Heart(break)

It's amazing to me how much of a beating the heart can take. How much it will claw and grasp and squeeze to stop from falling off the edge and tumbling down to shatter into a million pieces. Only to then start putting itself back together, one piece at a time. Most of them in the right place.

My heart has broken a lot over the past couple of years. Yet somehow, it doesn't harden. After it repairs, it lets someone else back in. It takes a risk and lays it all on the line again, only to be denied, slapped out of my outstretched hand, and tumbles to the floor to shatter again.

Being an empath is incredibly painful. I feel other people's pain, yes, but good god, I feel my own pain like a scalding branding iron on my soul. It leaves a scar to remind me each and every time. I'm only 28. I've lost track of the scars...I don't even know how many there are any more, but they remind me of their existence when I need to be reminded.

So. I am single again. I am so tired of mingling. In pain and heartbreak like this, I always think of the lyric "I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this." You know why? Because there isn't another one like this. There isn't another person just like that heartbreaker. Each soul is different. There will never be another one like this. That loss deserves ample grief.

Spare me the "he doesn't know what he's missing", "there's plenty of fish...", "he'll regret giving you up", "you're a catch, you'll find someone soon." I don't give a fuck. He DOES know what he's missing. We both know how big the ocean is AND how unique each other is. He probably will have some regret, but that sure as hell doesn't make me feel better. I have my own regrets, too. I'll find someone soon...sure. Sure I will. But I want him.

I have something I need to admit to the world. I MAY or MAY NOT be polyamorous. I don't fucking know. With some people I feel more monogamous than with other people. I'm figuring that out on a case-by-case basis now. This flip-flop was hurtful to someone I love and I need him to know how incredibly sorry I am for causing that pain. Please, please forgive me. I am so sorry.

I've learned a new word: demisexual. I don't really like the word, but I've read some insightful interpretations that resonate with me. I'm not "half" sexual like the word would make you believe. But I am taking this word upon myself to mean this: Initial physical attraction is good, very good, and very helpful. In fact, I need a fairly high amount of initial physical attraction. But. But - I cannot have sexual contact with that person until I get to know their soul and their energy better. It makes me a gatekeeper. Whatever, fine. It also makes me easier to take advantage of than I ever knew before. But now that I am owning this, I won't be so easily taken.

Grief. It doesn't have stages. It doesn't have beginnings. It doesn't have endings. Grief comes in moments of so many different forms: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, depression, acceptance, unacceptable, hard-headedness, compassion, pride...the list goes on. But they are never in an order, and any can show at any time. Feel it. Cry. Wail. Scream.

A soulmate is someone with whom you made a pact before coming to earth. You and this soulmate agreed to teach each other something big. Actually, "big" doesn't cut it. You agreed to teach each other something monumental. These soulmate relationships quite often end in heartbreak. I met a soulmate in February. My heart broke in August. It was fast. It was wonderful. The heartbreak is painful.

My heart is in a million-minus-one pieces this time. This repair will be slow. This repair will be messy. I'll accidentally drop my heart 1,000 Times and have to re-repair sections over and over again. But you know what? It's still soft and open. I am the only one who has the power to harden my heart and I refuse to choose a perpetual hardened state. It'll harden for a few weeks...a few months...while the super glue cures. But I'll be back. Somehow. Somehow....somehow...

Medium & Television's Biggest Insult

How could you be more insulting, CBS?  Cancelling Medium, the best drama on television, in the middle of the season?!?  Insulting and absurd.

Here's the story.  First, all you need to know is I LOVE Medium and believe it is the best drama on television.  Medium ran for 5 seasons on NBC (2005-2009) and did quite well.  Interestingly enough, Medium is actually a CBS show that NBC "purchased" the rights to air for those 5 years.  While on NBC, the show had a couple of schedule changes, but usually aired on Monday nights at 9pm here in the Mountain Time (MT) Zone, 10pm most other places.  My point, it was NBC's headline show on Mondays.  Patricia Arquette and crew grew a moderately sized, but very steady fan base that followed them throughout those first 5 years.

During Medium's fifth season, we learned NBC was not going to renew their "subscription" with CBS to continue airing the show.  This was disappointing, but not shocking.  Immediately after this report, rumors began that CBS would pick it up for the next season.  Good thing, too, because season 5 ended with a HUGE cliff hanger.  Luckily, season 6 began in fall 2009 on CBS airing Friday nights at 8pm MT (9pm elsewhere).

It is well known that Friday night is not the best night for primetime television (see Friday night death slot) because a lot of people go out...myself included.  Thank goodness for online tv!  (If only CBS would get with it and join with Hulu...)  That said, Medium was the "hook" show for CBS's hit Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt airing the following hour.  This was quite the Friday night supernatural crime-fighting duo.  Unfortunately, due to Medium's network, day, and time switches, ratings slipped...but not horribly.

Let me just say, season 6 was amazing.  It included what I now say is my favorite episode of Medium.  The key: amazing writing.

Then the drama began as CBS's 09-10 season came to a close and show renewals and cancellations were announced.   

On the chopping block:  The New Adventures of Old Christine, Gary Unmarried, Cold Case, Accidentally on Purpose, Miami Medical, Rules of Engagement, Numb3rs, (dun dun dun) Ghost Whisperer, and (dun dun dun....DUNNNN) Medium.

Who survived?  Rules of Engagement and Medium.

I can't even tell you how relieved I was to hear we'd get at least one more season out of Medium.  Phew!  The part that bothered me, though, was the cancellation of Ghost Whisperer.  Don't misinterpret what I'm saying...I am not / was never a fan of that show.  But I knew it gave life to Medium...

The next change Medium experienced was in the Friday night lineup.  It's previous time at 8pm MT (9pm elsewhere) was bad enough, but CBS moved Medium to 7pm MT (8pm elsewhere)!  Quite possibly the worst timeslot available for a television show.  This change in conjunction with CBS's other cancellations made me realize this 7th season would most likely be Medium's last, so enjoy it.

November 18, 2010:  CBS Cancels Medium.  It's last episode will air on January 21, 2011.

WTF?

Yes, I had a very good feeling this would be Medium's last season...but I would have never predicted CBS would pull the rug out from under the show mid-season.  I can't think of anything more insulting to a television show crew.

I can't sleep either, Allison.

CBS, you blew it.  This is your own fault.  It makes me wonder why you "saved" the show in the first place.  It is absurd that the mother network of Medium would place it in most abysmal timeslots and expect ratings to be as high as the NBC glory days.  Way to run the show out of town.  I hope you're happy with yourselves.  You were very successful in cancelling the best show on television.

Now you've given me one more reason to watch CBS even less than I already do.  You will only get my attention on Sunday nights (oddly at 7pm) to watch The Amazing Race.  You'll probably cancel that soon too since it's a 7-time Emmy Award winner for best reality TV show.

The Amazing Race ends December 12, Medium leaves January 21...  CBS, please consider me a lost viewer once Medium officially ends.