Indigo Eiffel Tower

I am the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.

Paris is the heart of Europe when I'm talking about Europe. I've had the pleasure of visiting that city twice. I only learned years later that when I visited the first time, I left part of my heart there. My first trip to Europe was the first time I began to accept my sexual orientation as part of myself. I realized that, when I returned home, I needed to end things with my girlfriend because things could not continue the way they were going. I knew I was gay and I had to face that fact.

I grew up Mormon and was still actively Mormon at the time. I soon resolved to come out as gay, but remain single and celibate and active in the LDS faith. In short, that didn't work out for me very well and I have since left the church. But know, leaving the church doesn't immediately heal the wounds it inflicted. It also doesn't destroy the aspects that I decided were pure and wanted to incorporate into my soul.

The Prop 8 battle was tough. You can read an older blog from me about that if you want to see more of my reaction. The post is titled BLAST FROM THE PAST: PROP 8, MORMONS, FOUNDERS, VOTING, AGENCY, REVELATION, AND SOME BETRAYAL...SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD READ! You might also be interested in IGNORANT REMARKS, INSENSITIVE TIMING - THEIR INJURIOUS CONSEQUENCES AND THE IMPENDING PARADIGM SHIFT. For now, let's just call that a major blow. The thing that almost did me in was the "leaked" policy in November 2015. You can read more about that HERE from the The Salt Lake Tribune. To summarize, gay people are to be considered apostates, children of gay parents are not allowed to join the church until they become adults, and upon joining, they must renounce their parents' relationship.

It's not like I was surprised by what the statement and what was said, but I was taken aback that they actually said it. I spent most of my time avoiding talking about the topic with anyone, including my own family.

About a week later, Paris experienced a terrorist attack. It was Friday, November 13, 2015 - I will never forget. I happened to take the day off of work and spent the entire day watching the news and crying.

My left arm also began to hurt that day. I blamed it, at the time, on a medical procedure I had done that included an IV. The thing is, the pain in my forearm continued to get worse and worse each day. I spoke to two naturopathic doctors and saw my massage therapist / energy worker one day and it all finally clicked: Paris was where I first began to accept myself and that magnitude of a revelation left an impression on my heart and my heart left an impression on Paris. Years later, to have the church attack my being once again and re-open those wounds and then have a physical attack on the city that holds my heart was too much for my soul to bear. My arm swelled up to protect me from the influx of painful energy I was absorbing from my gay community, my ex-Mormon community, and Paris.

Within two days of discovering this connection, the swelling and pain had decreased by 80%. I knew I could no longer ignore intense and uncomfortable feelings because my body would rebel if I didn't take in the energy and process it. Of course, some of this is now known with hindsight. Since then, I've discovered I'm empathic and it makes even more sense why these simultaneously unfolding events had such a profound effect on my physical, spiritual, mental, and energetic bodies. My left arm is my primary "receiving" arm - I receive information and energy through that arm. I believe my arm was trying to protect my Heart Chakra from impacting with that energy because it truly believed it would break my heart. Once my arm let it go, it did break my heart, but it had to be broken. It had to break again so I could process this heartache from the new perspective I now had on how the LDS church had impacted me then and how I was going to let it impact me from now on. The symbolism of the whole experience is still striking to me - literally witnessing an attack on Paris was like watching my heart be shattered again by this organization I used to find purpose within.

The Eiffel Tower stands out tall and modern from its city of old, classic, and conservative architecture.

The Eiffel Tower breaks tradition and the way things were.

The Eiffel Tower was widely regarded as an eyesore for decades after being completed.

The Eiffel Tower is now a landmark, a monument.

The Eiffel Tower doesn't advertise. You know where it is. And even if you don't know the exact location in Paris, once you're there, you'll find it by sheer will or by looking at the skyline. And if you miss it in daylight, it will shimmer as a beacon at night.

I believe I stand out tall and modern from the culture in which I was raised. I believe I shine a light on "the way things were" and ask you to re-think. I believe I'm getting better and better each day at being my authentic self and not caring what people think of me. I believe I stand out. And I believe I can be found by anyone at any time when you need me. My name is Jason. In Greek, my name means healer. I am a healer. I am an empath. When I can help heal you (or you, me), you will find me.

I got a tattoo on my left forearm to remind me of this experience and to remind me to let myself feel everything with my heart, no matter how painful I might think it is. It is better to feel it and process it than let it build up and coagulate into a painful, swollen mess.

