own having great parents.
Betrayal
I thought I understood betrayal;
deceit;
hypocrisy;
abandonment;
withdrawal;
fraud;
let-down.
Then I grew up.
Life betrayed me that day.
Life stopped going the way I always imagined it would. It's life's fault I feel this way, not mine.
Life took away my love.
Life took away my home.
Life took away my security.
Life took away my clarity.
Life took away my god.
How can I possibly trust again?
Men deceive,
business is fraudulent,
home abandons,
friends let down,
meds withdraw,
and religion is a hypocrite.
Life betrayed me.
How dare Life not Live up to my grandiose, pies-in-the-sky, rainbows-and-unicorns expectations? Pies make a mess when they fall from so high in the sky.
Betrayal has left me bitter and begging for a breath of blissfulness in which my brain can bathe.
I did this to myself. Does that mean I can fix it?
"Drowning" by Mateus Lucena
You Find Out Who Your Friends Are
Some of you may find this sarcastic and rude, some of you may find this loving and sincere. You're all correct...it's everything, but I certainly have no intention to offend. Sure, there is a slight "airing of grievances" feel, but it's just a jumble of my thoughts.
You find out who your friends are when they visit you regularly,
When they support you at your job by SPENDING MONEY to see your work's latest play or attraction,
When they don't complain about the price of your work's shows or admission,
When they don't ask you if they can get in for free or for a discount,
When they know your job title,
When they know what your actual job duties are (If you spend the time explaining them, that is.),
When they know your major,
When they know your minor...s,
When they come to Europe with you,
When they do all they can to go to Europe with you but just plain can't go,
When they stab you in the back,
When they leave and never come back,
When they leave without saying goodbye,
When they tell you all the things you do that drive them absolutely insane but let you do them anyway because it doesn't really matter,
When they won't tell you what's bugging them and keep it all inside until they either fade away or blow up in your face,
When they say "I love you,"
When they say "I hate you,"
When they call you a fag,
When they call you a bitch (or betch),
When they like your boyfriend so much they can hang out together without you,
When they put on a gas mask for you,
When they make a fool of themselves in front of you,
When they let you vent about your frustrations with the LDS Church and just say "I know! I'm so sorry! It sucks!" rather than starting a fruitless debate,
When they accept a present from you,
When they fail to accept a present from you,
When they give you a present,
And when they ask you what you'd like for a present so you receive something you'd actually like to have.
10 Down, 1 To Go - Thank You!
I'm graduating from college in May. On May 4, 2012, to be exact, but who's really keeping track? Then I'm leaving my job and running away to Europe for a month. Sounds amazing and you're extremely jealous of me, right???
Anyway...
First, I want to take a moment to reflect on the past 5 years of my college life and publicly acknowledge some family, friends, and coworkers who have continually supported me and helped me survive.
Mom and Dad: What troopers. From my giddy freshman excitement, to my mono year and kidney stone, to the impending senioritis, thank you for always being there to hear me rant, rave, complain, scream, cry, bitch, and cry some more at all hours of the day or night. Thank you for letting...no...encouraging me to be me. Thank you for listening to me nerd out like I do. Thank you for being interested in me, my school, my work, my coworkers, and my friends.
Stacie and Anita: I couldn't have asked for more amazing coworkers. I still feel so lucky and blessed that I had the opportunity to work with both of you. Not many people get the chance to do what we did. And at my young age, I am so thankful I was able to do it with you. Thank you for being great coworkers, mentors, and most of all, my friends. I love you both dearly!
Stacie, Me, and Anita: The UTemps Team
Katie: Thank you for putting up with my and Ryan's Canada jokes. Thank you for choosing me (you know what I'm talking about...haha). Thank you for helping to keep us in contact and organizing lunches and dinners. Thank you for always being there to talk to and for never judging me. You are one of the sweetest people I know and I absolutely love you!
Moi et Katie
Ryan: Thank you for making nerdiness so sexy. Thank you for your eye contact. Thank you for being an amazing study buddy. Thank you for all of the intellectual conversations about gender, sexuality, religion, and everything else both physics-y and non-physics-y. I miss you!