My tattoo is four main things: 1. Tribal in style - I've always liked the look of tribal tattoos. 2. The shape of a Pisces symbol. I'm 100% Pisces and I love it. 3. Vaguely, a capital H for my last name. I just so happens that the Pisces symbol also looks like an H. 4. The Eiffel Tower.

One last thing. In the title I mention the color Indigo. This color has become my personal protector. The story is deeply private, so I'm going to keep most of it to myself. But, what I will say is that Indigo regulates the energy that enters me. It protects me. And the image of the Eiffel Tower in an Indigo light stays in my mind and represents me in my self-narraritive.

I am the Eiffel Tower.

by Peter Talke Photography
Source HERE

Blast from the past: Prop 8, Mormons, Founders, Voting, Agency, Revelation, and some Betrayal...sounds like a good read!

This is a Jason Hoggan Facebook Note original. Post date May 27, 2009 at 1:52AM, so I am re-posting it exactly a year later. Anyway, the title is "Prop 8, Mormons, Founders, Voting, Agency, Revelation, and some Betrayal...sounds like a good read!"  Enjoy.

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This is a rather unique Note. As many of you that are reading this already know, last election season I officially got my feathers ruffled by a few too many people, and one specific religious organization, to keep quiet any longer. I loudly voiced my opinion on gay marriage, told a rather brief yet detailed version of my “story,” and also unintentionally outed myself to many many people through all of this. This Note is a more detailed and thoughtful description of why I became so upset at the LDS Church and their involvement with Proposition 8 in California during election season 2008.

I was taught from a very young age that my Church would never tell its members how to vote. Every year around election season, the bishop would read (and still does) a letter from the First Presidency that states the LDS Church never endorses a political candidate or a political party. They would never tell us how to vote; just encourage us to do so.

It’s election time 2008. Proposition 8 is brewing in California and across the country. What happens first is, the Church does a special television broadcast that airs most notably in California. In this broadcast, Church members are asked to donate their time and “contribute in whatever way they can to the effort to pass Proposition 8, including by phoning.” Members were also encouraged to spread the word via text messaging, e-mail, and blogging. The Church’s statement ends with, “As a church, we do not get involved in supporting candidates or political parties, but when there are moral issues, the First Presidency has always felt that it was important for our members to stand up and support those that are significant to the gospel of Jesus Christ and the restored Church. And so we, without concern, go to the membership of the Church, after the call of the First Presidency, to ask you to give your best to this most significant effort to support, in every way possible, the sacred institution of marriage as we know it to be” (1).

Now that we have established some context, let me get through one more touchy topic before I give my opinion on the above statement. It appears that many Mormons heeded to the call from the First Presidency and “contribut[ed] in whatever way they [could] to the effort to pass Proposition 8.” However, many chose to contribute their money along with their time. Now, the LDS Church has stated that no tithing money went to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign. They also outline their direct contributions totaling just under $190,000 (2). Honestly, this is pocket change to the Church and is really not a big deal…even if tithing money was used. (But just in case it was, I donated $25 to the No on Prop 8 campaign to offset any of my money that went to Yes.)

What is much more significant is the amount of money that Church members donated to the Yes campaign. The New York Times and Mormons for 8 (rather boastfully) report that, of the $40 million raised by Yes on Prop 8, 40-50% of those donations were from Mormon Church members (3). This is $16-$20 million we are talking here. To establish more context, around 770,000 LDS Church members live in California. This is approximately 2% of the state’s population (4). So, if the Proposition 8 battle stayed in California, this means that every single Church member in California would have had to donate $26 to reach the grand total of $20 million. Obviously, the money poured in form Mormons from all across the country, including a rather generous $1 million contribution from the (Utah resident) grandson of former Church President David O. McKay (5).

Finally, as I have mentioned in previous Notes, the Church also set up this website in support of “traditional marriage” and to promote Proposition 8:  http://www.preservingmarriage.org/. I have never seen anything from the LDS Church so blatantly advocating a political position. Scroll down to the bottom of the homepage. There you will read “An Official Web site of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints” followed by the copyright and the Church’s logo.

The part of the Church’s statement that bothers me the most is the assertion that they do not support political parties or candidates, but, “when there are moral issues” involved, the Church feels it is important to take action. As I see it, they are 1. supporting a political stance and 2. confusing moral issues with civil issues. This is why I got mad:

I have a testimony of the founding of our great nation. I have always believed that our Founding Fathers were inspired with the seemingly radical ideas they had. They were inspired when debating, negotiating, and writing our Constitution. This document is the basis of our country’s government and has become an icon for civil rights. I do understand that when the Constitution was first written, rights were really only given to white, male, land-owning Protestants. Times were obviously different. But as time has gone by, women, black and all other races and ethnicities, as well as non-land-owners and those of all religious faiths have been given full rights. But let me get back to my point here. The Constitution is arguably a civil rights document that is based on the reasons that people even came to America in the first place. One of those main reasons is to flee religious persecution.