Jessica: You are absolutely the best lab partner anyone could ask for! Thank you for always being on the same crazy wavelength as me, even though it's not actually you're choice and in reality you're just as crazy as me. Thank you for taking Lisa's class with me - that was an amazing experience to share with you. Thank you for being so freaking funny. I love you!
Allie and Lindsey: Thank you for putting up with mono me. Thank you for the Denny's nights. Thank you for the laughing attacks. Thank you for Disneyland. Thank you for the cabin, which was exactly like Disneyland, only completely different. Thank you for being amazing friends! Oh, and Lindsey...EUROPE!
DISNEYLAND!!!
Diane: Thank you for taking a "risk" and hiring a physics major. Thank you for your infinite flexibility around my health and school. I would never have guessed I'd work in a theatre...but I have absolutely loved it!
Now that I got the sappy part out of the way, let's talk about what I've accomplished here and why I deserve this degree. (It's tough to tell if I'm doing this to help ward off senioritis and keep me motivated or if I'm just trying to impress all of you.) I'm a super nerd, so I've obviously kept track of every class I've taken over the past 5 years. And here they are with my (sometimes witty) comments!!!
Freshman Year `07 -`08
Allie, me, and Barbara "Poochigian-ing It Up"
Classical Civilizations 1550: Classical Mythology
Poochigian. Enough said.
Educational Psychology 2600: Strategies for College Success
Taking AP classes in high school made this class borderline useless...
Mathematics 2210: Calculus III
It's like calculus I and II, only in THREEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEE!
Writing 2010: Intermediate Writing
Katy Savage, how I love you. You and I clicked when it came to humor. Thank you for encouraging me to write!
Art 2060: Non-Major Digital Photography
I, mister science, got an A- in an art class. Hell yes! I'll take it. Digital Photography: Art for Scientists. I also must give this class credit for introducing me to Richard Avedon and his portrait of Marilyn Monroe. You may have heard I enjoy this photograph.
Mathematics 2270: Linear Algebra
Horrible class. Horrible teacher. Katie flirted for her grade. Admit it.
Physics 1980: Undergraduate Seminar II
They made me take it...
Physics 2215: Physics Lab I for Scientists and Engineers
Per...rwrwrwwrrw...iod. That means "period" in Asian.
Physics 3210: Physics for Scientists I
Ugh...I don't wanna talk about it.
Summer `08
Mathematics 2280: Introduction to Differential Equations
Gray is usually a bad choice...especially if you're overweight and it's the middle of summer in Utah...if you catch my drift.
Sophomore Year `08 -`09
Mathematics 3210: Foundations of Analysis I
Even though we only spent one day in the Naval Sciences building with no AC, I now know how Italian students feel when they're in class sweating like an Italian fountain and have an Italian man saying math at them.
Physics 1970: Undergraduate Seminar I
You guessed it, they made me take this too...
Physics 2225: Physics Lab II for Scientists and Engineers
Ming Dynasty. At least I think it was Ming...
Physics 3220: Physics for Scientists II
I don't wanna talk about this either.
Political Science 1100: United States National Government
My county is blue...
I felt that needed to be brought to attention.
The only reason this class was somewhat interesting is because I took it in Fall 2008: aka, election season.
Mathematics 3220: Foundations of Analysis II
Every review I had read about my professor, Dr. Taylor, (also the author of our "book") was horribly negative. I was terrified of him before I'd even met him. Turns out he was one of the most fair professors I had my entire college career.
Physics 3740: Introduction to Quantum Mechanics and Relativity
Quite possibly the biggest asshole of a professor I had my entire college career.
Physics 3760: Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics
I HATE thermodynamics. I also HATE statistical mechanics. At least the professor was nice even though he was sometimes difficult to understand.
Psychology 1010: General Psychology
This was quite the psych overview...thank goodness Kelly was in it with me.
Junior Year `09 -`10
ESS Fitness 1145: Elementary Bowling
It's amazing how flinging a ball down an oily lane thereby making pins fly and make loud noises is a spectacular stress reliever...even when you're not very good. Thanks for putting up with me, Alec.
Gender Studies 5770: Gender and Sexual Orientation
DYAC
Dr. Lisa Diamond changed my life. I could never thank you enough for all "ah-ha!" moments, self discovery, and self acceptance you inspired in me. YOU literally changed my life; I don't care how cliché I sound!