I believe that the United States came about so that the Gospel could be restored. There is no other place in the world where it could have happened. It needed to be in a place with a “fresh start,” new ideas, and new government. We have been taught that this land was set aside so this could occur. The religious freedoms that were set in place by our nation’s government and Constitution were the first great stepping stone in this plan.

Growing up in the LDS Church and always having a peculiar interest in the founding of the United States, I grew to appreciate what an immense blessing it is to live in this nation. The freedoms we have are unmatched anywhere else in the world and we are unbelievably lucky to be here. One specific right I learned to cherish is the individual right to vote. Even at a young age I began to grasp the importance and responsibility of casting a vote. Those of you that know me well have seen how overly disgusted I get when I hear someone won’t or didn’t vote. I was just taught that I am extremely privileged to have a say in our government and I should utilize that right and not take it for granted. The right to vote is a form of legally granted agency. We can choose to vote for whatever or whomever we want.

Agency is one of the most talked about topics/doctrines in the LDS Church. We are taught that we have always had agency and very notably used it when we chose to follow God’s plan and come here to earth and receive a body. Agency leads us to our most immense trials, our greatest happiness, our deepest sadness, and our individual uniqueness. We use our agency every minute of our lives. The greatest thing about agency is it is OURS. No one has the right, let alone the ability, to take away our agency. We are forever accountable for our own choices. At times this seems awful accept so many consequences, and others it feels glorious to reap the many rewards.

Agency is where I feel the Church crossed the line. Yes, the Church did not support a political party (though that is questionable with this issue) or a political candidate. But I felt betrayed on far too many levels. When I was young, I remember listening to the bishop read that letter in sacrament meeting and interpreting that the Church would never ever ever tell their members how to vote on anything. How naïve that was of me to think (and of my family to teach me). The Church also teaches that, along with agency, comes personal revelation. It is shocking that the Church would insist that members vote for Proposition 8 rather than encouraging them to kneel down before the Lord and pray about it and all the other political issues we are facing. This way each member would have been encouraged have their own conversation with the Lord on the topic and develop their own opinion and stance on the issue. Instead of encouraging doctrine, the Church encouraged members to blindly follow the will of the First Presidency.

I find it absolutely revolting that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would infringe on their member’s agency by advocating that they vote Yes on Proposition 8. The Church teaches of the blessings of this country, the miracle of the gospel being restored on this chosen land, and the rapture to be found in the freedoms we enjoy here. It is utterly hypocritical for the Church to encourage its members to donate time and money to, and suggest they vote for, a cause that limits the basic civil rights of their own neighbors, friends, and family members. What on earth could be more anti-Christian? Without this country and its freedoms, there is no way the Church would have ever survived. I had already felt quite betrayed by my Church and its stance on homosexuality, but their involvement with Proposition 8 was the last straw for me.

I have three short responses to the Church’s statement. First, I took your advice and spread the word through texting and blogging…only I think I said exactly opposite of what you were suggesting. Next, the idea that gay marriage (and homosexuality in general) is a moral issue is incomprehensible. It is undoubtedly a civil rights issue. Finally, I will never again trust the LDS Church’s politically neutral stance. This stance is fraudulent. In the same sentence, they say they would never tell their members how to vote while then clearly stating, “without concern,” to vote Yes on Proposition 8.

I hope this gives a clearer understanding of why I did what I did and said what I said last election season. Obviously, I focused on less personal frustrations I have with the Church in this Note. Just the fact that I am a gay member of the LDS Church leads to enough frustration and heartache, but to then have this organization blatantly advocate against what I know to be right was just a twist of the knife already in my back.

As always, comments are welcome; they are also screened. Below you will see the sources I used. And yeah, I think that’s it. Thanks for reading, for your interest, and even your support.

~~Jason

1. http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/news-releases-stories/church-readies-members-on-proposition-8
2. http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/media-reports-on-proposition-8-filing-uninformed
3. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/15/us/politics/15marriage.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3&hp, http://mormonsfor8.com/?p=154
4. http://mormonsfor8.com/, among many others; Google it
5. http://societyandreligion.com/secret-million-dollar-mormon-donor-to-prop-8-revealed/811/