Mathematics 3150: Partial Differential Equations for Engineers
My professor was a godsend. At the time, I felt like I was dying from mono, so I made a deal with him that I would no longer be doing the homework, but prove to him I knew the material through exams. In short, I got the high on the final. Thank you, Prof. Allison.
Physics 1330: Physics of Audio and Video
Yes, 1330. I took this for the hell of it and I thoroughly enjoyed it, thank you.
Physics 3610: Electronics I
I now cringe when I see electronics schematics. I should mention, I ACED the final in this class.
See? Terrifying.
ESS Fitness 1145: Elementary Bowling
Yep, I took it twice. Wanna make somethin' of it?!
I eventually got my own ball!
Mathematics 3160: Applied Complex Variables
Oddly enough, I think this may have been my favorite math class. It was also my LAST math class... There may or may not be a correlation.
Two of my favorite mathematical cartoon characters
Physics 4910: Technical Communication and Scientific Judgement
This class was so good and so tough. I learned to get comfortable presenting to an audience, that group work is a bitch, and some people say "like" WAY too many times when they're publicly speaking.
Psychology 2800: Psychology of Love
Relationships are so damn complicated!!! Also, it's very strange to be taking this class when beginning a new, albeit poor and pretty damn hopeless, relationship.
Psychology 3000: Statistical Methods in Psychology
Part of me is still angry I had to take this class for a psychology MINOR composed of classes which didn't even require the class as a prerequisite. This would be the definition of a weed-out class. I recommend taking it online if you have some self motivation.
Senior Year I `10 -`11
Art History 3600: The History of Photography
I LOVED this class. I found even more photographs to love almost as much as Richard Avedon's Marilyn Monroe. I wrote about them a while back. I even posted a paper I wrote for this class - Today I Asked Why.
Nutrition 1020: Scientific Foundations of Nutrition and Health
This class left me thoroughly disappointed in our country.
Physics 3410: Modern Optics I & II
This class had one of the most time consuming labs ever...if you don't count the undergrad lab class.
Physics 5010: Theoretical Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics
I withdrew from this class. My life changed this semester...fucking kidney stone.
Physics 3730: Introduction to Computing in Physics
I never want to be a computer programmer.
Physics 5110: Introduction to Particle Physics
This professor takes the prize for the most difficult to understand. Probably not an award of which one should be proud.
Senior Year II `11 -`12
Physics 5010: Theoretical Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics
Yeah...this again. Good thing I saved most of the material from last time.
Physics 3719: Undergraduate Laboratory
Thank HEAVEN for Jessica. Oh, and thank you Whitney for explaining "the tone."
Sodium Doublet
H2D2
Physics 5020: Theoretical Electricity and Magnetism and Statistical Mechanics
This is bound to be pretty awful. (It was.)
Psychology 3440: Personality Theory
This is bound to be pretty amazing. (It was.)
So in the end, I deserve it, right? Right.
I'm almost an official physicist!!! Do you know what this means? YOU will know a physicist. Yep, you!
Thank you all!
Love,
Jason
Depression, Anxiety, Love...and Other Drugs
*tap*tap*tap*
I can't write.
Why?
Well, the title pretty much explains it all. It's also not vague in any way.
Okay, maybe it's a little vague considering I kind of copied a movie title a little tiny bit.
I have depression and anxiety. Both are likely inherited (thanks, parents). I have always been a rather anxious person. I figure a large portion of my anxiety was actually learned and conditioned considering I grew up "different" and Mormon. To say the least, that calls for a lot of nervous times.
Of course I have also been depressed at times...even suicidal. But this time it's different.
Miserable Emptiness
There's no foundation to the sadness. I feel an emptiness I believe could never be reconciled. A void that could absolutely never be filled. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to move. I don't want to talk. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to sleep. If I sleep, I have to eventually wake up and...and...do something. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to see my boyfriend. I don't want to see my family. It makes me sick.
I want to quit school. I want to quit my job...s. I want to quit. I don't necessarily want to die, but I want to hurt myself so I can prove to you all how sick I am. So I can prove to you how much I need to quit school...to quit my jobs...s.
I want to run away. Running away will fix everything. It will fix nothing.
I'm in love. It's weird to be in love for the first time and also be extremely depressed. And then to be taking an antidepressant that increases your anxiety five-fold. I'm in love. Why now? What bizarre timing.
I want to run away...with him. That will fix everything. It will fix nothing.
I can't write.
I'm afraid to write.
I'm afraid to tell you what is going on with me.
I'm again afraid of being judged and having even more stereotypes hurled at me.
I want to run away. I'll run until the pills, pills, and more pills kick in and fix everything. They'll fix nothing.
They won't fix me.
They won't fix my family.
They won't fix the business.
They won't fix my boyfriend.
They won't fix my relationship with him either.
I guess I have to participate too.
I want to run away. I want to hide until I have the energy to help the pills.
They're so demanding of me.
MONO Lessons (Part XVII: 343 - 365)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
343. Surprisingly, Lagoon is actually more fun picnic-style.
344. I miss her.
345. Even when I thought it couldn’t be done, they hurt me even more than they already had.
346. This must be what “I think I’m falling in love” feels like.
347. My past feels like someone else’s life.
348. Nutrition in this country is deplorable.
349. The Food Pyramid changed since I was in elementary school and nobody told me.
350. Another thing nobody ever told me: You’re supposed to poop at least once a day! This makes me unbelievably angry. Why did nobody ever tell me this?!
351. Life is better when you’re regular.
352. When you’ve got momentum, ride it. Ride it hard.
353. Photoshop CS2 is very…manual. It’s like driving a stick shift. I’ve never driven a stick shift, but I assume they are similar to Photoshop CS2…only completely different.
354. Wendover is like the cabin…only completely different.
355. Lagoon + Cabin + Swollen Glands + School Starting = Kidney Stone + 10(PAIN)
356. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between someone giving you a look of disgust and checking you out.
357. Low potassium increases one’s risk of kidney stones. Why the HELL did nobody mention this to me? I read this in my nutrition 1020 book. 1020. You know what 1020 means? Easy. What is wrong with our healthcare system?!?
358. Hard decisions are hard.
359. When the momentum is against you, sometimes you can’t keep fighting it any more.
360. I wear my emotions on my sleeve…and my face.
361. I wouldn't do it again, but I would NEVER take it back.
362. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s overwhelming and a bit frightening.
363. A 'W' is better than not passing due to exhaustion.
364. Every time I read my nutrition book, I become more furious towards society and healthcare.
365. I’m not the only gurgler.
MONO Lessons (Part XVI: 321 - 342)
Meditatively Obtained, Novel, and Observational (MONO) Lessons
321. I like him. I like him a lot.
322. I haven’t had the opportunity to be just friends with someone before dating them. The transition is so pleasant and non-nerve-racking. Natural, if you will.
323. I suddenly like the song “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette…hmmm…
324. It’s even weirder to have completed Psychology of Love a couple of months ago and now beginning an actual new relationship. Talk about textbook…
325. I CAN MAKE GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, & EGG-FREE OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES!!! Epic day. 07/11/10.
326. That woman lives her life through her pain-body. How sad.
327. Minds can change extremely fast.
328. I have identified five collective pain-bodies in which I have a stake:
a. The American Gay (LGBTQ+) Pain-Body
b. The Mormon (LDS) Pain-Body
c. The Gay Mormon Pain-Body
d. The Food Allergy Pain-Body
e. The Gluten-Intolerant/Celiac Pain-Body
329. I find hidden Mickey’s in my everyday life.
330. I’m capable of sending and receiving an “It’s me” voicemail.
331. The past can truly be haunting.
332. “D-BOX” isn’t dirty, it’s just a vibratey seat!
333. When I like a movie enough, I can see it 5 times in 15 days. Inception rocks.
334. Monday, August 30, 2010: Kidney stone. Worst. Pain. EVER.
335. Guess what? Potassium, still only inching it’s way up. I have far more blood tests than I would prefer.
336. If they changed their mind and “accepted” me, I don’t think I would go back. The damage is done.
337. Clubbing is much more tolerable with a significant other.
338. Blogging is like therapy.
339. Protests and rallies are like therapy.
340. Wendover is so sleazy it’s spectacular.
341. Gambling is kinda stupid…
342. Saying “my boyfriend” makes me all giddy. *sigh*